(2)
One day a boy and a girl were playing, until the boy asked the girl to sit on a tree. She said "no way"! the boy replied "I'll give you ten bucks!" The girl accepted and sat on the tree. Her mum got angry because she reckons that the boy wanted to see her daughters undies. So the next day, everything repeated itself (the boy asking, the girl refusing, but later accepts and sits on a tree). Her mum asked what happened today to her daughter. She replied "don't worry mum, I didn't even wear undies today!"
 

(3)
>
 

(4)
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"
 

(5)
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.
"Parlare Italiano?"
No response.
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
Still nothing.
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
 

(6)
FEUDALISM: You have 2 cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

APPLIED COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

NIGERIAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and shoots you and sends the cows to a Zurich bank account.

MILITARISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The neighbours decide who gets the milk.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. The government fines you for keeping 2 unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you 2 cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for
speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". The cow sues you for breach of contract.

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have 2 cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not
to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.

CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG-KONG CAPITALISM: You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with
associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of the 6 cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all 7
cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on 1 more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2
cows because of bad feng shui.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have 2 cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant
past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of nonspecified gender.

COUNTERCULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these 2 cows, man. You have *got* to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have 2 giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
 

(7)
A man wakes up, goes upstairs, turns on the light, hears something on the
radio, jumps out the window and kills himself.

Who is he and what did he hear?

Answer: a lighthouse keeper who forgot to turn the light on before he went to bed and heard about a shipwreck on the radio.


 

(8)
REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
 

(9)
John Howard was visiting a school and came upon a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the work "tragedy". So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, "if my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Howard, "that would be
an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains the Prime Minister, "That's what
we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. Mr Howard searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If the Prime Minister's plane carrying him and
the Treasurer Peter Costello was struck by a surface to air missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic," exclaims
Howard, "that's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."

 

(10)
About a century or two ago,
the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome.
It had been announced by the Pope that all the
Jews would have to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice.
So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The Pope agreed. The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head.
Moishe pointed to the ground wherehe sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up." This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity." He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. "What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe," First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe, "He took out his lunch and I took out mine"
 

(11)
(This is really spooky... An anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble).


Word Phrase ---> When you rearrange the letters

Dormitory *** Dirty room
Desperation *** A rope ends it
The Morse Code *** Here come dots
Slot Machines *** Cast lost in 'em
Mother-in-law *** Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms *** Alas! No more Z's
Alec Guinness *** Genuine class
Semolina *** Is no meal
Eleven plus Two *** Twelve plus one
Astronomer *** Moon starer
Princess Diana *** End is a car spin

AND HERE IS THE MOST INTRIGUING PART
Year Two Thousand *** A year to shut down

 

(12)
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is ther anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks
his teeth. Finally, he says
"I'm going to have to put him down"
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's bloody heavy"

 

(13)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the
night and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me
that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions
of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all
powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some
cad has stolen our tent."
 

(14)
An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

What would your answer be??

Answers:
"A woman, without her man, is nothing"
"A woman without her man, is nothing"
"A woman, without her, man is nothing"
"A woman without her, man is nothing"
"A woman: without her, man is nothing"

 

(15)
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He
reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon
further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30
feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is
technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "you must work in Management.

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where
you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in
the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
 

(16)
Olympic Questions sent to the Department of Immigration


Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

I hear that all Australian women are beautiful. Is that true and if so, can
you send me pictures of the available ones? (Italy)

Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

I want to walk from Perth to Sydney. Can I follow the railroad
tracks?(Sweden)

My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia. Will you let
her in? (South Africa)

Are there any ATMs in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in
Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)

Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)

Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)

Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake
serum. (USA)

Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA)

I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated
while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
 

(17)
Someone sent me this: Offense=Americans in general;
Monica Lewinsky in particular

----- Begin Included Message -----

John Cleese was on American TV recently and was asked for the difference between English and American people. In reply he said that there were three...

1-"We speak English and you don't."

2-"When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport,
we invite teams from other countries."

