The Pagan Heart
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April 2005 Issue
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We premiered this column with a wonderful meditation by one of our staff writers. This issue one of our readers has chosen to share some intense dreamwork she experienced recently. Working with Energy: To Follow A Dream
By Lisa Guthrie
From early childhood I have been a vivid dreamer, able to recall small details: the play of light through a canopy of trees; the smell of baking cookies; or the fear of being lost and alone with no one to guide me home. More than once I asked my Mother if a particular memory was in fact reality or something that I had recalled from a dream. Our family traveled often as I was growing up and I would often dream of the places we had visited. On three separate vacations I remember telling my parents that I would someday live near each of these locations. At age three I knew I would one day return to southern Kentucky and find 2 individuals I would complete my journey in this life with. I did indeed return - there I met my husband and a very dear friend who has become my sister. At age seven I knew that my older self would someday live in the dessert southwest - that time has not yet come, but I have no doubt that it will. At age twelve a trip to Tampa Bay led to the realization I would eventually live in the area because of a hospital I would have to frequent. Currently we are treating my son at two hospitals in Tampa and one in Miami. My mother recalls the statements, however she does not remember my saying what would lead my life there or for what reason I would return. As an adult I am better at understanding my dreams, more in tune with their often hidden messages and passages to the soul. I have learned to listen as the Goddess speaks to me. Many nights over the past several months I have drifted into sleep, deep in thought, while I contemplated my life and the path that I was taking. As the moon waxed toward full on Monday night, January 17, 2005, I had a dream. I stand in the field behind my home, looking up to the early morning sky. I feel the dew on the new grass against my bare feet and the faint sweet smell of the cut hay still lingers on a slight breeze. As I gaze up a bright light slowly forms overhead and a large rainbow cascades from its center. As I am looking at this never-before-seen wonder I hear a Voice speak to me, emanating from the center of the light. The Voice asks why I am unhappy and filled with fear. I tell It that I feel I am failing. Failing as a mother, as a wife, as a friend, and most importantly that I am failing myself. I ask how I can find happiness again. It replies in soft, feminine tones that I already know - it's simply a matter of doing. It, no, She then asks if I am aware of the tasks that I have been given to manage, the projects that are most important to my life at this moment in time. I hang my head, looking at the grass growing at my feet, and answer that I do. I go on to say that it is not the work that pays the bills, nor is it my home that I feel must be kept, but rather a small child who is so alone in this world. This child is my son who has reached his 3's with little guidance or direction from me. My son who is now 3 years old, weighs 30 pounds, and is 3 feet tall. My son who I barely know past his ever-changing medications and continuing seizures... The Voice says that this is true, but there is more She feels that I'm missing. I have three children still in my home and their time there is fleeting. All three need me. Now. For a difference to be made in each of their lives I must let that part of me that is most toxic die away so new life can be born. Again I ask Her how. How I can find happiness? How can I make a difference to those who are most important in my life? The Voice quietly tells me that I already know, that I've known for several months, it's only a matter of letting go and doing. I woke the next morning knowing that Goddess had come to me in my dream and Her message must not go unheeded, that indeed time is fleeting. As I drove into work that day I knew I resign my position before the end of the week. That this was the time to let my current job die away and to step back to find myself again. I wrote my resignation letter that afternoon and tucked it under the computer thinking that I would give it to my boss on Friday. Work was intense that week, though, and my boss cancelled the meeting that I scheduled with him for Friday. And I failed to make a new opportunity to give my resignation. The following Monday, January 24, 2005, the night prior to the full moon, Goddess spoke to me in yet another dream. My shadow follows as I cross the field behind my home, gazing up at the full moon over head. I can feel a cool damp fog dancing around my bare feet. As I look at the moon, dark clouds gather and Her face is completely hidden from view. Then the fog begins to swirl and rise, closing in around me until the field is left in total darkness. Again I hear Her, speaking from the shadows that surround me. She asks why I failed to do what I feel will bring happiness and peace to my life? Why have I continued in a place that I know is toxic to my spirit and the energy that I share with my family? In answer, I tell Her that I havn't been allowed the time, that circumstances made it difficult to resign, and I need to work! I need to help support my family in the lifestyle that they are accustomed to. I have to help pay for medications and hospitalizations for my little one. Her voice, still feminine, yet edged with warning and perhaps regret tells me that if I don't follow what I feel is right, my life will become like the night that surrounds me. I look around at the lightless gloom, no reflection of myself to be seen on the ground, and I ask a final time: how do I find happiness? How do I find myself? How do I bring healing to those who are most important to me? She speaks in only a whisper now and says I already know. I have to follow my heart - all I have to do is take the first step and She will provide the rest. A quick breeze begins to move across the field - the clouds sweep away from the moon, the fog pushes back into the trees. With nothing except the clear night air between myself and the radiant light of the moon, my shadow falls full against the Earth. I wake the next morning knowing what I must do. I resign my position. The past two months have brought much happiness from being at home with my children. My oldest has left for the military and leaves for Germany in May, then on to Iraq by year's end. I was home with my daughter to dry her tears following the death of her grandfather. And even though my little one still struggles daily with seizures, I feel that I know him. Finances still need to be met and I will return to the work force within the next few weeks. However the Divine is leading me toward areas that I would not have explored without guidance. An opportunity has opened with little effort of my own and I know that I will follow that path. Answers to life's hardest choices often come in the silence of a dream. Are you listening? Will you follow your heart's desires?
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Primary article for April - Yogic Nidra
Secondary article for April - To Follow A Dream
Return to the Index of articles for Tools of the Trade
