Patricia Phillips



"For my Mother"

Copyright 1998.




You can try to twist it 
anyway you like
you cannot avoid it
What you did wasn't right.

I looked for protection
in a natural place
I was saddened and hurt
by indifference on your face.

I've spent my whole life
apologizing for my existence
Knowing I wasn't what you wanted
I wasn't a proper Princess.

Try to imagine how you'd be
if as you grew, your brother and mom
without a care for how you feel
told you over and over you do it all wrong.

How dare you act outraged
as though I have committed a sin
to make you face the facts
about the person you have been.

Don't pretend it didn't happen
Don't claim you didn't know
when your first statement was
"Well, I told you so".

You cannot justify it
you can hate it or be sad
But you can't change the past
to erase when you were bad.

And to add to the insult 
of a mother sending her own 
deliberately in harm's way
is you implying that I atone.

I should be sorry I disobeyed
and married against your wants.
To be beaten, raped and terrorized
is all I deserve from your taunts.

I'm to act as though it never happened
because you don't want the world to see
the appalling choice you and your son made
when you turned your backs on my plea.

I grew up feeling useless
inadequate and dumb.
You wanted a doll for a daughter
Dresses and curls to comb.

And you have never let me forget
what a disappointment I have been.
That I'm a sickly, clumsy tomboy
no matter what frills you put me in.

Every day for a solid two years
I was told I was going to hell.
Does that sound like a pleasant childhood?
Sure! I think it sounds swell!

A child fluent in french at five
is not an embarrassment.
Yet that is what you called me
when we sat in a french restaurant.

At twelve a girl doesn't need to overhear
her mother complaing to a friend
that her daughter "used to be so cute".
Wonder when that came to an end?

And these are only some high points
of an error strewn maternity
I take responsibility that I 
was sometimes cruel in reciprocity.

It really makes me wonder
if you ever bothered to know
how bright and kind your daughter is.
And how she suffers so.

Agonizing over every flaw
terrified she may hurt
anyone that she loves
do damage to their hearts.

But it isn't fair of you
to take that pathetic urge to please
and use it to act unfairly
just because no one sees.

Except for your pride and joy
the son you try so hard not to admit
has failed all expectations
because rather than fail, he'll quit.

A brother whom I respected
who told me I was inferior
everytime that he saw me
And how he was superior.

Even now you say I should apologize
when he does a wrong to me
Last time I saw, Fair was Fair
not just what Bill wants it to be.

So I'm sorry if I hurt that image
of the polite martyr you like to play,
but anyone you ask, if you tell the Truth
will say you owe the apology.


"Ghosts of the Millenia"


Copyright 1995



     Ghosts of the millenia
     walk the hallways of my mind
     feeling of dementia
     am I seeking what I find

     I listen to my soul creaking
     my heart may soon cease to beat
     Wheels in my mind squeaking
     it's time to call in the fleet

     A meloncholy feeling
     a cold sense of lassitude
     My emotions are bleeding
     no life at this latitude

     Doesn't matter if Christian
     this is still a kind of Hell
     to be in this position
     to be sinking in the well

     To seek out my freedom road
     I must face the right direction
     no way to lighten the load
     have a selective perception

     There is no resolution
     nor excavation project
     No kind of magic potion
     these fancies I reject

     My bones and blood and sinew
     are my only redemption
     The world can not be brand new
     No chance of exemption                          
                        
 
                                    
Untitled

                               

Copyright 1987 




     Seen
     in the darkness
     a vision of hope
     In the blackness
     a lone prayer
     calls my soul
     to a place
     that I've never been
     A glorious Myth
     Nirvanna
     I wonder
     with my eyes shut tight
     dreaming
     into the endless night