3-Finally, when you meet the head of state in England, you only
have to go down on one knee."
----- End Included Message -----
 

(18)
GREAT WRITER

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the
whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in
pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
 

(19)
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when
he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of
paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you
make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on,
inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
 

(20)
>MOTHER SAYS
>
>Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children
>plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small
>sampling:
>
>PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have
>to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"
>
>MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't minnd you
>having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
>
>MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I
>spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
>
>HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, If I've told you once,
>I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you
>listen to me? Noooo!"
>
>COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've descovered,
>Christopher. You still could have written!"
>
>BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told
>you -- quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken
>window this week!"
>
>MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls
>like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get
>that stuff off the ceiling?"
>
>NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't
>hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand
>out of there and prove it!"
>
>CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you --
>don't go biting off more than you can chew!"
>
>ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat,
>Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
>
>BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite,
>Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."
>
>MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to
>school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade
>than you."
>
>BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize
>how much the insurance is going to be?"
>
>GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair
>from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
>
>LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if
>you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll
>be a lot more spiders around here!"
>
>ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture.
>Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse,
>something...?"
>
>GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you
>throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance
>good-bye!"
>
>JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where
>you've really been for the last three days."
>
>SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed
>it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now
>will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"
>
>And finally....
>
>THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented
>the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

 

(21)
The Spellchecker Is Always Write!

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea

And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It’s rare lea ever wrong

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
 

(22)
The following list of phrases and their definitions might help
you understand the mysterious language of science and
medicine. These special phrases are also applicable to anyone
reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"... I didn't look up the original
reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"... These data are practically
meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO
THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope
to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"... The
other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"... This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"... I might get
around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"... Once

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"... Twice

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"... Thrice

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"... I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"... A couple of others think
so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"... Wrong.

"ACCORD1NG TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"... Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF
THESE FINDINGS"... A wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"... Three pages of
notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE
A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"... I don't
understand it

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"... They don't
understand it either.

"THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE
EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"... Mr.
Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it
meant.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"... A totally
useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
1NVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"... I quit.
 

(23)
>>
>> God created the mule and told him:
>>
>> "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
>> loads on your back. You will eat grass and you will lack intelligence.
>> You will live for 50 years."
>>
>> The mule answered: "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please,
>> give me no more than 20." And it was so.
>>
>> Then God created the dog and told him: "You will hold vigilance over the
>> dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will
>> eat his table scraps and live for 30 years."
>>
>> And the dog responded: "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
>> Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.
>>
>> God then created the monkey and told him: "You are the monkey. You will
>> swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
>> shall live for 40 years."
>>
>> And the monkey responded: "Lord, to live 40 years as the clown of the
>> world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 30 years." And
>> it was so.
>>
>> Finally, God created Man and told him: "You are Man, the only rational
>> being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
>> over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
>> 20 years."
>>
>> And the man responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
>> Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
>> refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
>>
>> And God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years
>> like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, his
>> children will become teenagers and he will live 15 years as a dog,
>> guarding his house and eating leftovers after they empty the pantry;
>> then, in his old age, he will live 10 years as a monkey, acting like
>> a fool to amuse his grandchildren.

>> And it was so.
 

(24)
>The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening.
>They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating
>there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could
>tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been
>through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
>
>The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order
>with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table
>near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one
>hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
>
>The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in
>half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted
>out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in
>front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip and then
>set the cup down between them.
>
>As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get
>restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old
>couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man
>began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old
>couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to
>eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to
>sharing everything.
>
>Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just
>sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the
>drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them
>something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to
>sharing everything together.
>
>As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a
>napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their
>table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he
>finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you
>eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting
>for?"
>
>She answered,
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>"the teeth".
 

(25)
Here are some classic quotes to start of the week - enjoy!

>
>Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
>Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
>because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
>but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
> Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
>
>"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
>I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not
>with all those flies and death and stuff."
> Mariah Carey
>
>"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
> David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he
>failed to pay his taxes.
>
>"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
>life."
> Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
>federal antismoking campaign
>
>"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
> Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketbal forward
>
>"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
>the country."
> Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
>
>"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
> Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
>
>"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the
>president."
> Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
>
>"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm
>just the one to do it."
> A congressional candidate in Texas
>
>"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There
>were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were
>selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
> John Wayne
>
>"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
> Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
>
>"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our
>air and water that are doing it."
> Former US Vice-president Dan Quayle (Right on, Danny!!!)
>
>"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right
>out from under your feet."
> Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
>
>"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
> Former US Vice-president Dan Quayle (You da man, Danny!)
>
>"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."
>
>"I have opinions of my own -strong opinions- but I don't always agree with
>them."
> George Bush, US President
>
>"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
> Lee Iacocca
>
>"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the
>truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
> Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony
>
>"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself.
>It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's
>got a particularly unique situation."
> Dan Quayle, US VP
>
>"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
> Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor
>
>"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
> Dan Quayle
>
>"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
> Dan Quayle
>
>"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
> Keppel Enderbery
>
>"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
> Dan Quayle
>
>"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I
>didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
> Dan Quayle
>
>"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very
>wasteful. How true that is."
> Dan Quayle
>
>"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago..."
> Dan Quayle
>
>"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
>notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
> Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
>
>"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr.
>Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr.
>Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
> Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
>
>"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
>bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
>they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
> Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
 

(26)
Greg Norman....."I owe a lot to my parents..especially my mother and
father".
 

