The Passion of the Christopher

Team Do-Gooder
Article 2: November 1, 2006

Bono, twat.

To this new generation of bleeding heart popstars: if you are half as concerned about poverty as you claim to be, donate YOUR money to the cause instead of taking OURS. After all, YOU can afford it. Sell your castle and live in a grotty flat, then donate all that money you save to those good causes and let us off the hook. It doesn't even have to be a grotty flat, just something fairly normal like the ones the commoners live in.

Did you know that Bono lives in Dublin in a place called Millionaire’s Row? Surely a man as concerned as he is about the plight of African children living in abject poverty would be disgusted with himself for living in a place called Millionaire's Row? Forbes estimates that U2 made $110 million in 2005 alone. How about just donating half of that to Africa and leaving us the fuck alone.

And how about this for priceless: when Ireland recently scrapped a tax break that benefited musicians, the U2 boys quickly moved their music publishing company to the Netherlands in a rather crafty tax-dodging exercise. Greedy fuckers.

Chris Martin, twat.

Chris Martin is another one. When he's not writing overly-earnest pop songs and scribbling messages on his hand, he's driving about in his bright blue SUV. A so-called environmentally-friendly bleeding-heart popstar driving about in the city of London in an SUV is one notch below child molestation for a variety of reasons obvious to any sentient being. He openly admitted he wants his band to be as big as U2, which obviously means trying to get his unshaven mug in every single photo-op at every single charity event. And Coldplay sucks. Their breakthrough hit was named after the colour of urine. Apt. However, one does have to give him credit for the charity work he does for the hungry; fucking Gwyneth Paltrow is a lovely gesture indeed.

Bob Geldof, a bit of a twat too.

Bob Geldof should know better. You can organise a hundred charity concerts and it won't make a bit of difference for one simple reason: the majority of humanity are actually quite decent, generous people, but unfortunately the majority of humanity have no power, the minority do, and while people like Bush and Blair prance about the world stage pretending to care about third-world debt, it's really not advantageous to them to completely obliterate it, so they won't. I mean, excuse me, Mr. Bush and Mr. Blair: how about not spending all that fucking cash fighting some needless fucking war in "eye-rack" when that money could be spent salvaging Africa from the brink of disaster? You see, kids, when Team Do-Gooder brown-nose "people" like Mr. Smirk (Bush) and Mr. Grin (Blair) they have immediately shot themselves in the foot. You destroy your credibility when you start hanging around with psychopathic war criminals, while proving to the world how absolutely gullible you are by thinking world leaders give two fucks about starving Africans.

So, what did Live8 achieve? Fucked if I know. However it did succeed in making a couple of hundred pop-stars look very smug indeed. And it gave Chris Martin another excuse to write on his hand. What an utter douche-bag!

And Bono, take those fucking sunglasses off, you twat.