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No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn:
-The dove dove into the bushes.
-We polish the Polish furniture.
-He could lead if he would get the lead out.
-A farm can produce produce.
-The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
-The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
-The present is a good time to present the present.
-At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
-I did not object to the object.
-The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
-The bandage was wound around the wound.
-There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
-They were too close to the door to close it.
-They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
-To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
-The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
-I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
-I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
-How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
-I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

~

Useless Fact #523,698: Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

~

Demented Question #342: If a banana offered you an orange, would you still darn your socks on Black Tuesday?

Demented Question #972: How many grooves are on each side of a standard 13 1/3 record album that has 6 songs on each side? Answer: One, DUH!

Demented Question #1072: If you were a weasal, would you fall in love with a toupe?

TIME IN SECONDS	PIT STOP	BRUSHING TEETH
:01	Jack up car on one side	Open medicine cabinet
:02	Insert fuel nozzle.	Grab toothpaste tube.
:03	Unbolt lug nuts from wheels.	Begin to open the tube.
:04	Pull old wheels from car.	Place cap on sink.
:05	Wash windshield.	Grab toothbrush.
:06	Put new wheels on car.	Squeeze paste onto toothbrush.
:07	Tighten lug nuts.	Screw cap back on tube.
:08	Lower car & jack up other side.	Put tube onto sink.
:09	Loosen lug nuts.	Turn on water.
:10	Remove old wheels.	Wet toothbrush under faucet.
:11	Remove fuel nozzle.	Insert toothbrush into nozzle.
:12	Replace with new wheels.	Scrape yellow grime from front teeth.
:13	Tighted lug nuts - jump back!	Dig old broccoli from back teeth.
:14	...	Keep brushing -
:20	...	They're the only teeth you got. Spit. Stop. (Get it?)

In Case Of An Emergency:

1 c. cake flour = 1 c. minus 2 Tbsp. all-purpose flour

1 Tbsp. cornstarch = 2 Tbsp. all-purpose flour

1 tsp. baking powder = 1/2 tsp. cream of tartar plus 1/4 tsp. baking soda.

1 package active dry yeast = ` cake compressed yeast or 2 1/4 tsp. yeast

1 c. sugar = 1 c. packed brown sugar or 2 c. powdered sugar

1 c. honey = 1 1/4 c. sugar plus 1/4 c. liquid

1 c. corn syrup = 1 c. sugar plus 1/4 c. liquid

1 c. buttermilk = 1 cup plain yougurt, or 1 Tbsp. lemon juice or vinegar plus enough whole milk to make 1 cup (let stand 5 minutes before using), or 1 c. whole milk plus 1 3/4 tsp. cream of tartar

1 c. light cream = 1 Tbsp. melted butter plus enough milk to make 1 c.

How To Survive A Trip To Mexico

Moctezuma's Medical Emergency

No matter how careful you are, you will probably get sick during your visit. When the agony overtakes you, there are two things to remember: 1.) Nobody lives forever; 2.) Local doctors will do everything in their power to make your last hours on earth as painful and unpleasant as possible.

1. I ate/drank something in your country.
---Comi/bebi algo en su pais.
---Coh-MEE/ bay-BEE ALH-goh en soo pah-EES.
2. Please call a priest/travel agent.
---Por favor llame a un cura/agente de viajes.
---Pohr fah-VOAR YAH-may ah oon COO-rah/ah-HEN-tay day vee-AH-hays.
3. I would like to make a will/receive last rites.
---Me gustaria hacer un testamento/recibir extremauncion.
---May goos-tah-REE-ah ah-SER oon tes-tah-MEN-toh/reh-see-BEER ehs-tray-mah-oon-see-OHN.
4. Please send my body home on the next flight.
---Por favor, manden mi cadaver a casa en el proximo vuelo.
---Pohr fah-VOAR, MAN-den mee kah-DAH-ver ah CAH-sah en el PROHK-see-moh VWAY-loh.

Eat and Run

One of the pleasures of Latino life is snacking at a street vendor's stand. If the meat you order is boiling in oil, many of the bacteria and parasites will be dead by the time they hit your plate. If you avoid garnishes, you may survive the meal.

1. Good day, sir. What is that?
---Buen dia senor. ?Que es eso?
---Bwain DEE-ah seen-yohr. Kay ehs EH-soh?
2. I can see it is meat.
---Veo que es carne.
---VAY-oh kay ehs CAR-nay.
3. But what species?
---?Pero de que tipo?
---PAIR-oh day kay TEE-poh?
4. I can't find that in my dictionary.
---No encuentro eso en mi diccionario.
---No en-KWEN-troh EH-soh en mee deek-see-oh-NAH-ree-oh.
5. Give me one anyway.
---Deme uno de todos modos.
---DAY-may OO-noh day TOE-dohs MOE-dohs.
6. No lettuce, for God's sake!
---!Por Dios! !Sin lechuga!
---Pohr DEE-ohs! Seen lay-CHOO-gah!
7. Can't you see I'm a gringo?
---?Que no ve que soy gringo?
---Kay no way kay soy GREEN-go?

Classic Newspaper Headlines:

1. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There A Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Center
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

For your convenience: all of Quayle's messups in one place!

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit . . . Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
"The future will be better tomorrow."
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

What Hallmark doesn't print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy

5. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me.

6. You totaled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

7. Looking back over the years that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder:
What the f*** was I thinking?

8. Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad everybody hates your wife.

9. How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

10. I've always wanted to have someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you, I've changed my mind.

11. I must admit, you brought Religion in my life.
I never believed in Hell til I met you.

12. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not here to ruin it for me.