(27)
Monkey Business
A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and looks at the
cages on display. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says
to the shopkeeper, I’ll have a C monkey, please. The shopkeeper nods,
goes over to a cage at the side of the shop, and takes out a monkey.

He fits it with a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying
That’ll be $5,000. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper. That was a very
expensive monkey; most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did
it cost so much?

Ah, that monkey can program in C; very fast, tight code, no bugs, well
worth the money.

The tourist looks at the other monkeys. That one’s even more expensive,
$10,000! What does it do?

Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming,
Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.

The tourist looks around a little longer and sees a third monkey in a
cage on its own. The price tag around its neck says $50,000. He gasps.
That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth
does it do? Well, I don’t know if it does anything, but it says it’s a
contractor.
 

(28)
Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is four-fifths of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the
logger makes $20. What do you think of making a living this way? Topic
for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no
wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company outsources all of its loggers. The firm
saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging
workforce can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the
company earned $50,000 per year, had three weeks vacation, a nice
retirement plan, and medical insurance. The contracted logger charged
$50 per hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a
ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging
company’s corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives
and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician
on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a
good move for the company?

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for
blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer so he
can work on Year 2000 projects. What is the probability that the
automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
 

(29)
The World First Profession
-----
A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who
was the world's first professional.

The Doctor said "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have
helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam
to create Eve, the first woman?

"No," said the rabbi. "It must have been a rabbi, since the L-rd
needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.

"Wait," said the engineer. "The world was created in 6 days from
nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have
been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place
from utter chaos?"

"Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the lawyer...
 

(30)
Heavenly Rewards
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead
of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I
may know
whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of
Heaven."The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and
it's
the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow,
pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver
and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you
preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
 

(31)
A man passed away and went to Heaven. When he arrived at
the Pearly Gates, St.Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show
you around. You'll like it here."

While wlking through the gates, the man noticed clocks
everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks,
watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that
Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.
The man questioned St. Peter, "What's the deal? Why are
all these clocks here in Heaven?"

"The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one
clock for each person. Every time that person on earth
tells a lie, his clock moves ahead one minute." St. Peter
continued, "For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used
car salesman. Sam sells a lot of used cars, so the minute
hand on his clock moves all day long. U know that they
lie very much to sell the car"

The man and St. Peter continued walking. Soon, they came
to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. "Whose clock
is that?" asked the man.

"That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the
finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I'll bet her clock
hasn't moved in a year or two."

When the tour was finished, the man said, "You know, I've
seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where's his
clock?"

Saint Peter smiled and replied, "Look overhead. We use
his clock for a ceiling fan."
 

(32)
I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be
honest, none of this Y to K problem makes any sense to me.
At any rate, I have finished converting all the company calendars so
that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
March
April
Mak
June
Julk
August
September
October
November
December

The days will be:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
 

(33)
Be Careful Using E-mail!!
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and
was
planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he
decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of
paper
on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in
from memory. Unfortunately, he missed the correct address by one
letterand
his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose
husband
had passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead
faint.At
the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on
thescreen:
HI HONEY, JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL
TOMORROW. GLAD TO HEAR YOU WILL BE JOINING ME SO SOON.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
 

(34)
What gender is your Computer?

A pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware
that
ships are addressed as "she" and "her." He often wondered what gender
computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two
groups of computer experts. The first was composed of women, and the
second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers
should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine
gender...
They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to
in
the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time
they
are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be referred
to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later
retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment on one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
 

