time is nigh
11/08/00 02:45 PM

the time is nigh
now is the time,
give me a dollar
for every rhyme,
give me a collar
for every crime,
give me hope and not dope,
for every slope,
give me a thrill, rather than a drill
for every "grill"
give me a dream, and a team,
for every screen
but most of all mostly
closest to what I want,
closely...

the past, the blame, the anger and the cane
the ugly, the hateful, the stubborn and.........
just pass around the love
as Janis would say
just pass round the love
I need it today
I need it tommorow
please take away this anguish and sorrow
let it only be love, yes only love to follow





Losing Myself in You
posted on 11/21/00

Slipping perfectly into the cracks between your fingers
I hold myself there,
In the warmth,
of the flow,
I hear your pulse (or maybe it’s mine?)
blood rushing (like my head or is it my heart?)
all-encompassing
drowning
maybe it’s better to go quickly submerged
and numb
than to wound myself
on the sharp edges of your pain

rip out my eyes
there is no other way to forget the sight of you
cut off my hand
that touched the flesh surrounding
your heart,
your mind,
and the hand that was touched,
by you

slipping between the cracks
of your fingers
an unkempt stowaway
on a ship with no destination
everything could be ....but,
& but,
has become the key that locks
the cell that has become if only





holding it together
11/21/00 10:47 AM

I am holding this together,
holding these thoughts apart,
Keeping them from my breast,
confining these memories to quarantine
to rest my tired heart





Labels Maketh the "Man"
01/16/01

Maybe I don't play the notes that you would like to hear?
& my dance, is one that you don't feel comfortable with,
I think my differences make you nervous.

Perhaps my opinion nullifies yours,
or maybe it's because you feel I shouldn't have,
an opinion,
I would probably go as so far as to say that perhaps you think I have no right to one?

I don't fit into a box that you can label,
and in world of ignorance labels "maketh the man"
or maybe the label comes with too many complexties for you to understand,
because reaching that understanding,
would probably mean,
yes it would mean work,
and that work would mean you might have to extend yourself,
further than you are capable of.

So my request to you is,
please don't make your insecurities my cross
please don't make your ignorance my illiteracy
don't hold down me in order to give yourself something to stand on,
& please don't inhibit my mind with the fears that prevent you from being free




Another Sad Love Poem
01/30/01

I am tired of this loneliness on the inside
Here I sit on my own little island
Shipwrecked
ships pass me by,
But most of them don’t see me
no matter what I do to draw their attention.
Those that do say they have no room
Yet they tell me not to worry,
One will be here soon to rescue me
I sit and wait,
I think I have been here for eternity.

Maybe I could be happy on this island
Without you,
It’s beauty is immense and reaches into my soul
But it will never reach deep enough without you here
It will never ignite the passion that I need to make fire for warmth
It will never send enough rains to grow a fruitful crop
no if you not here, it will all be waisted on me

Sometimes I think I am better off dead
if I am to be without you
Strange and sad,
twisted actually,
the table's turned scenario
You always said it should be like this
in the beginning,
you felt like this
back then all I could do was run away
I thought you were completely off your rocker
and I told you so

Yes back then,
when I said and did vile things to our love
that left deep scars
And now each time I reach into your soul
I see those scars staring back at me
Like a naughty child
I am scolded
sent to my room without food again
I can’t let go...
no I wont let go!

and in the turbulence
I wonder,
as ene always does
could be our last plane ride?
and yet we always land,
Even if it is bumpy




Sometimes
03/10/01

sometimes I hate myself
I feel stupid
small,
invisible & old

& sometimes I am big,
MONSTROUS,
coupled with clumsiness,
and in the way,
always in the God damn way

I love me
I hate me
I love me
I hate me

signifcant,
insignificant,
I matter,
I don't.

what happened to confidence
oh my best friend CONFIDENCE
and her sister self-worth
well, sometimes she wills
and sometimes they don't
sometimes it kills
and sometimes it wont.

the world is so big
I am so small
yet the world,
yes mother earth - she is never big enough to hide behind
cos no matter where I go - no it don't matter
because it's in me,
the only answer that is worth finding
it's in me...
me
me
me

sometimes I wish I knew what was best for me
and sometimes everything I go through feels like I test to see
if I can remember,
who I am,
who am I?
but I guess the question is,
will always be.
will you still love me, tommorow?





