Growing and Rowing

This review is pure humorous fiction. None of the comments and opinions expressed in the article (with the exception of those made by yours truly) are real.

Summary

Yes gets busted, time, and a reprimand. Hmm, I wonder how the media would handle this one...

Analysis

"HEADLINES" - May 4th 1999, a well known and popular Berkeley student on the only known floating university in the far east has been formally spanked for breaking Semester at Sea regulations. During a random cabin bust, C.C.C.P Officers discovered a bottle of Freezi Rum stashed away in a clothes drawer; to which Yes (also a cast member of MTV's Road Rules) took sole responsibility.

As punishment, Yes was given a sentence of 5 hours dock time, coupled with mandatory alcohol counseling. "This type of behavior is totally unacceptable on S.A.S" said the C.C.C.P Officers at the scene. "Every student knows that possession of a controlled substance within cabin quarters carries a stiff penalty!"

But when confronted with a report of students consuming alcohol during a wild party held on the 3 of March- in the same cabin, he replied, "We'll ... look into it!".

"Ya, they always say that." said Yes who took the news of his punishment as well as any party hard student would... "Man, I knew I should've finished that bottle of rum last night like Alissa told me!" Soon word of Yes' bust spread around the ship as Alissa, Yes' current fling took it upon herself to warn other students suspected of harboring booze that campus cops were on the prowl. "Why are they sweatin' me? That rum cost me $10 bucks! Now they slap me with 5 hours dock time on the ship, knowing full well that I'll only be in Hong Kong for two whole days? Ok, I'll do my time like a man."

"Ha, you mean more like a baby!" said Kyle, who we conducted a interview with four months after filming wrapped up. Kyle (A.K.A Reviewer) is one of millions who watch the reality-based adventure documentary on a weekly basis, hoping that the series will one day return to its premise.

"Yes blew the sentence way out of proportion. He was caught red faced, and red handed; so what did he actually expect, a slap on the wrist? And as for those precious 5 hours that you lost... you're in town for TWO days genius! Which still leaves a good 43 hours for you to blow with Alissa!"

When asked to comment on S.A.S's No Controlled Substance in Cabin policy, Kyle laughed and stated that if S.A.S Officials really want student to take their little board game law seriously, then they need to eliminate the source: "What's the point in confiscating illegal booze from a kid if he can get an instant refill some 6 hours later from the local bar?"

"Hey, I don't make up the laws, I just enforce them!" said the C.C.C.P Officer, in response to Kyle's accusation. "Then you do that!" Replied Kyle. "By the way, what in the heck does "C.C.C.P" stand for anyhow???"

However, Yes' alcohol sting wasn't the only run in he had with S.A.S Officials... as S.A.S's academic dean Vince Kohler was forced to call an emergency meeting with Yes- along with two other S.A.S students to discuss their current academic problems.

"We do take academics seriously on S.A.S" said Kohler. "- Contrary to what our sponsor has shown. As academic dean, it is customary for me to keep the students on their toes by instilling responsibility, determination, and hard work; anything less is unacceptable. Dr. Leevert hasn't received a finished assignment since the 18th of March. And no one in the trio has attended a single CORE class for nearly two months now! In addition, lately one student hasn't attended an african history class due to a conflict of interest between her, and the professor; so I later pulled her aside to have a one-on-one discussion on the issue... basically telling her to lighten up. I believe students should take college serious, but not this serious!"

The students in question expressed their own views on the meeting.

"Ugh, excuse me! I'm taking this semester too seriously?" said Ayanna, out spoken Howard University track and field athlete. "True, initially I had promised never to cross over that threshold into his classroom ever again, but what's the point in displaying my self-righteousness when it's not even shown on tv? How-Ever... when I am told that "black" universities harbor people who eat collar greens, and corn bread to have an attachment back to Africa- coming from a "black" professor, then I'm offended."

Reporters attempted to contact the professor in question, but he was unavailable for comment.

"And as for some of my other classes I'm accused of neglecting: I've written all of my essays, I've turned in all of my papers, and I've taken all of their boring CORE courses- thank you very much!"