(35)
Only for the Cantonese speakers
An immigrant from Hong Kong is applying for citizenship in
Canada. He is to be interviewed by a Canadian immigration
officer. He does not speak English well and knows nothing
about Canada. Therefore, he invited a special translator to help
him in his interview:
Officer: Do you know who was the first prime minister of Canada?
Translator: (told to this man in Cantonese) The officer asked
you where do you usually go if you want to eat hamburger?
Man: (answered to the officer) Oh..... McDonald (the first
prime minister of Canada is Sir John MacDonald.)
The officer nodded his head and then asked the second question.
Officer: Could you tell me which province you're living in now?
Translator: (said to this man in Cantonese) The officer
just asked you, What is the dirtiest thing in your nose?
Man: (replied to the officer in Cantonese) Ah...... BaySee
(The man lives in the province of British Columbia, commonly
known as B.C. The officer nodded his head again and asked the final
question.
Officer: Do you know what your privilege is when you become a Canadian?
Translator: (told to this man in Cantonese) The officer asked you, how
does a dog sounds like when it barks?
Man: (demonstrated the sound to the officer).. Woe, Woe.
(One of the privileges of a Canadian is the right to vote.)
this officer told the man that all the questions were answered
correctly, shaked hands with him and congratulated him that
he had passed the interview to be a Canadian citizen.
 

(36)
REAL Headlines:
* Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
* Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
* War Dims Hope For Peace
 

(37)
You're a REDNECK if...
---
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You've got more than three cousins
named 'Bubba'.

YOU'VE EVER COME HOME
AND FOUND CRIME SCENE TAPE
ACROSS YOUR FRONT PORCH.
 

(38)
What is a dog?

1. They follow you around with their tongues out.

2. They only respond to simple commands.

3. Their needs are basic and predictable.

4. They whine when their needs are not met.

5. They always need to have something in their mouth.

6. They scratch a lot and sometimes drool.

7. They make loud noises and sometimes smell bad.

8. They need to be trained.

9. You can always tell when one has lived in a house for a long
time.

10. They're rude and rowdy, especially when they're with others
like them.

Conclusion: They're little men in fuzzy boxes.
 

(39)
The Boston Dictionary
For people learning to speak with a "Bawstin" i.e Boston
accent. The following contains some of the better excerpts:
---------
fok: What you eat pahster with.

fyah: Blaze

Gahden: What they're tearing down this yeah.

hahbah: What they dumped tea into in 1773.

Hahvid: Country day school across the rivah.

hahf-ahst: Done without regahd to detail.
 

(40)
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.

The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching
the
action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto
the
field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a
good look
at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest
way I
ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you
said
it, I accept!"
 

(41)
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom,
guess
what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's
interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change y to i and add es."
 

(42)
In the restroom at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly
above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the
sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser,
someone had carefully lettered another sign which read --

"Thoap!"
 

(43)
From our how stupid can you be department
All these are product labels
Real Labels - Real Products
TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT - Do not turn upside down.
(Printed on the bottom of the box.)
MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING - Product will be hot after heating.
ROWENTA IRON - Do not Iron clothes on body.
BOOTS CHILDREN'S COUGH MEDICINE - Do not drive car or operate machinery.
NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) - Warning: may cause drowsiness.
KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE - Warning: keep out of children.
SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS - Warning: contains nuts.
AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS - Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAIN SAW - Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS - You could be a winner! No purchase necesssary.
Details inside.
DIAL SOAP - Directions: Use like regular soap.
 

(44)
It's hard to believe that certain people survive to adulthood!!!
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. I inquired as to what she was doing
and she said she was shopping on the internet, and they asked for
a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy".
 

(45)
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads:"Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this
letter,I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18
year old secretary".
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you
receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome
and virile 18 year old toy-boy. "You being an accountant will appreciate
that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
 

(46)
A blonde and a brunette were walking past a flower shop
when the brunette happened to notice her boyfriend buying
flowers. "Oh no, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again
for no particular reason," sighed the brunette.

The blonde looked at her friend oddly and said, "What's
the big deal? Don't you like getting flowers?"

"Oh, sure I do, but I really don't feel like spending the
next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde thought for a moment and then asked, "Don't
you have a vase?"
 

(47)
Having her hair done at a West Hempstead beauty parlor, a
woman told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The
story deserves a wider audience. So here's the story.....

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related,
she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She
took a break from the slot for dinner with her husband in
the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the
quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to
eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden
bucket to the elevator bank.

As she was about to walk into an elevator she noticed two
men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.
Very big. An intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her
first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next
thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly
nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black.

But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized
her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt
anxious, flustered, and ashamed. She hoped they didn't
read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation
about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious.

Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a
mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped
forward and followed with the other foot and was on the
elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly
and faced the elevator doors as they closed.

A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she
thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart
plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told
her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew
upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the
elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take
my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll
just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the
button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting
words out. He was trying to hold in a belly laugh. She
lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached
down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men,
the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should
hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for
you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his
lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.
She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an
apology, but words failed her.

How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen
for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't
know.

The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled
her bucket.

