"Good afternoon Houston Center, King Air 12345 checkin' in with ya'll, VFR at eighteen-five."

(long pause)

"Ah, King Air 12345, sir, you can't be VFR at eighteen-five."

(shorter pause)

"Sure we can, Center. We're flyin' a Super King Air!"

SHORT FINAL...

Approach: Beech 998, you're showing two thousand feet and intermittent Mode C. Say altitude.

Beech 998: Beech 998 is intermittently at two thousand feet.

SHORT FINAL...

Overhead in London TMA...

ATC: N12345, descend to 3,000' on QNH 1019.

N12345: Could you give that to me in inches?

ATC: N12345, descend to 36,000 inches on QNH 1019

SHORT FINAL...

Overworked air traffic controller responding to the disoriented student pilot of a single-engine Cessna calling on 121.5 MHz on a busy Saturday:

"Lost aircraft, say position."

SHORT FINAL...

Pilot: Request a flightlevel between FL210 and FL250

ATC: Roger, you can have either 230 or 250...which would you like?

Pilot: Affirmative.

ATC: Affirmative what?

Pilot: Affirmative...SIR?

A pilot dies and goes to hell. As he is waiting for the devil, he notices three doors. The devil is nowhere in sight so he walks over to door number one and peeks inside. There he sees a lone pilot, sweating over emergency after emergency, non stop bells and horns. Quickly closing that door, he creeps to door number two. There he sees a pilot going over checklist after checklist after checklist. Slamming closed that door, he steps over to the 3rd and last door. Inside is a pilot, along with three flight attendants who are pouring coffee, serving dinners and cold compresses to the pilot. Smiling he slowly closes the door and goes over and sits down. The devil finally arrives and tells him to choose a door.

He laughs and chooses door # 3.

"Sorry" says the devil. "Door # 3 is flight attendant hell".

What is the ideal cockpit crew? .......

A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?

He'll tell you.

What do pilots use for birth control?

Their personality.

What is the difference between a pilot and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining soon after landing.

What is the difference between a pilot and a pig?