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The Top 20 Reasons Dogs
Don't Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they
visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've
Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing
www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that
signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft
Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition
software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the
question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of news groups, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online
chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. *
( * 1. Too Damn Hard To Type With Paws. )
TOP
Would
Be Different If the Next President Were a Dog
10. Doggy door on oval office
9. At press conferences, instead of "Mr. President,"
reporters would shout, "Here fella!"
8. Goodbye Whitewater scandal, hello toilet bowl water scandal
7. Washington Monument replaced with hundred-story fire hydrant
6. U.S. might have more coherent foreign policy
5. Public enemy #1: That neutering bastard Bob Barker
4. Secret service and CIA dispatched to catch that little chuck
wagon
3. Country really run by dog's smarter poodle wife
2. Here's your new national anthem: (videotape of dog barking
x-mas jingle)
1. One word: sausage-gate
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Mapping
of the Cat Brain
-------------------------------------------------------------
| Obsession with | Mysterious Adoration of | Barf Gland|
| Imaginary Insects | just one spot on the bed | |
-------------------------------------------------------------
| Search and | Inexorable | Short Circuit | |
| Destroy | fear of | that makes purr-| Licking |
| lobe for | Vacuum | ing kitty an | Gland |
| Expensive | Cleaners | arm-shredding |------------
| Imported |---------------| Maniac in Two | Total |
| Textiles, | Can Opener | seconds | drive to |
| Ceramics | sonar | ----------------| be where |
------------------------------| Asthmatic | they are |
| Shedding Freshly | * | person locator | forbidden |
| vacuumed |----------------------------| to go |
| surfaces cortex | Infatuation with people |-----------|
|------------------| who hate cats | Inability |
| hatred of dogs |----------------------------| to get |
|------------------| | along with|
| new cat |
|-----------|
* Commitment Spot (gets larger when can opener sonar is
activated)
TOP
You know you're a dog person when...
- You have more dog beds, chew toys, collars, leashes,
harnesses, and dog crates than you have dogs.
- You meet other people with dogs, and remember their dog's
call name after 30 seconds, but don't get the owner/handler's
name until you've met them 2 or 3 times.
- You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream
cone with your dog.
- Your parents give up on grandchildren and start to refer to
your dogs as "your kids" or your children."
(Bonus: they start to call them "our granddogs.")
- 90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs
(seeing what's new when you enter your breed into the browser,
reading up on multiple lists, checking out photos, sounds and
FAQs, etc.).
- You have hundreds of pictures of your dogs on your desk at
work, in your wallet, etc., but none of your family or
yourself.
- No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll
get dog hair on their clothes.
- You reach into your pockets for change, and liver treats,
dog kibble, and pick-up bags fall all over. (Bonus: You've
done this in a classy establishment.)
- You've had long meaningful discussions with your friends on
the best way to trim your dog's nails, but have never had a
manicure or pedicure in your lifetime.
- Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references
are incorrect.
- The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
- You watch simply awful movies because your breed is either
featured in a cameo scene or there's a 3-second camera shot
during a crowd scene.
- All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they
come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.
- The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing
acquaintances say to you when they see you is, "How are
the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have now?"
- Your photo Christmas cards feature your dogs (humans
optional).
TOP
Seeing Eye Dog Joke
There are two guys, one with a Doberman Pincher and one with a
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with
the Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get
something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We
can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the
Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk
over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on
a pair of dark sunglasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the
door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with
the Doberman Pincher says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door says, "A Doberman
Pincher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're
really very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on
in." The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the
heck," so he puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to
walk in. The guy at the door says, "Sorry, pal, no pets
allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't
understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The guy at the door
says, "A Chihuahua?" He says, "You mean they gave
me a Chihuahua?"
TOP
Things I have learned from my cats:
- Make the world your playground.
- Whenever you miss the sandbox, cover it up. Dragging a sock
over it helps
- If you can't get your way, lay across the keyboard till you
do.
- When you are hungry, meow loudly so they feed you just to
shut you up.
- Always find a good patch of sun to nap in.
- Nap often.
- When in trouble, just purr and look cute.
- Life is hard, and then you nap.
- Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
- When in doubt, cop an attitude.
- Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the
next day, annoy them, and play with them when they're busy.
- Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are
there.
- Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each
corner.
- Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed
tells them, "I care".
TOP
Top 5 reasons to take you cats with you on
vacation:
- They will starve if left home alone.
- You love having cat hair on your clothes so much, you
thought you would share it with your car pool buddies for the
next year, since it is impossible to remove from the car
seats.
- You really want to have cat litter in your soda while
driving.
- The dash needed a few claw marks.
- So when stoped for doing 90 you can say ""I'm
sorry officer, but I need to have my cat surgically removed
from my leg. Where is the nearest hospital?"
TOP
Doggie at the Movies
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an
old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film,
you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out,
and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened
all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided
to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing
I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the
film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He
hated the book."