What some have dubbed Semester at Sea's resident flirt, Veronica expressed her opinion on the meeting. "Just who do they think they are, wasting my valuable time discussing academics!" said Veronica. "Did they actually think I came on this cruise with a mindset to study academics fulltime? However, they all seemed pretty gullible since they bought at face value my promise to have all 10 papers in on their desks by morning; but that guy Kohler needs a major attitude adjustment. He came knocking on my cabin door at 3:10 telling me to be at the library at 4:00 p.m. for an academic meeting. All this despite my telling him that I was going to take my daily sun bath- er, run up on deck. He's not very considerate of my spare time, doesn't he know who I am?!?"

However, Kohler defended his actions. "Despite Veronica's lip service I repeatedly expressed to her how important this meeting was. She told me that she had a meet, I told her that I'd meet her at 4, then told her that it was a pleasure doing business with her."

Kyle called Veronica's excuse: "weak", "lame"- but expected given her track record. "Kohler showed more restraint than I would've under the circumstance. I would've flunked her butt, and called it a day! At least you can give Yes props for being honest from the get-go. I was also impressed by Ayanna's seemingly 180 opinion change by show's end, but only time will tell whether she'll stand by her own words. However, I was abit annoyed by the look she shot Kohler and the rest of the faculty with at the start of the meeting.

You know, the [head down - eyes up] seemingly all business look that Abby (A.K.A "Baby Barrettes") shot David with while he was getting grilled by his radio boss in RW: Seattle. A look which is intended to appear as serious and intimidating, ends up coming across as silly and idiotic! I don't care how much trouble I was in... if someone looked at me like that, I'd burst out laughing!"

"However, this is no laughing matter." said Professor Warnning, Semester at Sea' head counselor who frequently gives advice to troubled students.

"I've expressed concern for the Road Rules cast' emotional well-being every since I was called out to defuse a heated conflict on April 11th. And even though most of the cast and viewers felt that what little advice I submitted was pointless, I dubbed the meeting a success. However, it was not brought to my attention that certain cast members were having academic trouble until I noticed that three of them were absent from my music class the other day."

Wanting answers, Warnning sent Pua, a environmental science major, and out spoken animal rights activist from Hilo, Hawaii to search for her fellow castmates.

"Professor Warnning told us that he needed someone to be the bad guy to go tell Yes, Ayanna, and Veronica to get their butts out of bed. And figuring I have a little experience in that area, I volunteered. But when I got there, they were all sleep; so I went to Yes, told him that Professor Warnning needed him to get his butt out of bed, he told me to bug off!"

Pawel, a photography student at NYU could not comment on Yes, Ayanna, and Veronica's academic troubles, as well as Yes' bust, saying he did not know enough of the incident's specifics. However, he did make a statement on how pleased he was with the editors for finally realizing that he has a personality.

Shawn, a student at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill admits that hearing the news of Yes' academic troubles didn't really take him by surprise. "It's funny, that dude hardly ever goes to class, yet seems to always come out on top. I remember he only attended two CORE classes and still managed to score a 77 on the first exam. My guess is that he didn't fare so well in proceeding classes... maybe he didn't care, I know the editors didn't!"

"I know I've had the tendency to lean towards the social side on this trip" said Yes. "But I also have to keep myself in check, and see if I'm taking full advantage of this opportunity. But in the future I think it'll all level off, and I'll find a balance. Party Hard and Study Hard is the way I look at it, and that's the way I try to live my life!"

"Ya, too bad the party hard goal always seem to come out on top!" replied Kyle. "But it's hardly any of the viewer's fault that we were basically shown the wild'n crazy side of Yes as appose to the honorary Berkeley student. Over all, the editors have done a sloppy job this season; even their characterizations were fairly botched. However, I have to commend them for remembering that we're still on a floating university; and it's safe to say after viewing this episode that the season should be effectively re-titled, Road Rules: Slackers at Sea!"

Goofs

• Is There A Docter In The House: Why was it necessary for doc (who gave us his best vomit-worthy diagnosis of Pawel's "Deli Belly" a few weeks back) to tag along on the booze bust? Sure, the gestapo and storm trooper I'll take, but I can't fathom as to why doc's expertise was needed... unless they frequently find themselves with an overdose case in every bust; where a student attempts to destroy the evidence... much like a pusher trying to gulp a bag full of cocaine before the cops nab'em!

• Get Out Of Jail Free Card: I find it highly implausible that a S.A.S student could get away with impersonating=mocking Assistant Administrative Dean, Becky Drury over the loudspeaker without falling into a pool of hot water... unless of course you have a contract with Bunim-Murray Productions!

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