Joke 21: POLITICALLY CORRECT USAGE WHEN >> TALKING TO / ABOUT A FEMALE
She is not: A BAD COOK, She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She does not: GET PMS, She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY, She is: >> TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER, She is: >> AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10, She is: >> NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY, She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE 1PORTS ON TV, She is: >> ATHLETICALLY BIASED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE, You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS, She is: >> MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID, She is: >> THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP, She is: >> COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE, Her breasts are: >> CENTRALLY LOCATED
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER, She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SUN BATHE, She experiences: >> SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
She does not: CUT YOU OFF, She becomes: >> HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HAIR, She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH, She is: >> OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
Joke 22: DO NOT LOOK AHEAD!!!!!!!.......step by step SLOWLY.
Read this message ONE LINE AT A TIME and just do what it says...........
1) pick a number from 1-9
2) subtract 5
3) multiply by 3
4) square the number (multiply by the same number -- not square root)
5) add the digits until you get only one digit (i.e. 64=6+4=10; 10=1+0=1)
6) if the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
7) multiply by 2
8) subtract 6
9) map the digit to a letter in the alphabet 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, etc....
10) pick a name of a country that begins with that letter. Keep going at this point ... You got a minute invested already right?
11) take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter
12) think of the color of that mammal (keep scrolling)
*********************************************************************
DO NOT SCROLL DOWN UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE ALL OF THE ABOVE
Here it comes, NO CHEATING or you'll be sorry. You have a gray elephant from Denmark.
Joke 24 (Julieanne):
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are
seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under
way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and
begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to
be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left
as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort
of
practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving
and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more
hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden
change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at
the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the
pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to
scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Joke 25 (Julieanne):
Higlemire and his wife entered the dentist's office.
"I want a tooth pulled," he said. "We're in a big hurry, so let's not
fool around with gas or
Novocain or any of that stuff."
"You're a very brave man," remarked the dentist. "Which tooth is it?"
"Show him your bad tooth, honey," said the man to his wife.
Joke 26 Julieanne):
Barth went to Dr. Legget to get a cavity filled. He escorted Barth to
the chair and gave him some
Novocain. Legget returned a few moments later, told him to open wide,
and then reached for his
drill.
Suddenly the dentist stiffened and said to the man, "Mr. Barth, do you
realize your hand is
clutching my testicles?"
"Certainly, Doctor," he replied. "We're not going to hurt each other,
are we?"
Joke 27 Julieanne):
An economist is back in his old college town many years after graduation
and decides to drop in
on one of his old professors. He happens to see a copy of an exam
sitting on the desk so he
picks
it up to look at it. Upon deciding that it looks familiar he comments to
the professor that it is the
same exam that he had taken 10 years ago. The professor assures him that
this is correct but
adds
that this time the answers are different.
Joke 28 Julieanne):
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are
the best of friends, I
would
not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to
know that I had mentioned
you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added,
"Can I see that
prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
Joke 29(Julieanne):
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. The
last
time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short. There sat his lover
with an infant in her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried. "I would have
rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my
name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talkin' and
talkin'
and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a
lawyer!"
Joke 30(Julieanne):
There was a small bakery shop in a town that had a very attractive
female
clerk.
It became known throughout the town that the pretty woman didn't like to
wear panties under her skirt while on duty as the clerk at the bakery.
Men would come in to the store, all day long to buy a loaf of raisin
bread.
When they requested raisin bread, the clerk would have to climb a ladder
to
reach the bread on a high shelf behind the counter which revealed quite
a
show for the male customers.
As the day grew longer, the lady became quite exhausted from climbing
the
ladder to fetch raisin bread. Just as she was on the ladder retrieving
another loaf of raisin bread for a customer, an elderly gentleman walked
into the bakery to purchase a pie for his wife. The clerk shouted down
to
the old man, who was pretending not to be looking up and asked, "sir,
I'll
bet yours is raisin, too?"
The old gentleman replied, "no it isn't, but it is sure startin' to
twitch
some."
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