The Passion of the Christopher

MySpace Sucks Big Fat Donkey-Dicks
Article 3: November 1, 2006

Here is what is wrong with MySpace:

As you can clearly see, without me having to point this out to you: THERE'S TOO MUCH FUCKING SHIT ON THE PAGE! Too much writing, text rendered unreadable against a shitty background image. Pictures fly out at you like balls at a hooker's nose. Sound files start up automatically, a thousand and one video files beg you to play them, if they don't start up automatically themselves. Then there's this shit to contend with:

Like, wow. If "Brandyn" had that many friends in actuality, he would be out spending time with those friends and not wasting away on the internet with the rest of the social retards and pedophiles. Makes sense, non?

This is unapologetic self-flagellation taken to the nth degree, and then when all the self-flagellation has been exhausted, somebody broaches the subject of a circle jerk. It's a wilderness of extras from the cast of The OC sucking their cheeks in and "thanking" you for the "add". Look! At all the friends he/she has! Look! At all the witty comments left by those friends! The actual comments in question sound like the badly-written, poorly-spelt diary entries of a self-important 19 year old poser who has a boyfriend called "Brad", and who will invariably "see you there this weekend xxx".

Fuck off and die.

It's even cooler if you can get a couple of celebrities on your Friends List. Not that these celebrities would even know who the fuck you are considering they mass-approve all friend requests in a bid for more exposure.

What's even worse is that MySpace is doing its utmost to ensure it spills over from internet sad-dom and into actual day-to-day reality. "Have you got a MySpace?" your co-worker might ask you. To which you should give no response, unless of course trying to jam a pen into an available orifice can be classified as a response.

Stay away from MySpace. You'll meet people like this: