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Read a variety of (mock) interviews that CC has held with
some of your favorite celebrities! BTW - most of these are pulled
directly from CC back issues, so for you subcribers,
a lot of these are not new. Just, you know, FYI.
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
*The evil villain from the movie Spaceballs*
Crash Course: Welcome Mr. Dark Helmet. Do you mind if I call you Helmet or DH for the purpose of brevity?
Dark Helmet: No, not at all. Actually, I prefer the title Lord Chancellor Supreme Ruler Of All The Little Stupid Worthless People That Inhabit Planet Spaceball And All Of Its Territories. But you can call me Helmy.
CC: Ummm...ok. But isn't President Scroob the ruler of Planet Spaceball?
DH: Oh, yeah...I forgot about him. Well...I'm the captain of Spaceball One, which is the best ship in the universe!
CC: But didn't Spaceball One blow up at the end of Spaceballs?
DH: It blew up?! Oh, man! Why did you have to tell me?! I hadn't see the movie yet, but now you just gave away the ending! Geez!
CC: You mean that you hadn't seen the movie and you didn't know the ending, even though you were in the movie?
DH: Well...yes. You see, I'm a very busy man. I have all these Sci-Fi conventions that I have to make special appearances at. But anyway, let's get to the interview. What's your first question?
CC: I'm sorry, but that's all the questions we have for today. Thank you
Helmy for that simply smashing interview. And join us next week to see whom
we will interview. Goodbye from all of us at Four Question Celebrity
Interview.
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
*Baxter Stockman's twin brother*
Crash Course: Well, Barney, it's a pleasure to have you here with us today.
Barney: Yes, well, it's about time that someone recognized my fine talent and intelligence.
CC: Well, it would seem that you keep a rather low profile compared to your brother. I mean, it's a somewhat well-known fact that Baxter Stockman is a genius that has made many interesting contraptions for the Shredder...
B: ENOUGH!!! Ummm...(nervous chuckle) As you can see, that's a rather tender subject you're hitting on. Can we please keep the conversation centered around other things?
CC:...although, he's also known for being a total crackpot that has spent a lot of time in Funny Farms... I read something about that kind of thing being genetic. I wonder if it runs in your family...?
B: YES, well, you can't believe everything you read. Can we get on to the questions?
CC: Oh, yes...yes, of course, questions. Ummm...So, how IS your brother doing? He was a fly for a while there, I remember...that kind of thing can't be good for one's resume....
B: I distinctly remember mentioning that I didn't want to TALK about BAXTER ANYMORE!
CC: ...I can see it now: Special Qualifications: I can clean my tongue with my feet..no, that probably won't help score any points with an employer...
B: THAT'S IT! I'm leaving!
CC: ...On the other hand, I can't knock the guy for keeping up with his hygenal practices. Seriously, could YOU clean your TONGUE with your FEET?!
B: DID YOU HEAR ME?! I'M LEAVING! L-E-A-V-I-N-G!
CC:...Oh, what did you say, Baxter?
B: BARNEY! I'm BARNEY STOCKMAN! WHY IS THAT SO HARD FOR EVERYONE TO REMEMBER?!
CC: I think it's the hair.
B: And what's wrong with my hair?! (Lunges toward CC interviewer).
CC: AHHHH! Run away! Run away!
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
*Note from interviewer: Well, CC is finally getting a chance to interview the God of Rock and Roll, Ziggy Stardust. Of course, it is I, Laura, who must take on this prestigious task. Let's see just how long I can hold out and if I can keep my sanity here. Yeah, right.*
Crash Course: Well, Mr. Stardust, it really is an honor to be here with you today.
Ziggy Stardust: It's my pleasure, really.
CC: I have so many questions to ask you! First of all, where did you get the idea for your hair, makeup, and wardrobe?
ZS: Well, as you know, long hair was very popular in the seventies, so I decided that I had to break the monotony somehow. The makeup and clothes just came along with the hair. So, do you think that I succeeded in..uh... breaking the monotony? *Flashes dark smile my way...immediately I start to feel my cheeks burning up*
CC: *Chuckles nervously* Oh yeah, I'd definately have to agree there.
