Pig-Kissers Go West
In the finest traditions of gutter-journalism the LBN editorial staff have
whole-heartedly endorsed the Dublin-First political platform. The essence
of the Dublin first movement is that Cork, Galway and Limerick are essentially
kips and that the government of the day ought to act accordingly.
Primary research conducted by the LBN has brought some staggering facts
to light. We asked a representative sample of country people* a series
of one question pertaining to matters economic, political, cultural. We
then asked a Dubliner to rate these answers in any form he liked. The results
speak for themselves ;
1) 80% of Kerry people have has intercourse with an animal
2) in half of those cases the animal had been left in their care, in the bar.
3) Most Clare people cannot distinguish between legal tender and butter vouchers.
4) Unlicensed pig-kissing rings still provide the great majority of public
entertainments in Sligo, more than a century after they promised the
English that they'd stop.
5) Nearly all Offaly-based adults, aged 28-39 are still suprised by electric
lighting and the indoors.
6) The elected Lord Mayor of Ennis is an half-empty mineral water bottle
(1.5 lt)
7) Irish Dancing
Feature continues......
Notes :
* the LBN surveyed a total of eight** people in various staged of disfigurement.
It is assumed that they are from the country.
**Five people in total, one person was asked three times in different clothing
and under varying light conditions.
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