Jokes in English

Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh John.
Oh!

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him for a donation. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you have not given a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying of a long-term illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... No."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three small children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "--so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Two aliens land in the middle of Australia near a recently abandoned petrol station. The first alien goes up to the petrol pump (which he assumes to be an earthling) and says, "Take me to your leader". The petrol pump doesn't say anything (naturally). The alien gets annoyed and demands again, "Take me to your leader". When the petrol pump still doesn't reply, the alien gets mad and tells the petrol pump that if he doesn't start talking, he will blast him.

At this point the second alien nervously interrupts, "eer, Sir, I don't think you should.....". But the first alien will not be disturbed and he blasts away. There is a huge explosion, and after the smoke clears the blackened aliens discover themselves lying 50 yards away from their destroyed space ship.

"You see, Sir" said the second alien, "I didn't think it would be wise to mess with a guy who can wrap his dick around the waist and stick it in his ear".

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Through the center of Czechoslovakia there's a train speeding along. In one compartment of the train there are four people. A beautiful vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a Czech dissident. Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel. It is completely dark. Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap. When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss and I get slapped."

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart! We go through the tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a Russian soldier."

This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy. The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.

After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.

The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctor's office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.

The doctor replied, "Lady those aren't bags, they're your tits, and if you don't stop turning those screws you're going to have a beard!"

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

An example of our superior Male filter-mechanism:

What a woman says:

"Cmon...This place is a mess!
You and I need to clean up.
All your socks are on the floor;
you'll have no clothes at all
if we don't do laundry now!"

What a man hears:

"C'MON....blah, blah, blah
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah
blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, NO CLOTHES. blah

Should be in the running for honorable mention for the Darwin award. At least for the poor dog.

The following is an account of how stupid certain members of the human race can be. This is straight from an insurance claim file.

Guy buys brand new Grand Cherokee for 30 some thousand dollars and has 400+ dollar monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting and of course all the lakes are frozen.

They go to the lake with the guns, the dog, the beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready. Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Remember, it's all ice and in order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck wants to fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40 second fuse. Now these 2 Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Grand Cherokee), they take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light this 40 second fuse and throw the dynamite which is what they end up doing.

Naturally, their Black Lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner, takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and gets the stick of dynamite with the burning 40 second fuse about the time it hits the ice all to the woes of the 2 idiots yelling, stomping, waving arms and wondering what the !?*!? to do now.

The dog, well it is happy and heads back from where it came from moments before, with the stick of dynamite, only to the mounting woes of the 2 bozo's now really waving their arms, yelling even louder and jumping to new heights than ever before.

Now one of the guys decides to think, something that he has never done before this moment, grabs a shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 duck shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab on its appointed rounds. Dog stops for a moment, slightly confused and continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused & of course scared, thinking these 2 Nobel Prize winners have gone insane and takes off to find cover, with the now really short fuse burning on this stick of dynamite.

The cover the dogs finds? Underneath the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sitting on the lake ice.

BOOM !

Dog dies, and it and the brand new Grand Cherokee 30 some thousand dollar 400+ monthly payment vehicle sink to the bottom of the lake leaving the 2 candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

Later, the owner of the vehicle calls his insurance company which tells him that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He had yet to make the first of those 400+ a month payments.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children.

Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away.

But, I must know. Did he have a different father?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment, then she said, "Yes, yes he did."

The old man was shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected.

With a tear in his eye, his asked, "Who?, Who was he? Who was the father?"

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth.

Then, finally, she says, "You".

Q. What's the difference between an amateur programmer and a professional?

A. An amateur thinks that 1 kilobyte is 1000 bytes. A professional thinks that 1 kilometer is 1024 meters.

Three men were in a shipwreck and landed on a small uncharted isle. They were captured and taken to the island king, who told them, "You each have a choice to make. Death..... or Magumbo."

The first man said, "I don't want to die. I choose Magumbo." Immediately about 100 natives jumped out from behind bushes and trees and all raped him.

The second was asked his choice. He said, "Well, I don't want this magumbo, but I suppose it's over and done, and there's no harm done, and it certainly seems preferable to death." Again, 100 natives jump out and all rape him.

Finally the third man said, "No way -- I have my dignity and my ethics. I would rather die than partake of this disgusting ritual. I choose death."

