Blow Patrol
If there's one thing I hate more than having my nuts stapled to the wheel of a moving car, it's listening to the latest effort from Snow Patrol. What's that, you say - I can ignore Snow Patrol if I detest them with such ferocity? Well, that's a fair point if you don't live in a country where Snow Patrol is played on the radio, promoted on television, and covered in every major fucking music magazine every 3.2 minutes. What I find strange is why a bunch of student-looking fuck-knobs who aspire to be more like Coldplay can be hailed and celebrated like they've just single-handedly obliterated all nuclear arms.
Article 13: March 16, 2007
To understand why I hate Snow Patrol as much as I do one only has to listen to one of their overly-earnest shit-fests. Let's take one of these overly-earnest shit-fests for example, Cashing Cars, a "song" so bland scientists are currently working on how to convert the audio into wallpaper. Here's a choice excerpt: "Those three words are said too much. They're not enough." Yowzers! The human mind can't possibly digest such lyrical profoundity! Could "those three words" be "I love you"? This would be simply mind-blowingly brilliant if it wasn't simply mind-blowingly banal. Never a band to out-do itself in blandness, they even throw in the odd cliche! Believe it or not, they actually wrote a song called "Never Gonna Fall In Love Again" which would be genre-defining and mould-breakingly brilliant had this song not been written several hundred fucking times before (and sung by Diana Ross). These whiney bastards also wrote a song called "Chocolate". I bet you it's not about chocolate at all! How artfully abstract! That piece of shit contains this dirge: "You're the only thing that I love. It scares me more every day..." If only they awarded a Nobel Prize for lyrical originality!
The annoying lead-singer is pictured above. Even his name irritates me. Gary Lightbody. Just fuck off. Despite being 30 he still looks like a student. He is also credited with writing songs for the band. Well, when I say "writing" what I really mean is "bowel movement". The lyrical craftmanship demonstrated by this cunt doesn't extend passed the lyrical craftmanship of the Backstreet Boys. You see, nearly all of their torturous "musical" exercises are no more than trite love songs. Take these examples: "I would never mean to hurt you 'cause I love you so much," from One Night is Not Enough. "If I'd found the right words to say, I'll be there by your side for the rest of your life," from If I'd Found the Right Words to Say. "I should have stopped you from walking out the door," from You Could Be Happy. "Just say you love me now," from Grazed Knees. And so on ad nauseum.
It should be obvious now why these cock-smoking fudge-packers are so popular: they write inoffensive, radio-friendly songs about love by the fucking shit-load. The fact that they are faux-sincere, whining, self-concious, droning, and indistinct is conveniently excused. So, everytime in the future you hear them on the radio, or in the supermarket, or see their smug little faces leering at you from the cover of NME next to the headline "Snow Patrol Are Brilliant!" I want you to stick your finger down your throat and vomit up that Big Mac.
People may eventually get the point.
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