When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on
walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on
her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down
the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening. As
she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing
while they walked back to the elevator bank.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together
and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next
morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses.
Attached to each rosee was a crisp one dollar bill.

A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in
years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.
 

(48)
A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively
mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their
parents
could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town
their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were
at
their wits end as to what to do about their sons behaviour. The
mother
had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining
children in the past, so she asked her husband if he thought they
should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband
said,
"We might as well. We need to do something
before I really lose my temper!"
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see
them
individually. The 8 year old went to meet with him first. The
clergyman
sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question
in an
even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to
answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook
his
finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home,
slamming
himself in the closet. His older brother followed him into the
closet
and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God
is
missing and they think we did it!"
 

(49)
George Washington couldn't tell a lie,
Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth,
Bill Clinton couldn't tell the difference.
 

(50)
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple martini. Thirty
seconds later a lady walks in and ordered a triple martini.
The bartender says, "Wow! Two back-to-back triple
martini's! Are you celebrating anything?"

The female patron replies, "Yes, for ten years I've been
trying to get pregnant, and this morning the doctor said I
was pregnant!"

The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "Are you
celebrating anything?"

"Yes," replied the man, "I breed peacocks. And for ten
years, I've been trying to breed a peacock with blue eyes.
I walked out to the birdhouse this morning and there I
found a beautiful, blue-eyed peacock!"
 

(51)
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a
McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him.

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael
Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and
we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be
here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM
LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already
be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the
Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks
I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing
that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
 

(52)
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
>
>2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
>
>3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
>
>4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
>
>5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>
>6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>
>7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
>
>8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
> misquoted, then used against you.
>
>9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
>
>10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
>
>11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
>
>12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
>
>13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
>
>14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
>
>15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
>
>16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>
>17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
>
>18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
> cheese.
>
>19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
>
>20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
>
>21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
>
>22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
>
>23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
>
>24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
>
>25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
>
>26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
 

(53)
>A BILL GATES MESSAGE ON LIFE
>
>For recent high school and college graduates, here is a list of 11 things
>they did not learn in school. In his book, Bill Gates talks about how
>feel-good, politically-correct teachings created a full generation of kids
>with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in
>the real world.
>
>RULE 1 Life is not fair; get used to it.
>
>RULE 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect
>you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
>
>RULE 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high
>school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn
>both.
>
>RULE 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He
>doesn't
> have tenure.
>
>RULE 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had
>a
> different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity.
>
>RULE 6 If you mess up, it's not your parent's fault, so don't whine about
>your
> mistakes. Learn from them.
>
>RULE 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
> They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
> listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the
> rain forest from the parasites of your parents' generation, try
>"delousing"
> the closet in your own room.
>
>RULE 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has
> not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades; they'll give you
> as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the
> slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
>
>RULE 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and
>very
> few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on
>your
> own time.
>
>RULE 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to
>leave the
> coffee shop and go to jobs.
>
>RULE 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
 

(54)
Why did the chicken cross the road??

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

QLD. POLICE DEPT: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll
find out.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
chicken did not cross the road. I do not know any chickens. I have
never known any chickens.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a
toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed,
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BRUCE RUXTON: To steal a job from a decent, hard working Australian.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares
why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed
the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released Chicken Coop 99, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your checkbook--and Explorer is an inextricable part of the
operating system.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move
beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with "THAT" chicken!
 

(55)
A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he
doesn't get a new heart soon.

The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the
best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the
doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts
but they are all expensive.

The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and
implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner,
never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak
condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of
course. But it costs $100,000!'

The old man, waving off the last part about the cost, asks the
doctor to tell him about the second donor.

'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer,
high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head
on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three
packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never
exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for
$500,000!!!'

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so
expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer...
so it was never used!'
 

(56)
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar staring into
his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him,
takes the drink from the guy, and drinks the lot.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on
man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I
just can't stand to see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First,
I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss,
outraged, fired me. When I left the building to get my car I
found out it was stolen. The police said they could do
nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after the cab had
gone, I found that I'd left my wallet in it.
I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener,
so I came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about
putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."
 

(57)
Sign in a Laundromat
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:
PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY
PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,
BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.
(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
 

(58)
Does anyone know the answer to this riddle?

> > It's more powerful than God.
> > It's more evil than the Devil.
> > The poor have it.
> > The rich need it.
> > If you eat it you will die.
> >
> >
> > Believe it or not, 70% of elementary school children quizzed solved
> > the riddle, and only 17% of college age people figured it out.
> >
> > Good luck.

