"Cooking the Books"
76 to 1 the best page on this site: Commentary by John Larkin about his books
(title not-courtesy of Black Books :)
Spaghetti Legs: The first instalment of what was (along with Pizza Features and Lasagne Brain) to become my Italian cuisine trilogy. I wrote Spaghetti Legs – a semi-autobiographical novel about growing up in Toongabbie – while I was still at university (doing degree in English literature at Macquarie University). On top of my studies I also had both a full-time job (computer programmer) and a part-time one (stacking supermarket shelves); so how I managed to find time to write is beyond me. Spaghetti Legs came out of a bunch of short stories that I was writing at the time. I sent the manuscript to Mark Macleod who, apart from being a publisher at Random House was also a brilliant and inspiring lecturer in children’s literature (at Macquarie University). Although he didn’t publish them (my collection) he did write back saying he loved my style and asked me to write him a novel. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing when I sat down to write the novel, but I suppose I’d read hundreds upon hundreds of them down the years (as well as for my degree) and something had obviously sunk in. With Mark’s wonderful editing and guidance I managed to finish the novel in about six months. I can’t describe the feeling of getting that first book contract in the post other than to suggest that if I win the Booker prize (at some point in the future) it would probably only equal it.
Ghost Byte: The second novel is always the hardest, or so the saying goes. I actually wrote Ghost Byte as a university assignment. My lecturer in creative writing, Roberta Sykes, had us write out contracts detailing what we would achieve during the course. I realised that I was taking a lot on (by contracting to write a novel – if I didn’t finish it I would automatically fail the course) but I’ve always been one to set my goals really high. My wife Jacqui makes a cameo appearance in Ghost Byte as the protagonist’s girlfriend (Helen Wong). Perseverance pays off: I finished the novel (with plenty of time to spare), got an A, sent it off to Random House who promptly gave me my second contract. I was extremely fortunate to study at Macquarie University when I did because I got to meet three of the most important people in my career: Mark Macleod who became my mentor, editor, publisher and friend, Roberta Sykes who’d been through a lot, achieved a lot (a doctorate from Harvard no less) but gave so much of herself to her students and expected the highest standards in return, and, briefly, Robert Carter who gave me two of the most important pieces of advice that I’ve ever received: 1) ‘… the ones who stick with it (writing), are the ones who will make it. All of you (students), barring possibly one, will give up.’ 2) ‘Get into movies’.
Growing Payne: My first two novels were very character-based so I wanted my third to focus very much on plot but without losing any depth of character. The seeds of Growing Payne were planted in my mind when I was about fifteen after I witnessed my younger brother Paul and his two friends (Phil Beckett and Alan Luck) crash their high speed tricycle into a car. In the novel they (Phil Payne and Larry Larwood – my brother’s nickname is Larry) turn their tricycle into a peddle-powered plane and fly it up into the stratosphere. Unfortunately they (well Larry – he’s the brains behind the operation after all) have neglected to install a rudder so when they attempt to turn the thing all hell breaks loose and the end up crashing with drastic consequences for Phil. When he eventually awakes from his coma (ten years later) the world is a stinking pigsty and the FBI, CIA, MI5 and P&C and so on are after Larry. On top of all that Kim (Phil’s girlfriend) has disastrously married another man (you won’t believe who) and Max (Phil’s golf-obsessed annoying younger brother) is one of the best golfers in the world. If only Phil can get hold of a time-machine and a bottle of Australis perfume (to give to Kim as a belated Christmas present) then everything will probably work out okay. Luckily for Phil he’s got Larry on his side if only he can track him down.
Bite Me!: A collection of eight short stories that was culled to seven at the last minute by my nervous publisher, which was a bit annoying (to say the least) because the seventh story doesn’t really make sense without the missing eighth – or rather, the seventh runs into the eighth to essentially make one large story. The reason that my publisher deleted the eighth story (Geraldine Handelself and the Bouffanted Supremacists Go Body Boarding) was because they felt that the main character (a right wing, vacuous, wannabe politician, whom I more than suggest is the devil’s daughter) was too close to she-who-must-not-be-named. So, having already being sued over the Abott and Costello affair, they chickened out and yanked the story. On the bright side, two of the stories, Crocodile Dreaming and The Message From God, are two of my favourite stories. If you would like a copy of the eighth story (and yes, I still have it – I just checked) then drop me an email johnblarkin@yahoo.com.au and it’s yours free of charge.
Pizza Features: The sort-of-eagerly-awaited sequel to Spaghetti Legs and one of the most enjoyable books that I’ve ever written. The stuff about the shed, the vestibule, and the Battle of Hastings jumper still cracks me up – and I wrote it. Alternatively I had people in tears at a conference when I read out the piece about Eric’s grandmother dying. I loved this book so much that when it wasn’t short-listed (for the CBC awards – comedy rarely is, it’s not ‘worthy’ enough; oh please!) I died a thousand deaths. I honestly believe that if Pizza Features wasn’t short-listed then nothing I do ever will be. Okay, whinging over.
