The Passion of the Christopher

Would Ben Stiller Kindly Stop Making Movies?
Article 6: November 1, 2006

You probably weren't aware of this, but currently there is a team of scientists at Harvard University working in shifts to try and come up with an equation to deduct how the fuck Ben Stiller finds the time to make more movies a year than every living film actor combined. After 10 years of extensive research, they are still stumped, and last week one broke their silence and self-imposed secrecy to give an impromptu press conferance:

"Fuck this shit," he declared.

His comments pretty much sum up what the world now thinks of Ben Stiller. Well, when I say "world" what I mean is "me". In the space of ten short years the one they call "Ben" has went from minor star to appearing in 13,1928,1828 movies per year, not to mention the countless TV appearances he makes "lampooning" himself. This Ben Stiller overdose wouldn't be so bad were it not for this simple fact: he always plays the same fucking character! What an utter twat.

Picture the scene: you've been dragged to the movies by a friend (if you have any) who finds Ben Stiller "absolutely hilarious". You attend said screening with teeth clenched. You're sitting in the cinema theatre, the lights dim, and what comes on but a fucking trailer for another fucking Ben Stiller movie. Not only have you just been persuaded to part with hard-earned money to see the latest Ben Stiller shit-fest but here you are now being persuaded again to see the next Ben Stiller shit-fest. There is no end to the insanity.

The good thing about all of this is that the awards people don't see it fit to encourage him on a regular basis. Apart from the MTV Movie Awards people. If that counts. Can you believe they fucking nominated him in 2002 for the movie Zoolander? Not for his performance though, but for the line: "there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking". Obviously they saw the hilarious irony embedded in afore-mentioned quote.

May I declare that my hostility toward "Ben" has nothing to do with the fact a person as aesthetically-displeasing as Stiller is fucking a hot blonde actress. I hated him way before this fact, it just makes me hate him more. On the subject of his looks, it's funny that the one film he wasn't in, was Planet of the Apes. Quite suprising that. They could have saved a fortune on make-up.