My guess is that the answer is "Nothing".
 

(59)
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's
politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this
way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me
Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the
money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here
to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes
sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby
brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He
finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So
the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his
mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes
to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics
now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own
words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is
screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound
asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is
in deep shit."
 

(60)
Two men get into a terrible car accident. Both cars are
totaled, but amazingly, neither man is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, one man says to the other
"There's nothing left of our cars, but at least we weren't
injured. This must be a sign from god that we were meant to
meet, be friends, and live together in peace the rest of our
lives."

The other man replies, "I totally agree with you. This must be
a sign from God."

"And look at this," continues the first man, "It's another
miracle. My car was completely destroyed but this bottle of
wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine to
celebrate our good fortune!"

He hands the bottle to the other man, who promptly takes a few
big gulps and hands the bottle back. The man takes the bottle
and immediately puts the cap back on.

The other man asks, "Aren't you going to have a drink?"

"No, I think I'll wait for the police to join us," the man
said.
 

(61)
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The
audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed
himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the
shows every week and began to understand what the magician did
in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting
in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers
under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of
Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the
captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of
course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a
word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up.
What'd you do with the boat?"
 

(62)
U N I V E R S I T Y D I P L O M A S

Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power,
and the admiration of all.

Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited
universities based on your present knowledge
and life experience.

No required tests, classes, books, or interviews.

Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD)
diplomas available in the field of your choice.
No one is turned down.

Confidentiality assured.

CALL NOW to receive your diploma
within days!!!

1 - 7 1 3 - 8 6 6 - 6 2 4 4

Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, including
Sundays and holidays.
 

(63)
REALLY, REALLY BAD HEADLINES
Double Meanings From Around The World
-------------------------------------
March Planned For Next August

Blind Bishop Appointed To See

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Latin Course To Be Canceled--No Interest Among Students, Et Al.

Diaper Market Bottoms Out

Croupiers On Strike--Management: "No Big Deal"

Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped

Henshaw Offers Rare Opportunity to Goose Hunters

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Fund Set Up for Beating Victim's Kin

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Cancer Society Honors Marlboro Man

Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy

Autos Killing 110 a Day--Let's Resolve to Do Better

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

War Dims Hope For Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half of U.S. High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years
 

(64)
It's all in the punctuation.

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous,
kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being
useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn
for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be
forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous,
kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being
useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn.
For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can
be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
 

(65)
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house
in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.
Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his
to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend
to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer,
agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising
early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion
went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went
around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous
quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him
and swallowed him whole.

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has
he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed
his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

"He's in 'that one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.

He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and
without batting an eye, levelled his gun, took careful aim, and shot
the female.

"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would you believe a lawyer who told
you that the Czech was in the male?"
 

(66)
REAL SCIENCE QUIZ ANSWERS
--------------------------
(Spelling not corrected)

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over
a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably
carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not
found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes,
and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first
inspiration, and then expectoration."
 

(67)
The CIA, the FBI, and the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD)
are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending
criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases
a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the
forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After
three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that
rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the
forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they
make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later dragging a badly beaten bear. The
bear is screaming, "Okay, okay! I'm a RABBIT!! I'm a RABBIT!!"
 

(68)
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar,
hoping for a bust.
At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his
potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could
barely walk. He stumbled
around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking
for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars,
he finally found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons
left. He turned his light on, then off, wipers on, then off.
He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.
Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled
out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights
and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer
test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed
the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man,
Tonight I am the designated decoy!!!
 

(69)
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked
up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how
you are my hero."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to
his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me
back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an
entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to
his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into
a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his
pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
 

(70)
>Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
>I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
>
>This widow had a grown-up daughter
>Who had hair of red.
>My father fell in love with her,
>And soon the two were wed.
>
>This made my dad my son-in-law
>And changed my very life.
>My step-daughter was my mother,
>For she was my father's wife.
>
>To complicate the matter worse,
>Although it brought me joy,
>I soon became the father
>Of a bouncing baby boy.
>
>My little baby then became
>A brother-in-law to dad.
>And so became my uncle.
>Though it made me very sad.
>
>For if he was my uncle,
>Then that also made him brother
>To the widow's grown-up daughter
>Who, of course, was my step-mother.
>
>Father's wife then had a son,
>Who kept them on the run.
>And he became my grandson,
>For he was my daughter's son.
>
>My wife is now my mother's mother
>And it makes me blue.
>Because, although she is my wife,
>She's my grandmother too.
>
>If my wife is my grandmother,
>Then I am her grandchild
>And every time I think of it,
>It simply drives me wild.
>
>For now I have become
>The strangest case you ever saw.
>As the husband of my grandmother,
>I am my own grandpa!
 

