"Just a maid?!? That's like saying Prada is just shoes or Vodka is just a morning beverage." -Karen
"8 men? Did you write to the gay make a wish foundation." -Will to Jack
(On catering courses) "All to answer one simple question that has plagued man's conscience since the dawn of time. Chicken or fish?" -Will
"A monkey could do your job providing he had a tux and a lisp." -Will
Grace: People confuse me with Julia Roberts all the time.
Workman: Why?
Karen's friend: Age has not changed you.
Karen: Well age has hit you in the face with a shovel and left you for dead.
Jack: She's the most self-obsessed person I know (talking about his mother)
Will: Well the fruit didn't fall far from that tree.
Grace: Guess who we invited to dinner.
Will: ... It's someone that you love but didn't get to see very often.
Jack: Gives blank look
Will: She gave birth to you.
Jack: Who?
Will: It's your mother!
Grace: Jack's mother is coming and she doesn't know Jack's gay.
Karen: What? Does she have her head cut off?
"On some level your mother must know you're gay. I mean she has met you right?" -Grace
Jack attempts to meditate
Karen: What is he doing?
Will: I think it's the Fire Island mating call.
"When you were a child you were awfully fond of of the nursery rhyme 'Rub a dub dub three men in a tub'. And you do have lots of flamboyantly gay friends. Take Will for instance." -Jack's mother
"My god. This is like watching Gays of Our Lives." -Will
"It's family style, like when the waiters come in and tell you how you're a disappointment to them." -Will
"They're having a ball honouring black men who have set up highly successful law firms. It's being held in a phone booth on the upper-west side." -Will's Boss.
Grace: I'll see you in court
Will: It's actually in a conference room with the arbitrator there.
Grace: Fine. I'll see you in a conference room with the arbitrator there. Damn that didn't sound as good.
Grace: I didn't think I'd win so I stole his bowl.
Will: But that's the bowl he puts his nuts in.
Grace: Ok, putting it back now.
"Stan can't come, he's having some work done on his Mercedes..or kidneys. I can't remember." -Karen
"This macho bully schoolyard crap is so 1983 I could vomit." -Jack
"Ever seen dodge ball on a resume? It's about as useful as American history." -Jack
"You called me to tell me my child made the honour roll? Tell me when they've had a baby at the prom." -Karen
In Trendy Sushi Bar.
Grace: Ooh, cute guy over there. Don't look.
In Family Style Restaurant.
Grace: Ooh, cute guy over there.
Will: Where?
Grace: Psyche. This is the Olive Grove Will.
"What? A guy sleeps with a guy and he's automatically tagged as gay?" -Jack
"But no! Will has to find his good side. You are so spiteful!" -Grace
"Me! I'm the one that got fired, i'm the one that lost my biggest client." -Will
"Oh, everything's me me me." -Jack
"Have you been swinging on powerlines?!?" -Will
"You're a mother, you're not supposed to listen!" -Grace
"This must be what bad breath tastes like." -Grace
"You know the saying, Give Jack a fish, he eats for a day. Teach Jack to fish, he brings home a fisherman." -Will
"Then it tells me i'm thousands of dollars overdrawn." -Grace
"So no coffee?" -Karen
"Mum, can i take you to my therapist? He thinks i'm making you up." -Grace
"I'm sorry you're getting fixed up by my mother but think of it this way, it's incredibly amusing for me." -Grace
"Would i like to spend a few hours rumaging through your closet? In a 'well duh, of course i want to' voice Does a gay bear want to have annoymous sex in the woods?" -Jack
"What are you doing in this closet? You look like the kind of guy that should be coming out of one." -English Bitch
"Now you know where the door is, it's that big square thing you go through on your way to the plastic surgeon." -English Bitch
"In some circles i was known as a dancer. Well not circles as such, more like cages." -Jack
"Awwwh, it's ok, come and have a hug."
Jack comes over and Karen grips him in a headlock
"You backstabbing bastard! You keep away from that London slut or or i'll put fish hooks in your nipples and fly you from the Crysler building." -Karen
"You may have taken my steer but i'll be damned if you take my queer!" -Karen
"So what? You've just met this woman, and Karen's been around for thousands of dollars." -Will
To Karen "I'll never cheat on you again"
To London Bitch "If karen dies i'll totally call you." -Will
"It's like we lost our mojo, or in our case ho-mojo." -Grace
"You don't realise how important cheese is until it's gone." -Will