ZS: Really, I'm so glad. *Crosses his legs all too suggestively* What else would you like to know?
CC: *Blurts out* Are you single? *Realizes mistake* I mean, I mean...are you going to be RELEASING a new single any time soon?
ZS: Actually, I was planning on releasing a revised version of the Ziggy Stardust Album to go along with my stage play based on myself.
CC: *Nodding dreamily, smiling* Would you like to date?
ZS: Excuse me?
CC: *Snaps out of silly trance, then stammers* Uh...ummmmm...I mean, do you HAVE a date set for the release of that stage production and album? *nervous laugh*
ZS: Yes, actually my producers and I have set the release date for sometime in early 2002. *Runs hand swiftly through his hair* Hopefully I'll see you there?
CC: *Laura has somehow managed to tangle the pen that she was writing with into her hair. She has now inserted the part of the pen with the huge knot attached to it into her mouth while she gapes at Ziggy. Because there is a foreign object keeping her mouth from closing properly, drool is running down her chin. Laura giggles in glee*
ZS: I'll take that as a 'yes'. *Ziggy gives Laura a strange look* Did you have anything else to ask me?
CC:....Yes....*Laura, with a crazed look in her eye, raises a hand and extends that one, oh-so-meaningful finger* Does this...scare you? *Begins warping(*) out of control at Ziggy, approaching him at a deadly pace*
ZS: What are you doing? Stop that! That's silly!! Oh! Oh my! Oh.. Oh MY!!! Oh Yes! No! Yes! No! YES!!!!!!!!!
(You may want to read Yogurt's Interview now, since it starts off with a reference to this one.)
* Finger Warp: Click here for Diagram and Illustrations . Definition: to extend a finger (most often the index finger) in the
direction of someone, something...anything...as if to point at it. Then,
the finger, along with the hand is gracefully and flowingly moved in a
circular wavy motion at the subject. The faster it is, the more desperate
it is. No one really knows anything more about it but that.
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
YOGURT: (This interview begins with a reference to the Ziggy Stardust Interview, so you may want to read that one first if you haven't already)
Note: After what happened last week, I decided that I'd better keep away from anyone or anything that so much as reminds me of...ahem... you know who. Yogurt seemed like a good choice. Oh, and by the way, if you are wondering what happened to you know who after the incident with the ummm... Finger Warp, well, the doctors say he should be out of the hospital in a few days. His lawyer is currently discussing how to handle payment for damages with my lawyer. Now, on to the interview.
Crash Course: So, you're the keeper of the Schwartz? Wow! That really must be a fun job.
Yogurt: It is, it is. It was especially fun in school when I could levitate the cafeteria food into the faces of the big bullies in my classes.
CC: How's your merchandising coming along? Do you get a lot of business?
Yogurt: Are you kidding? We're a big corperation now. You can even buy our stuff on the World Wide Web, baby! Can I interest you in some Yogurt and Company Stock? It has real good potential!
CC: Ummm...no...that's ok, I think I'll pass...
Yogurt: You're missing out. So, what else do you want to ask me?
CC: Umm..what's the best part about controlling the Schwartz?
Yogurt: Never having to get up to get the remote control for the television set.
CC: Last Question: Do you have any profound advice to give to our loyal Crash Course readers?
Yogurt: Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!
CC: thank you very much, Yogurt.
Yogurt: Your welcome. And may the Schwartz be with you!!!
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
Crash Course: So, you're an eyeball plant, is that right?
Eyeball Plant: Oooooooooooooohhhh.....who's she?
CC: Who's who?
EP: Ooooooooooooooooooohhhh...who's she?
CC: Who's who?! There's no one else here!
EP: Ooooooooooooooooohhhh...who's she?
CC: AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!! Listen, you stupid @#%^& little @#$@%$ dork @#$#%$ moron @#$##$, you better say something other than "Oooohhh, who's she?" or I'm going to wring all of your skinny little necks! Now, my question is: What was it like working with David Bowie on Labyrinth?
EP: Oooooooohhhh....who's she?