(71)
THINGS YOU'D NEVER KNOW IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE MOVIES:

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable,
even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to
cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by
one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous
expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the
age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two
before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz
saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least
20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club
at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of
a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one
bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control
tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while
scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your
mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to
any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not
necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange
noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be
wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended
from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will
be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music
in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.
 

(72)
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in
newspapers (probably American):

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 COCKER SPANIEL-1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
________________________

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD, UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG
_________________________

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB - $850/ offer
________________________

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
____________________________________________

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE....
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS
_________________________

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
______________________

FULL SIZED MATTRESS 30 YR WARRANTY
LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL
_________________________

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME
________________________

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG LOOKS LIKE A RAT.
BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD
_______________________

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT"
________________________

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
_________________________

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
__________________________

NICE PARACHUTE - NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
__________________________

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE
OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR
__________________________

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER AND DRYER $300
_______________________

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY
_________________________

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent
condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married
last weekend. Wife knows everything.
 

(73)
>TwoTasmanian mathematicians, Fred and Richard , were having dinner in
>a restaurant. They were arguing about the average level of mathematical
>knowledge of the Australian public. Richard claimed that this average
>was woefully inadequate while Fred maintained that it was surpassingly
>high.
>
>"I'll tell you what, "said Richard, "when I get back from the dunny
>we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it
>right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay?"
>
>They agreed, but once Richard had left Fred called the waitress over.
>
>"When my friend comes back, " he told her, " he's going to ask you a
>question; you should respond "one third x cubed" no matter what the
>question is; got that? There's twenty bucks in it for you." She happily
>agreed to the lurk.
>
>Richard returned from the toilet and called the waitress over. "The food
>was wonderful," he stated, "Incidentally, do you know what the integral
>of x squared is?"
>
>The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked
>around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, (Fred was starting
>to sweat) and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed?"
>
>Fred beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the bill and a
>clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "... plus a
>constant."
 

(74)
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take
turns recounting their adventures at sea.

Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman
asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the
cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were
pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit
me leg off."

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?"

"Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship,
pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the
fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye
patch?"

"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the
hook..."
 

(75)
The following small quiz consists of 4 questions, and
indicates whether you are qualified to be a professional.

According to a statistics of Andersen World-wide, around 90% of the
professionals failed the exam. Scroll down for the answer. The
questions are not that difficult.

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


The correct answer: Open the refrigerator, put the giraffe in and
close the door.

This question tests whether you are doing simple things in a
complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?



Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put the elephant in and close the
refrigerator.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put the
elephant in and close the door. This tests your prudence.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals
attend except one. Which animal does not attend?


Correct Answer: The Elephant. (The Elephant is in the refrigerator.)

This tests for comprehensive thinking.


4. There is a river, which is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage
to pass it?



Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the Crocodiles are
attending the Animal Meeting.
 

(76)
A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had
been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and
so every morning when the night shift workers passed through
his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to
make sure that nothing was being stolen.

Things were going along very well the first night on the job
until a man pushing a wheelbarrow full of newspapers came through
his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up
what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the
paper only to find nothing. Still he felt that the man was
acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.

"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I
go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have
thrown away." The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a
close eye on him. The next night it was the same, and the
night after that. Week after week it went on. The same guy
would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's
checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.

Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for
work only to find a message had been left for him telling him
to report to his supervisor. He walked into the supervisor's
office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're
fired!"

"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I
do?"

"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from
this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."

"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole
anything from this place while I was on guard."

"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for
the fact that there are 263 wheelbarrows missing?"
 

(77)
>Don't forget how magic works :-)
>Two men were on a train looking out of the window at a field of sheep.
>"Oh look!" says the first man, "The sheep have just been shorn"
>The second man looked out of the window and replied, "Well.....this side
of them has"

The version I heard was - it was in NSW and
First man said "Look, the sheep of NSW have all been shorn"
Second man (A mathematiciaan*) said "No - all you know is that in NSW there
is at least one sheep, and furthermore that that sheep has been shorn on at
least one side"
[Third man, a skeptic " "No - in NSW there _appears_ to be at least, etc"]
 

(78)
A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet

him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42
degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically

correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you
are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly

the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my
fault."
 