? is there anyone out there
03/16/01

is there anyone out there,
who wants to dance naked in the moonlight,
& though the light might catch each blemish
you revel in it's beauty.

is there anyone out there
who knows their name,
and takes pleasure in learning the names of others.

is there anyone out there ,
who is not afraid of love
and yet afraid enough to know what it means,
to really love,
to expose yourself
to day and night.

is there anyone out there?
who wants to "unclip" their wings
and swim with dolphins,
who wants to run naked down a busy street shrieking with laughter
is there anyone out there?





Reaching Out
03/17/01

a shooting star cutting through the black night
it's a flicker,
yes just a glimpse
I hope you see it.

a tree on gummi berry juice
charging towards the sun
I need to get there fast
to the top
past the other trees
I need you,
yes you,
only you
to see me.

reaching out
I am reaching out
I call your name
it can't be in vain
though every heartbeat tells me,
girl you are INSANE!
but, I must see you again
and again.

I love you
and yes, I have never known a love
like this love
a love that can only be called
true love.
yes this is my love!
you are my only love
are you getting the picture here?
I love you.

without you my world is night,
without the shooting stars.
day,
without the morning dew
that dance on the tips of green grass

I will never stop reaching out to you
you ignite my world
my flint
my flame
there can never been another you
I need to see you,
again and again





Too Late
03/17/01

no not again
I did it again

I'm sorry
but it's too late now
soooo'ooorry
you have heard it all before

trust trust trust
what is this elusive act of trust
do you get an instruction manual
to programme your mind correctly
in order to process trust.

maybe trust is applicable when you like yourself
maybe trust is applicable when you have never been hurt before
so what is this trust?

if only i knew what happend to my mind
between the promise of trust (I know I can trust you, I have to)
up until the moment of distrust
you see it in my eyes
a look you have come to despise
and oops it's too late
the monsters out
I did it again
I hurt you,
with my distrust
I pushed you away with my jealousy
leaving me more insecure
than ever before
another notch to that desperate insecurity
pathetic
get a grip
but where to grip
I don't know anymore




let me tell you about real love
04/28/01

love is more than a feeling
it's more than an emotion spurred on by inner desires
it's more than wanting something
it's not about possessing,
it's solid
engraved in rock
it's unshakeable
the foundations lie in friendship
and in truth

love is not like the weather
because love is based on so much more than our own needs
love is so much stronger than how another person makes us feel about ourselves
love is not about obsessive behaviour
it's the ultimate trust
it's eternal
it's real
and goes so much further than words
love is not what you feel when you lonely
love is not for the purpose of satisfying a need
love is unconditional
and it starts when we learn to love ourselves
for one cannot love another
or know what love looks like
if we don't love ourselves unconditionally

love is not about convenience
love is not about the fear of being alone
love is not about reciprication alone
love is not about changing others
love is not about demanding something
love is not about sacrifice alone but about compromise
love is not about what is only in it for you
love is about caring about how someone else feels
love is about responsibility
real love does not isolate
true love never fails



whispers of gold
05/08/01

an old poem where i got my namesake........from chilly willy Londres

Quiet whispers
Softly blow
Across my face
In Autumn Glow

The Amber’s race
Through the trees
And across my face
Blows an autumn breeze

Now bare branches
Stripped to the seam
Have taken to sleep
For their winter dream

And the colours,
Prance in bright disarray
As they encircle their hosts
Before they fly away

Flying in whispers
Of lemon and gold
As the secrets of scarlet
And amber unfold


Dancing Around You
06/26/01

get so tired of being understanding,
Of accepting where you come from
Which is apparently justification
As to why you spew out the crap you do

I get so tired of your old school thinking
Of your inability to stretch yourself
Of your incapability to take responsibility
For your own thoughts,
Your own ideas,
Your own perceptions.

And yet I disgust myself
Because I remain sympathetic,
To your brainwashing,
It’s easier to blame your parents,
blame the church,
why not even blame the politicians?
just put it all down to socialisation.

Well I am tired
And I do blame you
Yes I am tired,
I have used up all my energy
I don’t think you’ll never change
I have tried to educate you long enough,
But I wont cater to your tunnel-vision anymore
I am who I am,
You aren’t doing me any favours,
actually I feel like it's the opposite,
so listen closely when I say
I am who I am,
I don't need you.....

addiction
Hissing at myself with the tongue of snake
After I voluntarily injected myself with it’s venom,
Into my life,
Once again

Slow death,
As the poison so subtly,
invades my mind,
My soul,
My sanity,
My deal with the devil

Each time it takes a little more,
Do you think once it’s gone,
It’s gone?

Teetering on the edge of u2’s
With or without you.
I can’t live,
With or without you…