The island king replied, "So be it. DEATH................. by Magumbo!"

Dear technical support,

I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies won't crash if Girlfriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-extisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from Girlfriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had Experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a TokenRing to run properly. He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 Beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 3.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first, and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 3.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 3.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of Girlfriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less re-program. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how Girlfriend is so completely object-oriented.

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlfriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of Girlfriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F," again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F," another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?" The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

         __ __
       /       \
      |         |              O
       \ __ __ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles like this:

                               __ __
                             /       \
                O           |         |
                             \ __ __ /

and told them this (small circle) is your asshole before prison...

This bishop invites a young priest over for dinner. During the meal, the priest can't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper is. Over the course of the evening he starts to wonder if there's more between the bishop and the housekeeper than meets the eye.

Reading the young priest's thoughts, the bishop volunteers, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional."

About a week later the housekeeper comes to the bishop and says, "Excellency, ever since the young Father came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"

The bishop says, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sits down and writes: "Dear Father, I'm not saying that you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later the bishop receives a letter from the young priest, which reads: "Your Excellency, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now."

Out in the wild wild west, where the tumbleweeds blow across the dusty prairie, an intrepid prospector was crossing the badlands of the Dakotas on his way to San Fransisco. Suddenly, our hero is set upon by a band of blood thirsty Indians. Bound and gagged, the pioneer is taken to see Chief Flying Eagle. The Chief says, "Ugh! You cross-um sacred burial ground. You must die unless you prove-um that you are real man!"

"H-h-h-how d-d-d-doo I prove that I am a real man?" querried the frightened pioneer.

"Ugh!" says Chief Flying Eagle. "You have a big-um challenge. Before you there are three tee-pees. In first tee-pee, there is two bottles of fire water. You must drink-em dry in five minutes. In second tee-pee there is bear with sore tooth. You take-um out tooth with bare hands. In third tee-pee, and this is most diffiicult, is Little Flower, my neice. You must give-um her orgasm! Are you man enough to do it?"

"Let's do it!" claims our hero and he jumps into the first tent. >< POP >< >< POP >< go the bottles. Glug glug glug glug glug glug. Two minutes later, the cowboy, knees wobbling sways out of the tee-pee brandishing two empty bottles of whisky. He leaps into the second tent and immediately, noises and growl emmenate from the tee-pee. Fur flies out, screams are heard and the entire structure shakes.

After five minutes, the pioneer crawls out, clothes are torn, he's missing half an ear, and he's covered with blood. He comes over to the chief and says, "Alright! Now where's the squaw with a sore tooth?"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Texan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Texan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump" "My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go"

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack".

A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the farm, right next to their house. Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the Martians for dinner.

They all sit down and start talking. They begin exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the other room.

As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear.

Suddenly his penis extends to a foot and a half. However, it is still only as thick as a pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide." The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex.

The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are having breakfast.

"So, how was it?" asks the farmer.

"It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?"

"Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept playing with my ears."

There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.

The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it.

He told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".

The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake.

While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.

The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened.

But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did anything really good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Yeah, there was this one time when Iwas drivin' down the highway and I saw a giant group of KKK Biker Gang Rapists assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em, torturing this chick. Infuriated, I get out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.

As I walked up to the leader, the KKK Biker Gang Rapists formed a circle around me. "So, I rip the leader's chain off his face and smash him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yell to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, impressed, says "Really? When did this happen?"

"Oh, about two minutes ago."

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white baby. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even Stevie Wonder could see whats been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says, "Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the white baby."

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

A guy goes into a bar sits down and asks the bartender to line up ten shots of crown royal. The bartenders asks "What's the happy occasion?" "It's not so happy," the guy replies, "I just found out my older son is gay. "Sorry about that," the bartender replies.

A month later the same guy goes to the bar and asks the bartender to line up 20 shots of Crown Royal. The bartender says "I hope it's a happy occasion this time." "Not really," the guy replies, "I just found out my other son is gay." With that he drinks the shots and leaves.

Six months later the guy walks into the bar again and asks the bartender to give him the whole bottle instead of lining up shots. The bartender decides to ask the guy a personal question, "Doesn't anybody like pussy in your house?" The guy replies "Yes, my wife does."