THE OFFICIAL AIRLINE GLOSSARY

CARRY-ON-BAGGAGE:

An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says, the following items are not accepted as carry-on luggage: steamer trunks,, refrigerators, motorcycles, TVs or ceiling fans.

FLIGHT SCHEDULES:

An entertaining work of paperback fiction.

PASSENGER:

A herding creature of widely varying intelligence, usually found in pairs or small groups. Sometimes known to become vicious and violent in easily-rectified situations. When frightened or confused creatures collect into a group called a line. This line has no set pattern, and is often formed in inconvenient places.

PRE-BOARD:

A passenger who appears at the gate two minutes before scheduled depature.

NO REC:

A passenger booked by a travel agency.

A.T.C.:

A game played by pilots and air traffic controllers. Neither knows how the game is played, but it is always played to prevent flights from being on time.

SIGN:

An airport decoration which usually goes unnoticed, except by small children.

THIS POSITION CLOSED, CLOSED or NEXT POSITION PLEASE:

A sign at the counter which when interpreted by the passenger reads "FORM LINE HERE" OR "WE ARE OPEN NOW".

ON TIME:

Obscure term; meaning unknown.

BAGGAGE CLAIM:

Most difficult area in the entire airport to locate. It is usually hidden behind dozens of signs saying "BAGGAGE CLAIM AREA".

FOG:

A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport, while surrounding areas are clear. Fog is owned and controlled by airlines, and is used to delay or cancel flights.

AGENT:

A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of a pack of pedigreed Australian sheepdogs, the understanding of a psychoanalyst, the extra sensory abilities of Uri Geller, the tact of Henry Kissinger, mystical abilities to control wind, rain, snow and fog, and the ability to answer six questions at the same time, out of one mouth, without stuttering, while talking on the phone. In later life usually seen in bars or carrying out mysterious conversations with themselves in parks and restrooms.