The Passion of the Christopher

Paedophile: The Musical
Article 11: November 24, 2006

Remember the time when we could actually watch the news or read a paper without having to hear in graphic detail about what some demented paedophile had done yesterday with one of his balls on a school playground? Think back. You must remember it. It wasn't that long ago actually. It was only a few years ago when it seems a new breed of child molester had emerged, a new breed so dangerous, so vicious, so fucking abominable, that every news organisation on the planet had to start reporting it for the good of all humanity! The reporting of the paedophile crisis was sensitive, mature and insightful, it asked probing questions about why a child molester has this unusual sexual desire, and it offered up valuable suggestions about therapy and rehabilitation...

Only joking! The media recognised a good knee-jerk issue when they saw one, and promptly whipped the general public up into a frothing-at-the-mouth hysteria, the kind of which is only seen at the taping of an episode of the Jerry Springer show! Vigilante mobs were put to work straight away by most of the Murdoch press in the UK. These vigilante mobs were so acute, so perceptive, so unstoppably brilliant that they attacked a fucking pediatrician in the summer of 2000!

You see, the leader of the mob, a legend in his own lunch-time, probably picked up a copy of the Yellow pages to see if any pedophiles perhaps advertised their debauchery, and lo-and-behold, they did! Of course, said genius had no idea that a fucking pedophile and a fucking pediatrician were two separate things entirely, but let's not split hairs during finite moments where split-second decisions have to be made whilst carrying a meat-cleaver and a vice!

The media was beside itself with orgasmic joy over this hysteria they created. Why hadn't they thought of this before! The more paedophiles the better as far as they were concerned! Putting a paedophile on the front page was the equivalent to Pamela Anderson gracing the cover of Playboy. Publish their pictures, publish their addresses, and then when an attempt is made on their life by a faithful reader, publish that fucking story too! Everybody hates a paedo! You can't lose! Unfortunately, the irony is not noted by most of humanity that the sections of media doing this reporting were the first to celebrate Britney Spears in a school uniform, Tatu: the schoolgirl lesbians, and the most obvious irony of all: The Sun tabloid in the UK has a naked teenager on Page 3 of every daily edition!

So, now that we've looked at this very troubling problem of paedophilia, you are probably wondering how best to deal with this problem in our society. Well, be thankful we have the tabloids to set us straight. Yes, British and American tabloid newspapers will give us all some helpful advice on how best we could go about solving this dilemma once and for all. I have made a note of this advice, and am willing to offer it to you in a handy cut-out-and-keep format!

Voila! You are now an official expert on the paedophile crisis! If perhaps you are in immediate need of a paedophile to test out this new-found knowledge I have just dispensed to you, you might consider buying one...

To conclude, if you ever find yourself in a children's playground watching a strange-looking middle-aged man in an overcoat with his hands down his pants, ask yourself: what the fuck are you doing in a children's playground, you sick pervert fuck!