The Shitpile

Wednesday, January 24, 2001

posted by The Dark Intellect 9:58 PM EST
We don't just play: Lakota East Academic Team be Strokin'

The Lakota East High School Academic Team continued its marathon winning streak on Wednesday, January 24 with a well-fought but ultimately assured win against Sycamore, extending their perfect record to 6-0 and earning first place in the GMC. Senior Captain Patrick Thomas attributes the team’s success to a key factor missing from previous seasons.
“Unlike seasons past, this year we’re not just playing. We be strokin. And we stroked it so fast to Sycamore, they be cryin’. Yeah, you thought it was rain.” Thomas went on to elaborate with eloquent verbalization that “strokin’ encompasses not just the raw enthusiasm and chutzpah with which we approach every intellectual engagement, but also the spontaneous outbursts of ribald jocundity that, with increasing frequency, tend to discombobulate the opposition until they are our bitches.”
“We’re kicking some GMC ass and there’s not a goddamn thing they can do about it,” says senior and three-year starter Evan Floyd. “I’ve heard it said that playing us is like holding an ice cube to your testicles, and I know how bad that feels because I’ve done it before. Brrr...... Did I mention we just kicked Sycamore’s ass?”
“You’ve got to hand it to East this year,” says Chris Wolery, Senior Captain of the Lakota West Academic Team. “We’ve been outmanned, outgunned, and outstroked.”
“They’ve done a terrific job,” says Vivian Wang, member of the Sycamore Academic Team.
“While we stroke it to the East, they not only duplicate our efforts but also manage to stroke it to the West and, on numerous occassions, to the woman that they love the best. Our program just can’t compete with that.” This dramatic increase in performance comes from the team’s surprising unity despite its members’ eclectic background, says Advisor Dawn Brandenburg.
“Patrick knows everything, and Chen knows chemistry better than I know my mother. Evan is a stupendous ass, but he got that sports question right, so we’re keeping him on the team, for now. And Tim looks like an aardvark, but don’t mention it to him personally or he’ll cry.” The key component in this year’s team, according to all who were sourced for the story, is each team member’s willigness to sacrifice pride and vanity for the good of the whole.
“My name is Neo,” says Thomas, “and I know Kung-Fu.”
“I am the Golden God,” says Wu. “My plan for a Wu World Order, tentatively entitled Wutopia, is proceeding on schedule.”
“I am the Walrus,” says Floyd, sliding on the floor in catharsic tranquility.
“I am Tranibore,” says Ashe, “but my name is Gladiator. His name was Robert Paulsen.”
The spirit of egalitarianism is also predominant among all involved in the program this season.
“The team is much more willing to share buzzer time than in the past,” says Scott Gronberg, long-time Superfan and first-year participant. The motto here is if there’s two people and one buzzer, “I’ll hold it, and you smack it.”
“That’s the kind of attitude that will ensure our indubitable domination of the GMC and carve our names in the metaphorical Trajan’s Column of quiz team history,” says Thomas. His plans include the possibility of Harvard but for now he is concentrating on short-term goals. “Tim, can I get a ride home?” link