d-UH? (The dis-Order of Urban Hermits?)

Founded          by Greybeard the Pensive :), KSC, d-UH?, MM

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DISCORDIANISM

WARNING

Who        is the Goddess L'Fck? ... and how do I get Her phone number?

When She was                born, the Goddess L'Fck sprang from Her father's head fully grown                and dressed in armor. This took place in an eastern town named after                a cheese and located across the River Styx from the land known as                Joy Z. (It has never been explained what joys A through Y are.)

During Her                formative years She adopted a strict religious fervor and tortured                the sinful by practicing the violin and, to fill in her spare time,                beating up the male gender of her peer group.

Jack Benny,                another well-known violin virtuoso of Her day, inspired Her to pursue                a career in the field of entertainment. She decided to try Her skills                at diplomacy.

At Sweet Sixteen                Minutes

This led to              a rigorous series of training exercises: method acting to attain the              ability to laugh at stupid jokes told in a language you don't understand;              gymnastics to learn how to curtsey while balancing a filled champagne              glass and a tiny plate stacked to the ceiling with hors d'ouevres;              countless brutal memory tests to imprint on one's instincts which              silverware to use when at a State Dinner; yoga breathing to keep strapless              evening gowns up; facial muscle workouts to keep an everpresent smile              upon one's face no matter how far a tedious and innane an evening              drags into the morning hours.

She had to                forgo this pursuit, however, when She accidently flipped a prawn                into the ample cleavage of a visiting dignitary, causing a minor                skirmish overseas. From diplomacy, She attempted a career upon the                stage. It was unsuccessful though She ate well.

Crushed, but                resolute, She fled to Los Angeles where She flourished in film as                understudy to Katherine Hepburn, most notably in the foreground                of large crowd scenes.

Tired of having                her back scarred by casting-couch buttons and being typecast as                toe-jam for reptiles with thyroid conditions, She tried Her hand                at lounge singing. Her hand came in handy for slapping the hands                of handsome men who were too handy. When She realized that She was                doing more slapping than singing — and someone was already                using the stage name Slappy White — She decided it was time                to abandon the footlights forever.

Those Salad                Days in the Theater

The Goddess                L'Fck gave up Her career in entertainment and Hollywood lost its                brightest star. If you've tried to carry on a simple conversation                with 99.9% of people in The Biz you know what I mean. (And the sad                thing is that everyone in The Biz who reads this thinks they're                in the 0.1%.)

Being accustomed                to working amongst the vermin of society, She got a job working                for attorneys. This was Her final career move. The work suited Her                perfectly and She has formed a symbiotic relationship with every                lawyer to whom She has been employed. In exchange for abusing Her,                overworking Her, underpaying Her, and letting Her do half of their                work for them because, unlike them, She is capable of forming complete                intelligible sentences, She, in return, keeps the lawyers humble                by deflating their egos whenever possible. By doing all of this                She also garnishes extra credits in the Sainthood in Your Lifetime                home study program.

The Goddess                L'Fck met Greybeard the Pensive :), KSC, d-UH?, MM, in 1979 and                it was lust at first sight. She liked his Rooseveltian policy of                walking softly and carrying a big stick; he was fascinated by Her                considerable musical talents. Their second date turned into a five-year                motel bill and the inability to stomach Chinese take-out or pizza                ever again for the rest of their lives.

They decided                that it would be best if they not see each other for a while to                verify that what they felt for each other was true love and not                infatuation. As a test, they went to work the following day and                then proceeded to disappear together into Griffifth Park for six                months. This proved their devotion and that they were able to spend                time apart though their time spent together was far more interesting.

They determined                that this was an auspicious beginning to their relationship. Greybeard                invited the Goddess to move into his cave and She accepted.

A Talented Musician

Since they didn't          kill each other over the first nine month period, Greybeard was even more          impressed with the Goddess. He then proceeded to tell Her a series of          over-exaggerations and outright lies to persuade Her to marry him. Since          then, he has told Her only the Truth and to reciprocate, She has thrown          out Her push-up bras (which placed Her nipples somewhere on Her shoulders          anyway).

As a married                couple, the two Discordians have learned that humor and, contrary                to popular belief, not having children are the two salvations of                the institution of Holy Matrimony. They have also found that constant                flirting and as much sex as you can possibly squeeze between conflicting                schedules goes a long way towards lubricating the abrasions that                normally arise in a close relationship. An open mind, a trunk full                of theatrical costumes and a willingness to satisfy one's partner's                sexual aberrations help a lot too.

A Naughty Greybeard                — Bad, Bad, Bad Boy

For the two hermits,          it has been a good marriage blessed by the Goddess Eris. Their cat, nicknamed          the Hurler and a direct descendant of the royal families of Egypt and          Siam, keeps them in constant touch with Lady Eris. Their apartment itself,          Assquarters to d-UH, is a shrine to Mother Chaos, filled to bursting as          it is with complete collections of old catalogs for things they can't          afford, cooking utensils, shoes that don't fit, clothes that don't fit,          clothes that fit to wear in case someone knocks at the door, CDs, books          that should be read, magazines that should be read, pre-approved applications          for credit cards, art supplies, toys, computer manuals, twenty years of          anniversary cards for every occasion and pressed flowers.

"Who needs a          Goddess of Chaos when you have both a woman and a cat in the house?"          Greybeard queries as he storms through their happy home, putting new dents          in the walls with his forehead.

The Goddess L'Fck          just smiles.

Oh! Her phone number!          It's 1-213-554-5859.

Photos on this page:          ©Corbis.

This page was created          on the 3rd of Bureaucracy, 3167. It was last revamped — 6th of Discord,          3168.          (Infidel translation: This page was created August 10, 2001. It was last          revamped — March 20, 2002.)