"In & Out"
a Gundam Wing Fanfic

by the Princess

**Warning--strong language, shounen-ai, characters frequently OOC**

~Prologue~

>passive<

6:13 p.m.

As soon as possible, Lucrezia Noin retreated from the press conference and locked herself in her dressing room, trying pointedly to ignore the wild throng of news reporters banging on the door. She thought about why the reporters were there, and what had just happened, and the looks that had been on everybody's faces, and she irresistably collapsed on the couch in a rictus of laughter. She laughed wildly, until she started to hiccup and there were tears in her eyes, in no condition to notice that Zechs had snuck into the room through a window in the opposite wall.

Zechs stood there and looked at her, shaking his head slowly and scowling. He was furious; his hands were shaking uncontrollably and his face was a deep crimson, but Noin was oblivious to his existence. "Noin," he growled, "I'm going to fucking kill you."

"Whatever for?" she replied, eyes glinting in acute amusement.

"Slander! I can't *believe* you just said shit like that at a press conference! The tabloid reporters out there are so happy that the stage has gone totally white! What possessed you to blurt that out?!"

"It seemed funny at the time--"

He resolutely smacked her across the face. She flew with the grace of a shot chicken and bounced off the wall. "Kuso!" Zechs swore. "Busu, I'm gonna show you 'funny'! And if you don't call another press conference in a week and tell people that I'm straight, I'm gonna string you up and--"

Suddenly, the sea of reporters outside surged against the door, interrupting his thoughts. Said door had been designed to protect movie stars from rabid fans, but under the strain of journalists, it visibly bulged, and a hairline crack creased its middle.

Zechs stopped beating the living shit out of Noin mid-kick, his attention snapping like a rubber band to the door. <Oh hell,> he thought, irrational panic seizing his mind as he looked for a quick exit. The door then burst open, and a thick mass of microphones, cameras, camcorders, tape recorders, and shouted queries poured inside.

"Mr. Marquise, would you care to comment--"

"Is there any truth to Liutenant Noin's allegations that--"

Are you and Wufei engaging in--"

"Are the other Gundam pilots--"

Zechs squealed like a mouse and made a mad dash for the window where he'd made his entrance, the journalists in hot pursuit. He slithered through the tight fit and, after kicking a cameraman in his Sonycam for grabbing his ankle, darted off into the night, leaving Noin behind to be crushed by the mass of inquisitiveness.

A few minutes before the unfortunate events above...

Guile hollered "Sonic BOOM!" as he performed said move and smacked Blanca upside the head with a wave of blue light. Duo giggled and said, "See? Americans kick ass even in this stupid game!"

Trowa, who controlled the green mutant, said nothing, only rolled his visible eye.

The five Gundam pilots had been duking it out on an old Super Nintendo copy of Street Fighter II for about three hours. There was no mission that night, no responsibilities, and they all (in their own way) intended to take full advantage of it. As Duo and Trowa did their best to kill each other, Hiro and Wufei hovered over them on the nearby couch, like vultures waiting for prey to die, waiting to grab the controller of the loser. Quatre had excused himself a few seconds ago to make himself a cappuchino, and crashing noises could be heard from the kitchen as he tried to reason with the rebellious machine.

Blanca impassively electrocuted Guile, frying the soldier-boy in two seconds flat and ending the bout in favor of Trowa. As Duo stared at the screen in shock, his mouth gaping open like a fish's, Hiro quickly snagged the controller away from him.

"It's my turn!" Wufei protested, trying to wrestle the controller away.

"Mine," Hiro muttered, elbowing the other boy in the face. Wufei made a funny noise and withdrew, curled up in the corner of the couch and nursing a busted lip.

Duo, seeming to have recovered from his shock (pun intended), smacked Trowa good-naturedly on the shoulder. "That's OK, man! I was waiting for you to make a tactical mistake, and indeed you did. For you see, when you electrocuted my character, you made Shinigami angry. And when Shinigami gets angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset--" he leered an inch away from Trowa's apathetic face "--PEOPLE DIE!!!"

"I think you've seen that movie once too often," was Trowa's only comment.

"I thought that men named their little friends things like 'Spike'," Wufei couldn't help but comment...although the mere mention of genitals caused a thin trickle of blood from his already aching nose. "Calling it 'Mr. Bigglesworth' is new to me."

"Fuck you, too," Duo said, sticking out his tongue.

As if offended by the conversation, the Super Nintendo sputtered and died. The picture on the screen briefly twisted like images in a funhouse mirror, then blacked out and returned to Ricki Lake.

"Kuso!" Hiro growled.

"Nandattano ittai?"

"I think my 1000-hit combo overloaded the machine."

"Great! Wonderful! Life is grand! Now we don't have anything to do!"

A loud metallic crash diverted their attention for a second. "ITAI!" Quatre yelped from the kitchen. "No, I'm all right, really I am!"

Choosing to ignore the epic battle between pilot and cappuchino machine, Duo further lamented: "And the only thing on TV right now is talk shows or the news! Jerry Springer doesn't even come on until midnight!"

"Wait," Wufei piped up. "Wasn't that onna...the one that has a butch haircut...didn't she say that she was going to be on the news tonight?"

"Noin?" Hiro mused. "Hai. Yeah, that's right. She's getting decorated for some reason or other."

"Didn't she also say that she would mention us in her acceptance speech?"

Duo's amnethyst eyes lit up like spotlights at a car dealership. "She's gonna mention us on *TV*?!" he squealed. "Hot damn! We need all the PR we can get these days!" He immediately started to search the couch for the remote control, eventually ripping off the cushions and sending them (and an irate Wufei) flying across the room.