(79)
IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES
_____________________________________

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the
plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what
kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump
on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.
Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents
look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions
about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't
need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done
for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards,
easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After
about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning
whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes,
and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius
when it explodes.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to
start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters,
and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to
cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download
and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you
are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the
seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is
very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without
a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to
tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but
all they can say is, "You had to do WHAT??? with the seat?"
 

(80)
>: A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking
>for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers.
>Here are some of the submissions:

1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using
individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and
employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning
quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond, Washington.)

2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)

4. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should
be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

5. This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager,United Parcel
Service)

6. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one
will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it
for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when
it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M
Corp.)

7. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she
couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell
Computers)

8. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'
say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9. "How About Friday?" My sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would
have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could
change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Lone
Lines Division)
 

(81)
> > >> > THREE WISHES
> >> > Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her
> > >> > ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and
> > >> > found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me
> > >> > from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the
> > >> > frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that
> > >> > there was a condition to you wishes - that whatever you wish
> > >> > for, your husband will get 10 time more or better!" The woman
> > >> > said, "That would be okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be
> > >> > the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her,
> > >> > "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the
> > >> > most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will
> > >> > flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will
> > >> > be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
> > >> > So, POOF - she's the most beautiful woman in the world. For
> > >> > her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
> > >> > world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest
> > >> > man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The
> > >> > woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and
> > >> > what is his is mine." So, POOF - she's the richest woman in the
> > >> > world. The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she
> > >> > answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
 

(82)
> > A hip young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO, the best
> > > and most expensive car available in the world, costing about
> > > $500,000. He takes it out for a spin, and while stopping for a red
> > > light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls
> > > up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of
> > > the car and asks, "What kinda car ya got there, sonny?"
> > >
> > > The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a
> > > half million dollars!"
> > >
> > > "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it
> > > cost so much?"
> > >
> > > "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
> > > cool dude proudly.
> > >
> > > The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
> > >
> > > "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the
> > > window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man
> > > says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
> > >
> > > Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old
> > > man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the
> > > speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear
> > > view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see
> > > what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! Something
> > > whips by him, going much faster!
> > >
> > > "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young ma
> > > asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
> > >WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction!
> > > And it almost looked like the old man on the moped!
> > >
> > > "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!"
> > > Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! WHHHOOOOSH-KA-BOOOOM!!!
> > > He is jolted back as it plows into the back of his car, demolishing the
> > >rear end.
> > > The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped
> > >and
> > > the old man must be in bad shape. He runs over to the man and says,
> > > "You're badly hurt. Is there anything I can do for you.?"
> > >
> > > The old man weakly looks up and replies, "Yes there is, son.
> > > Could you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"
 

(83)
> >> SILLY BUT TRUE
> >>
> >> The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every
> >> letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/twx
> >> communications)
> >> A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
> >> The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is
> >>
> >> uncopyrightable.
> >> The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore
> >> when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the
> >> ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
> >> The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name
> >> of the Don McLean song.)
> >> Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from
> >> history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the
> >> Great; Hearts Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
> >>
> >> 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
> >> Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without
> >>
> >> killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "Get
> >> fired."
> >> The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
> >> stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
> >> thumb.
> >> The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five
> >> must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in
> >> times of war or other emergencies.
> >> The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the"General
> >>
> >> Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
> >> The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
> >> necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of
> >> Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities
> >> for blacks and whites.
> >> Cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
> >> Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
> >> In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
> >> Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
> >> already married.
> >> Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
> >> It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
> >> Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of
> >> vodka.
> >> On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
> >> In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's
> >> nuclear weapons combined.
> >> Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
> >> Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the
> >> Rolling Stones: 50.6.
> >> Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
> >> The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
 

(84)
THE 20 WORST THINGS TO SAY TO A COP
-----------------------------------
1. Hey, you must've been doing about 200 km/h to keep up with me!
Good job!
2. Sorry, officer. I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't
plugged in.
3. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition
to be a police officer.
4. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
5. Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my
driver's license?
6. You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish
high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No donut!
8. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no
other cars around, that's how far I am behind them!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Lets do it differently this time ... I will give you the
breathalyzer test. Now, stick this in your mouth and blow.
11. Hey, didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last
week on TV?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture next to my
girlfriend's bed.
13. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my
ticket.
14. So, uh, are you "on the take" or what?
15. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday
only gave me a warning too!
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us
does.
17. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you
play with your gun when you were little?
18. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44
magnum!
19. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty
for the video camcorder.
20. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too
dumb to work at McDonalds?