CC: THAT'S IT!!! YOU'RE GONNA GET IT NOW!!! COME HERE YOU LITTLE PUNK!! STOP THAT, THAT HURTS!!!
*Technical difficulties, please stand by*
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
Crash Course: Well, Tim, it certainly is a priveledge to be here with you today. How have things been going for ya?
Tim Curry: Everything has been just divine. In fact, three months ago I got hired at a local establishment as a dancer. I think it was the legs, don't you?
CC: Um...yes, I suppose they helped. So you dance now? Wow! Would you say that your role in RHPS helped you obtain your job?
TC: Definately. Originally, they were looking only for dancers of the female variety, but when they saw me in full RHPS costume, they simply couldn't resist me.
CC: I see...so, any new movies in the making for you?
TC: Not at the moment, however, hopefully this interview will help spur some response as far as role offers. I am awaiting them with much antici...pation.
CC: Lastly, is there some deep reason that you are wearing that pink feather boa with your suit and tie?
TC: Not especially, but isn't it NICE?!
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
This was sent in by a Crash Course Subscriber:
Dear Crash Course Readers,
Let me introduce myself. I am long-range correspondent Becca. I have recently been on assignment on the Alien Home World interviewing Lad T. Puoos (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs) for Crash Course's "Four Question Celebrity Interview". During the interview I will further abbreviate his name by calling him L.P.
Crash Course Correspondent Becca: So, LP, how are you doing today? Popped out of anyone's stomach recently?
LP: *singing* Hello my baby, hello my darlin', hello my rag time gal...
CCCB: Okay, I'll take that as a 'yes'....Aren't you excited that Crash Course sent me, their top long-range correspondent, way out to this God Forsaken planet in the middle of the Nowhere Galaxy just to interview one stupid little alien...
LP: *singing* Honey you drive me wild...
CCCB: ....who won't stop singing that stupid song!...
LP: *still singing* Darlin' you're just my style...
CCCB: Would you stop it??! (CCCB picks up LP and starts swinging it by its tail, banging its head against a rock with every syllable) Just stop it! (Thwump) Stop it! (Thwump) Stop it!! (Thwump thwump)
LP: (Gets up and dances drunkenly out of sight, stars viciously circling its head, humming under its breath)
CCCB: Okay! I guess that's it for now! This is Crash Course Correspondent Becca signing off, and hoping next time I get a better assignment or I just might quit. AH! Whoa! BIG alien, VERY BIG alien! Help, help? Help! I didn't mean to hurt LP, just ask him, I was just fooling around! Ha ha...ha? Hey! What are you doing? You can't do that! I'm a journalist! I have - uh - uh - Journalistic Immunity, yeah! You can't! Help!!!
Dear Readers,
Please do not be concerned about Crash Course Correspondent Becca's fate.
She is not dead. The Aliens did not gruesomely kill her, nor implant her
with an alien that will pop out of her stomach. She was set adrift in space
with two years worth of supplies, her transmitter still works, and while
we can't find her, we are sill receiving steady dialogue from her. Perhaps
we will publish some of it occasionally when she stops cursing Crash Course
and its associates to all of the nine Circles of...hmmmm...Hades....
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
Crash Course: Should I call you Little, Nell, Little Nell, Ms. Nell...?
Little Nell: Well, you could call me anything, just don't call me late for dinner.
CC: ...Right. So, do you always sound this irritating or do you have some strange form of bronchitus?
LN: Actually, I have this strange allergy to...nose hairs....>AH-CHOO!<
CC: God bless you! Well, we're sorry to hear that. So if you are allergic to nose hairs, is there no relief for you, I mean, we all have them...?
LN: That is why I carry my trusty super-industrial strength nose hair trimmer with me at all times! (Loud whirring in background) Here, lean forward, I'm a fairly good aim with this thing...(pulls out huge scary electric gadget from purse)
CC: What, are you crazy?!
LN: Of course not! Now let me trim your nose hairs! (Gets up and starts chasing interviewer around the room)
...Well...That's all for this week's Four Question Interview...Tune in
next week for another exciting moment with your favorite stars...Ahh!! Geez,
lady! Watch it with that thing!!!