TOP
Cats According To Dave Barry
Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is
code. It means: "Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate
people.") Many people love cats. From time to time,
newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died and
left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat, Fluffkins.
Cats read these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named
as beneficiaries in their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where
your cat goes when it wanders off for several hours? It meets with
other cats in estate-planning seminars. I just thought you should
know."
TOP
Moms and Dogs
A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a
man and his dog. The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice
and the talent scout says, "Come to my office. I want to sign
you and this marvelous dog to a contract. This dog can make us
both rich." The man brings his little dog to the talent
scouts office. The little dog is just about to finish singing
"La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano
Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by
the scruff of the neck. She (it's a bitch) runs away with him in
her mouth. The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking
away our fortune!" The man replies, sadly, "It's no use.
That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She
wants him to be a doctor."
TOP
Does Your Cat Own You?
See how many yes answers apply to you.
- Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like
them?
- Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of
stress?
- Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month?
- Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes
or licks your butter?
- Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really
have?
- Do you sleep in the same position all night because it
annoys your cats when you move?
- Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers?
- Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork?
- Does your cat sleep on your head?
- Do you like it?
- Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat
food in the refrigerator?
- Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the
remote?
- Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing
rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go
out or come in?
- Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go
out on a bad date?
- Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas?
- Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?
TOP
Does Your Dog Own You?
See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.
- You believe every dog is a lap dog.
- If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
- You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one
of your kids.
- You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and
your dog.
- You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.
- You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
- No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for
you and your dog(s).
- You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do
for yourself.
- You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips,
even when you know where his lips have been.
- You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed
every dog in the neighborhood. You know their names.
- You let the neighbor dog sleep over.
- You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
- Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.
- When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first
choice.
- You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.
- You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.
- Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.
TOP
Seeing Eye Dog Joke 2
This blind guy, wearing dark glasses, a trench coat and using a
walking cane, goes into a video store with his German shepherd
seeing eye dog. The blind guy proceeds to walk around for a few
minutes then picks his dog up by the tail and swirls him around in
circles above his head, The clerk notices this alarming sight and
says "Hey Mac!!! What the heck are you doing??!!!" The
blind guy replies back...."just looking around"
TOP
Top Ten Signs Your Dog Is More
Intelligent Than You
10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from
your apartment in the middle of the day
9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks
strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room
8. Ice floating in toilet water
7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep
6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local
meat-processing plant
5. You can never find the leftovers
4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on
The Nature Channel
3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's
job.
2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover"
1. Your apartment keys no longer work
TOP
"Signs You Have a Dumb Cat"
10. Instead of purring, makes sound like a stalling cessna
9. Only seems content when suction-cupped to your car's rear
window
8. Believes he's related to Kitty Dukakis
7. Becomes hypnotized whenever Ross Perot is on Larry King
6. Gets between the president and a plate of nachos
5. When playing "Jeopardy", always forgets to phrase
answers in the form of a question
4. Let Fox network get NFL Football
3. Believes the Trump marriage will last for years to come
2. No matter how many times you explain it, he can't understand
the clapper
1. Asks to be neutered by Bob Barker personally
TOP
David Letterman's Top 10 Signs
You've Gone To a Bad Veterinarian
10. When you hand him your cat, he asks uncomfortably,
"Monkey?"
9. Two weeks later, your dog coughs up a rubber glove.
8. Big sign in waiting room: No Pets Allowed!
7. Diploma looks a lot like menu from Chinese restaurant.
6. Always saying "I've got a tick in my pants."
5. Sends you a card every spring: "Time for your dog's
annual neutering."
4. First question, "What ails your varmint?"
3. He has a lot of posters up advertising cockfights.
2. He himself wears one of those big funnel shaped dog collars.
1. He bites!
TOP
"Signs You Have a Dumb Dog"
10. Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to
remember "Wow"
9. Buries tail, wags bones
8. When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat-by products
7. Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a
day
6. Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in cat face
5. Has suffered over two dozed concussions from toilet seat
falling on his head
4. Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
3. Voted for Fred Grandy, Love Boat's gopher, because he really
thought he'd be a good congressman
2. Spends hours staring at kitchen cabinet, waiting for tiny
horse-and-carriage to come out
1. Constantly chasing people named "Katz"
TOP
"Ways the Miss America Pageant Would
Be Different if the Judges Were Dogs"
10. Title revoked if old photographs surface of the winner
petting a cat
9. Put your money on the girl wearing the sash made of baloney
8. New sniffing competition
7. Rambunctious Miss Ohio forced to wear one of those big
plastic cones on head
6. Host Bob Barker torn to shreds by pack of angry neutered
judges
5. Winning talent? Throwing a stick
4. Pageant thrown into total chaos by judge in heat
3. Miss Texas disqualified for stuffing her evening gown with
Gaines Burgers
2. Winner gets to drink out of toilet
1. Points taken off for mange
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Dogs Don't Use Computers