13. Thanks for being a part of my life!!!
I never knew what evil was before this!

14. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,
would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

15. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
Almost Lifelike!

16. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

17. We have been friends for a very long time,
what say we call it quits.

18 I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.

19. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father is?

20. We're such good friends that if we were sinking on a ship, and there was only one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

21. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday - so we're having you put to sleep.

22. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Kentucky)

More headlines that just don't read right...

Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
House Passes Gas Tax on to Senate
Stiff Opposition Expected to Casketless Funeral Plan
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
William Kelly was Fed Secretary
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
Quarter of a Million Chinese Live on Water
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

And some that have become unintentionally suggestive...

Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over
NJ Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
Child's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Dr. Ruth to Talk About Sex with Newspaper Editors
Organ Festival Ends in Smashing Climax

Telegraphic grammar often botches other headlines...

Eye Drops Off Shelf
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Lawmen from Mexico Barbecue Guests
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite to the one intended...

Never Withhold Herpes from Loved One
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy
Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to Do Better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious...

If Strike isn't Settled Quickly it may Last a While
War Dims Hope for Peace
Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Child's Death Ruins Couple's Holiday
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad she Hasn't Seen in years
Man is Fatally Slain
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Death Causes Loneliness, Feeling of Isolation

And sometimes the less obvious...

The Jakarta Post came up with "The Chicken Has Been Fried" referring to a sarcastic gift of a chicken from some demonstrating students to an extremely corrupt minister. Amazingly it was brought up in the Indonesian parliament.

Things Teachers Would Love To Write On A Student's Report Card...But Can't

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. This student has delusions of adequacy.
4. This student is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. This student sets low standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. Student has been working with glue too much.
8. When the student's IQ reaches 50, he/she should sell
9. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's hard to believe the sperm that created this student beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is dead.
13. Your child is not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
14. If your child had two brain cells, they'd kill each other >>

What Is Your New Name?

Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day. Here is your dose.... Follow the instructions to find your funny name. The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dave Pilkey: The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your NEW first name:

a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = gidget
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = dorkey
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your NEW last name:

a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your NEW last name:

a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = buscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice
For example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts. Go figure.

101 Things To Do With Duct Tape (In Progress)

If you have any ideas to add to this list, please contact the CC Pres at the_cc_pres@hotmail.com, writing "Duct Tape" in the subject line!

1. Cover the flashing 12:00 on your VCR.
2. Use it as floss.
3. Use it as streamers during Halloween.
4. Use it to write your name on the wall.
5. Invent an incredibly tight outfit.
6. Use it as a book cover.
7. Tape one end to your tooth and the other end to the door knob. Close the door.
8. Tape one end to your tooth and the other end to a car bumper, then have someone drive to Phoenix.
9. Go around the world and outline different countries with it.
10. Paste it to the wall, sticky side out, and take a flying leap toward it. (Warning: You may need some help getting down.)
11. Make yourself into a mummy.
12. Make yourself a cocoon and hang from the ceiling. (Warning: Be sure to bring extra oxygen.)
13. Tape an annoying person's picture next to the word "idiot" in the dictionary.
14. Tape an annoying person's mouth shut.
15. Use it to tape the box that you're sending the annoying person to Tahiti in closed (after thoroughly taping their mouth shut.)
16. Forget painting your house. Duct tape lasts a lot longer and comes in a fashionable black.
17. Tape all the teacher resource books together so you can never have tests or homework again!
18. Invent a trick Chinese finger puzzle game.
19. Tape your ears to your nose.
20. Tape your ears to your foot. (You may want to have already dialed 911)
21. Tape a dweeb to the ground and call him to the phone (even better than tying their shoe laces together!)
22. Put some on your hands and knees and go climbing on the wall.
23. Invent a really cool ride - a giant slingshot with a car stuck completely to duct tape. Whee!
24. Tape one end to your back and another to the ceiling, then jump off the ladder and go flying.
25. Use it to construct a cardboard empire.
26. Tape all the trees in a forest together.
27. Plaster all your belongings to the floor and to each other. That way nothing will break in an earthquake.
28. Tape all your belongings to the ceiling. Pretend that you are now walking on the ceiling.
29. Kiss it for silver lipstick.
30. Use it to board up your broken windows.
31. A permanent bra.
32. Fashionable socks.
33. A cheap dog collar.
34. Inexpensive belt.
35. A lovely dog toy.
36. Shoe laces - never tie your shoes again!
37. Comfortable boot soles.
38. Easy way to patch up clothing.
39. Twirl it to make a quick jumprope.
40. A silver whip, yeehaw.
41. Patch up your backpack - even replace the straps.
42. A permanent ponytail holder.
43. Semi-reliable seatbelts for your $150.00 semi-reliable car.
44. Tape your keys to your wrist.
45. Tape yourself into your bed to prevent sleep-walking.
46. New method for shaving legs.
47. Cheap cast.
48. Instant facelift - Get rid of wrinkles - tape around forehead.
49. Permanent chastity belt.
50. Tape homework to your folder so you can't lose it..unless you lose your folder...
51. New kind of shelving paper, dark and dreary, great for a poet.
52. Tape fork to hand - can't drop it.
53. Tape lips in bow overnight - get a cupid's bow after a few weeks! Well at least get rid of unwanted facial hair..
54. Tape the arms of a jacket together like a straight jacket.
55. Make a trick yo yo out of it.
56. Leave a taped Z on everything for a cheesy Zorro spoof.
57. Outline the shape of a body on the cement outside of your house.
More to come. Thanks to Marlyse for her contributions on this list!