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
Crash Course: Susan, we're so glad that you could make it today.
Susan Sarandon: Well, I'm glad to be here.
CC: Ok, our first question is: Are you Susan Sarandon?
SS: Yes, of course I am.
CC: Are you absolutely sure?
SS: Yes, I'm absolutely sure.
CC: Are you absolutely-positively sure?
SS: Yes! Don't you believe it's really me?
CC: Are you absotively - posolutely sure?
SS: What do you think I am, an idiot?! Of course I'm absotively-posolutely- absolutely-positively-completely-without-a-doubt-undeniably Susan Sarandon!
CC: Well, that's all the questions we have today. Thank you Miss Sarandon
for that informative interview.
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
Crash Course: So, Jar Jar. I hope we are not troubling you for this interview.
Jar Jar Binks: Oh, no-sa. Mesa glad yousa are here.
CC: Well, um...first off, tell us about yourself. You are a Gungan?
JJB: Oh, yesa. Wesa Gungans. Wesa live in the sea, and usually wesa stay well hidden. Gungans noooo liken outsiders.
CC: Gee. Sounds fun. *clears throat* Doesn't that kind of life get rather boring...?
JJB: Oh, no no NO! Mesa liken the Gungan way of life. Mostly, mesa feed my pet Gooberfishies. Mesa liken them lots. Yousa ever seen a Gooberfish?
CC: Ummmmmm, it's a vaguely familiar topic. I believe it has been offered as a school cafeteria special once or twice....
JJB: AHHH! NO! Yousa can't eaten the Gooberfishies!
CC: Oh, don't worry. I think I skipped lunch that year. Anyway. So, if you aren't fond of outsiders, then what were you doing with Qui Gon Jin and Obi Wan?
JJB: Well, itsa like this. One day, mesa was justa wandering around, looking for some food, when mesa stumbled upon those guys. Mesa was quite surprised to find them in the woods near us Gungans. Mesa was just about to asken them just what the heck they were doing there, when suddenly, mesa heard this big noise behind. Mesa turned and saw this huge thingabob coming straight for me! Mesa panicked, but mesa was saved by them guys. After, mesa took them back to the City to see da Boss, who really wasn't to liken to see me...then before mesa knew what was happening, mesa was drug into some Bongo and was nearly swallowed by some humongo Gooberfish...Mesa thought mesa was a goner! Once we got out of the sesa, mesa was taken with them to many places, but now, mesa just want to go back and feed mesa's gooberfishies.
CC: Yes, I'm sure parting was such sweet sorrow. But before you go, I just want to ask you the question that everyone has been wondering - Why were you an outcast from the Gungan City?
JJB: Well, mesa don't liken to talk about it, but one day, mesa was supposed to help with preparing a banquet for da Boss. Mesa no cook! So, mesa was in charge of preparing the main course, Land Yarp Chowder, but mesa had no clue how to maken the Land Yarp Chowder! How was mesa to know that Land Yarps explode in water?! Huh?! HUH?!!! Mesa would thinked that chowder would have WATER in it! Mesa would thinked that water would be ok! SHEESH! Sooo, to make this batch of chowder mesa needed about...350 Land Yarps...and ummm....well, when mesa added the water, KA-BOOOM!!!! Mesa don't thinken da Boss was too happy about that. So mesa was kicked out. Mesa never want to see another Land Yarp again!
CC: You know, it's funny. I don't have the vaguest idea what a Land Yarp looks like, and even I don't want to ever see another Land Yarp again! Well, Jar Jar. Thank you for the great interview.
JJB: Yousa very welcome.
CC: Well, kids. I guess that's all for Four Question Celebrity Interview for this week. Today's lesson is: Never let a Land Yarp anywhere near water. No, really, I mean it. Take it from us. We're the experts!
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)
Crash Course: So, you guys really ARE turtles.
Michaelangelo: What were you expecting? Humans in suits?