"You know, the television does have a built-in controller," Trowa said quietly. He punched in 0-2 on the TV's number pad, changing it to the news station.

Noin was already on the TV, in the middle of her speech. She looked pale and glazed over as she stared into the sea of reporters pressed against the apron of the stage. Trying to speak over them--and sounding very dazed--she said: "I'd like to thank six very special boys who helped me to gain this, uh, honor. The five Gundam pilots and Zechs Marquise are a godsend. Without their support, militarily and otherwise, we would be at a loss--"

"*Yea!!*" Duo picked up Wufei, who had remained buried under the sofa cushions, and started to dance with the furious Chinese boy.

"--and its tyranny. They are loyal, brave, true heroes in our time--"

"Are you hearing this?!" He slung Wufei over one shoulder, ignoring the punches in the head he was recieving, and grabbed up Trowa and Hiro. Possessed of a superhuman strength in his euphoria, he gleefully forced the other two boys to dance with him.

"Duo, omae o korosu--" Hiro threatened.

Trowa only smiled and let himself be led.

"--has dedicated himself to his cause without thought of his own feelings--"

"Teme--yarukia?!" Wufei screamed at the top of his lungs.

A muffled cry of "crap!" emerged from the kitchen, but no one really noticed.

"We kick ass," Duo sang, "we kick ass, we kick ass--"

"And, as a final thought, the world should know that each and every one of them is gay as Elton John."

Duo dropped Wufei on his head, but took no notice to the near-frenzied Chinaman. For once, he was actually speechless. The three standing pilots looked down, to where their hands were joined, and quickly dropped them. They eyed each other supsiciously and took several steps back from each other. Noin continued to babble incoherently about sex scandals and orgies, oblivious to the fact that she had just signed her own death warrant. Wufei got off the ground, a huge knot forming rapidly on his forehead, looking madder than a pack of rabid gophers.

Poor, clueless Quatre, who was covered from head to toe in instant cappuchino powder, finally emerged from the kitchen with a steaming cup of coffee in hand. "Well, *that* was interesting!" he said in his milquetoast-but-oh-so-kawaii way. "I've never had to struggle with a machine so hard in my life, Gundams included!" His peppiness faded as he saw that the other pilots were giving each other the evil eye. Wufei's hand twitched towards his sword (not THAT one, you hentai!), and the other three casually reached for their guns. "Gosh, what's the matter, you guys? And what's Noin doing on TV?"

"She said that Hiro's a buttfucker!" Duo cried, pointing at the startled Wing Zero pilot.

In a surprising show of vulgarity, Hiro snapped: "Same to you, cum-guzzler!"

Duo sucker-punched him.

Wufei collapsed on the ground like a whale in the Sahara, writhing in agony and clutching his nose, which seemed to have exploded.

Trowa blinked impassively.

"At least *you're* talking sense, Trowa," Quatre said, glancing at the television.

Noin said stammeringly: "Well, I always knew that Quatre was a bit, uh, on the pansy side of things, but no one was more shocked than me to learn, um, that he and Trowa spend their nights in the throes of passionate...passion."

Quatre dropped his cappuchino, splashing hot coffee all over a very miserable Wufei. The blonde boy's jaw dropped down below his knees as his entire face turned a disturbing shade of purple. He gawked at the TV as Hiro and Duo tried to wrestle and beat the hell out of each other without looking queer, and Trowa (deciding that he'd had enough fun) left the room to go to bed. He prudently switched off the TV first, but Quatre continued to stare and go purple.

Him...gay?

Him and Trowa...lovers?

What on earth had given Noin *that* idea?!

Wufei was not having a good night. He was sopping wet with his own blood and sugary coffee; he'd been stepped on, elbowed, thrown across the room, dropped on his head, and (worst of all) forced to dance in the past ten minutes. He was in pain, and then that ignorant female was accusing him of being with Zechs, and said that they--

He shut off that thought before he caught another nosebleed. Instead, he hopped to his feet, his eyes flashing fire, and socked Quatre between the eyes. The shocked Arab went down like a sack of bricks, and Wufei delightedly proceeded to kick the crap out of the hapless boy. Once he was positive that the boy had been thrashed into unconsciousness, the Chinese pilot raised his arms up in a gesture of victory. "Justice over all fags!" he cried, and instantly fell asleep standing up.

Hiro and Duo, who were still fighting, looked at the others, looked at each other, then stood up and edged away. Each went off to his separate room, Duo wondering how long it'd take before his lip healed up, Hiro trying to think of what movie this plot was ripping off from.

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Disclaimer

The Gundam boys and anything pertaining to Gundam Wing belong to the creators of the show, not to me, no matter how hard I wish. They are being used without permission for fun, not profit. If you don't know this, then you are a sad sack of shit. Go crawl under a rock and wither up and die. Also, "In & Out" belongs to its writer, and not me; any semblances between the plot of this fanfic and that movie were done very much intentionally. Get over it.

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Preview of Part 1:

Duo: "Pansy ass faggot! You and your gay-looking little ponytail!"

Wufei: "What're you talking about? You've got a girly braid! What kind of pussy hairstyle is that?!"

Trowa: "It appears that these yaoi fanfiction websites have sprouted like mushrooms on the Internet in the past three days."

Quatre: "*You*? And *me*? Kittane!!"

Quatre: "No, Wufei, you fool! DON'T LOOK AT THAT SCREEN!!!!"

Wufei: "IIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

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Now, cuz you're special--Japanese!!!

kuso--shit/damn

busu--bitch

Nanddattano ittai?--What was that?

Itai!--Owch!

hai--yes

Omae o korosu--I'm going to kill you (you don't know Gundam, do you?)

Teme--yarukia?--Are you trying to piss me off?

On to Part 1

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