Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm Van Fanel, and this is Gawl Kudo.
We'd like to welcome you to our first one-act play in the series we call...
"The Same, Yet Different."
We got the idea from Sesame Street.
Tonight's feature is entitled "Saitos at the Bus Stop."
Don't you mean "Saito at the bus stop?"
No, because there are two Saitos, remember?
Oh, right. Here we go!
CURTAIN
{rise rise rise}
...
{puff puff}
Did you know that smoking is bad for your health?
Did you know that irking Meiji swordsmen is bad for yours?
Mmm, you sound like you really know how to use that weapon.
I perceive your innuendo, and want nothing to do with it. Fear my disdain.
I like a man who's confident.
I like a woman who shuts up and lets me wait for the bus in peace.
My name's Saito. Ryuko Saito.
That's nice. {puff puff}
And I read in the program that your name is Hajime Saito?
{puff puff}
Ooh, the strong, silent type. I like that.
{puff puff puff}
{googly eyes}
{glare} {puff puff}
You can't ignore me forever, you know. We have the same name, so you might say that we're...connected.
{Puff.} {Puff.} {Puff.}
And you must know that I'm just dying to make connections of a different sort.
{Puffpuffpuff} Stop trying to undo my hakama! It took me nearly half an hour to tie it!
Playing hard to get, are we?
The Wolf of Mibu does not play.
A wolf, indeed? Wolves traditionally hunt foxes, you know. I might just have to run away from you.
I wish you would.
I'm so frightened! There's a dangerous man next to me! He wants to hunt me and catch me and devour me, I just know it!
There's a police station a few blocks down the street if you want to file a complaint.
But I don't want to go alone! Don't you want to go with me and keep me company? And comfort me?
Not particularly.
Oh, you're such a tease. I'm tempted to strip you now and have my way with you right here on the bench!
I might take you seriously if you were half as scary as my wife.
You know what? I'm not going to be rejected by a man, even as part of a play.
Psst...what are you doing!?
I'm just going to go backstage...
Gyaaah!
...and grab me a boy...
Hey, put me down! What are you doing?
This isn't in the script!
...and bring him back out to the bench to keep me company.
Yeek! Help! Statutory sexual assault!
What do you think of this, Hajime?
Yeaaarg, not there! Help, help!
Looks consensual to me.
Hajime, you have to help me save Gawl!
Why? She's merely taking revenge for the quality of the script that was forced on her.
Come on, our writing wasn't that bad, was it?
Do you want to know what I think of your writing?
I'm starting to think I don't.
{shiiiiiing} Aku Soku Zan.
Oh cripes.
And how do you like this? {riiip}
Yikes, my pants! Drop the curtain! Drop the curtain!
CURTAIN
{drop}
{clap clap clap} Bravo!
{clap clap clap} A masterpiece!
{clap clap clap} One of the finest works of literature ever made!
Five stars!
Two thumbs way up!
Quick, bring us more roses to throw!
I'm working on it, dammit!
Encore!
CURTAIN
{rise rise rise}
Give me back my pants, you old hag!
That's right, cower behind the bench, little generator-boy. How does it feel to be naked in front of a hostile audience who'll laugh at your performance?
You know, Ryuko, I think you'd be perfect for a {cough} friend of mine. His name is Sanosuke.
Thank you, kind audience, for HELPing us with your energy and spirit. We look forward to HELPing you enjoy your evenings in the future, with a little HELP from our colleagues. HELP us HELP you...or, in short, HELP!
You're fortunate, boy. Not every writer gets to taste my Gatotsu.
I'd rather taste a hamburger, thanks!
CURTAIN
{fall}
Um, do you think we should help Gawl and Van?
{shuffle shuffle}
Um, eventually.
How about after dinner?
Great, let's go to my place! Great-grandma makes a wonderful seven-week stew.
Don't worry, cliffhangers make for good dramatic tension.
I suppose you're right.
Will Gawl and Van survive their thrashing? Stay tuned for more fillers, and eventually part 3 of the Bishoujo Bride. Please look forward to it!
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