Raphael: Yeah, I'm not a turtle, I just play one on TV. (all laugh)
CC: Hey, I didn't mean to mock turtles. It's just that I thought, well...Anyway, what brought you from movies to TV?
Donatello: We felt turtles were being shown in a bad light since we left. We don't just lie about on rocks all day like some of those nature programs suggest. We want to make a change in turtle awareness.
CC: I have a list of ninety-seven questions here, but being that this is 'Four Question Celebrity Interview' I had better at least TRY to keep it down, so let's switch gears and talk about the Next Mutation series. What was it like being in front of the cameras?
Mike: It's awesome. I can't walk into Donnie's mall (*) without a mob of autograph hounds!
CC: Is the series more challenging for you than the movies? And if so, in what ways?
Donnie: We are teenagers now and must deal with all that teenager stuff. We still live in a sewer, which is a far cry from the penthouse that I actually live in! I felt, personally, that this series has really forced me to stretch as an actor and work hard to capture all the nuance and subtext required of my part, which was really tough, what with managing TurtleCo and all (*).
Raph: Yeah, Don is going to be on Circus of the Stars before an of us!
CC: What about the 'new' female character? How does she fit in?
Leonardo: Venus plays a Shinobi mystic who got separated in the ooze from the rest of us long ago. She has been raised and trained in China. She adds a new "mystical" interpretation to the show. To put it in a nutshell, this series is sort of your typical action-adventure Zen shadow play, yet moralistic parable tale, with a dash of boys-meet-turtle....but without all the yucky stuff.
Mikey: What I think he is trying to say it it's funny, exciting and entertaining.
CC: I see. Now, Venus, how did you get cast in the part of the only female Ninja?
Venus: I was doing a car wax commercial when I was spotted by the show's producers and asked to read for the part.
CC: Have you studied acting a lot?
Venus: Yes, I got my training at the Galapogos Rep Theatre.
CC: Rep is for Repertory?
Venus: No, reptile, silly!
CC: Sorry, i just thought...So how do you like the name Venus de Milo?
Mikey: At first she was pretty broken up about it! (laughs)
Venus: No, I think it represents Strength and Beauty.
(*CC: I guess she never looked in a mirror....and need I remind you what Venus rhymes with?*)
Venus: At least I'm not a chiseler like Michaelangelo...
Mikey:Hey!
Leo: Now, now. We are a team of skilled ninjas; let's be civilized.
Raph: Civilized is for humans! I prefer unpredictable and unruly myself.
CC: So, any new movies on offer for you turtles?
Leo: Well, we can't say much, but we're looking at "Drainspotting", "Sewer Or You'll Be Sorry" and a reworking of "The Tortoise and the Hare".
CC: Now, a controversial question: Don, any comments on the accusations that pin you to the vicious tatooing of rock singer David Bowie? (*)
Donnie: Oh you mean the, uh...'I'm With Stupid' and the arrow...thing...on his chest...uh...No! No, of course not, I don't know what you're talking about....*nervous laughter*
CC: Well. Now that that's settled. Oh, BTW I really like your nose ring (*), it's ummm...interesting...especially considering you don't have a nose...
Don: Oh, this! Heh heh...ummm....yeah, you could say it was a spur of the moment thing...anyway. Let's change the subject, shall we? *smiles innocently*
CC:....Certainly. Then I just have one last thing to ask you guys...The one thing we at CC have been wondering for a very, VERY long time....HOW DO TURTLES PROCREATE?!(*)
Leo: Well...ummmm....It's like this....
*Aw shucks, our time's up. That's all for today folks! Be sure to tune in with Four Question Celebrity Interview next week!*
Editor's Note: The majority of this interview was coined from an issue of Totally Fox Kids Magazine. And I'm sure it's darn obvious which parts weren't. In case anyone cares.
(*)Don't ask. Well ok if you really, REALLY want to know, email me and I'll tell you the WHOLE LOOONNNNG STORY!
Top Dark Helmet Barney Stockman Ziggy Stardust Yogurt The Eyeball Plant Tim Curry Little Nell Susan Sarandon
LAD T. PUOOS (Little Alien Dude That Pops Up Out Of Stomachs)