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A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a trial. It went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the defendant running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided that description?
A: Officer Johnson, who responded at the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this alleged defendant. Tell me, sir, do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes, sir, with my life.
Q: With your life? YOUR LIFE? Well, then officer, now I'm curious, do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, in fact, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do indeed.
Q: Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same 'trusted' officers?
A: Well, you see sir, we share the building with the municipal court complex, and often defense attourneys have been known to walk through that very room.

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Note: If you are offended by quadra-pelagic jokes, then read no further.
What do you call a quadra-pelagic in the ocean?
-Bob
What do you call a quadra-pelagic in front of a door?
-Matt
What do you call a quadra-pelagic on a BBQ grill?
-Patty
What do you call a quadra-pelagic on the beach?
-Sandy
What do you call a quadra-pelagic on the wall?
-Art
What do you call arms and legs on the wall?
-Pieces of Art

~

A man stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting on the finishing touches on the bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.
"I'm sorry," The clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."
The desperate customer turned to the other man and begged, "May I please have those roses?"
"What happened?" The first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"
"It's even worse than that," The second man confided. " I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

~

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.
Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a ballon."
Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a moment, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-Oh...I know what you've been doing!"

~

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says,
"OK jerk, I've heard just about enough of your belittling blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person....because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large...all in the name of humor!"
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little jerk sitting on your knee!"

~

One night this blonde calls up her boyfriend. "Honey, I need your help. I am trying to do this puzzle and I just can't get any of the pieces to fit. Not even one. "
So the boyfriend asks, "What's the puzzle of, dear?"
"Well, the picture on the box is a rooster."
So the boyfriend agrees to come over and help her.
So he gets to her house, and goes inside, and he looks at the table and says, "HONEY FOR THE LAST TIME, PLEASE PUT THE CORNFLAKES BACK IN THE BOX!"