Joke 1 (Julieanne): A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private
lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no,no," you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast." The man
takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with
the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold
your husband's penis." The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the
fairway . . . about 15 ft "That was great," the pro says, "nice and gentle. Now take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like
you're supposed to."
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated
if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are
somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's an nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it. It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard
to get any real work done.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it
for fun most of the time.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people
would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I
do that?"
It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.
Joke 2 (Julieanne): One day a couple was garening when all of a sudden the husband said, "Gee Honey, your butt is sure getting big!!" The wife
tried to ignore him. A little later he said,"Man is your butt big!!" The wife continued to ignore him. The husband then said,"I bet
your butt is as big as our grill, why don't you sit on it and we'll see??" At this the wife went inside and layed down in her bed and
started to read her book. Later that evening the husband came in and said, "I'm sorry about what i said today, how about we have
ourselves a little fun!!" At this the wife said, "Are you crazy?!
?! I'm not firing up this big grill for that little weenie!!"
Joke 3 (Julieanne): A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall,
good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. "Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the
youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if--" The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes,
my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father." The man then dies, happy. The wife
mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Joke 4 (Julieanne): Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible D.U.I. violators, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled
out the door, tripped on the curb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat.
One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled
him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him
how that was possible.
"Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy"
Joke 5 (Julieanne): So there was this woman who had a problem with silent gas and she went to the doctor and she said,
"This is so embarrassing. I have this problem of farting silently. You probably haven't noticed, but I've let three of them since I've
been in this office with you. Is there ANYTHING you can do?"
He said, "Yes, but the first thing is to get you fitted for a hearing aid."
Joke 6 (Julieanne):A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die."
1. "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work
in a good mood."
2. "At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a
good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
3. "For dinner, fix an especially nice meal and don't burden him with
household chores."
4. "Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every
whim."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had said.
She replied "You're going to die."
Joke 7 (Julieanne): You Can Never Really Go Back
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we
were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting
here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we?" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were
fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in
your coffee and the other one's in you oatmeal!"
Joke 8 (Julieanne):The Perfect Tattoo...............
One evening a couple of old friends decided to get
tattoo's after a long night of drinking. The first guy
asked the tattoo artist to put the name of his wife on his
arm. After the artist had finished, he ask the second guy
if he wanted the name of his wife on his arm too. He
decided the he wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
his pecker. The artist ask what in the hell for. The
second man replied,"first of all I always like playing
with my money, second I like to watch money grow,
and finally the next time my wife blows a hundred
dollars I won't mind so much.
Joke 9 (Pauline):..REASONS WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS!
Joke 10 (Pauline):...OYA...
Giving a campaign speech to a tribe of Indians on their reservation,
a politician, said, "I promise you all high-paying jobs and a great
standing of living."
"Oya!" all the Indians replied in unison.
Emboldened by their enthusiasm, he shouted, "And I promise you all
first rate health care and a college education!"
"Oya!" the Indians cheered.
The Indians' enthusiasm really revved up the politician, and he went
on. "And I promise that you will all be taken care of in your old age!"
As the politician left the podium to a continuing chant of "Oya!
Oya!" the chief of the tribe asked him if he'd like to tour the
reservation. The pol agreed and was shown around the place.
Finally they stopped at a barn to see the Indians' prize-winning
bulls. As they entered the building, the chief turned to the politician
and said, "Be careful not to step in the oya. It's all over the place."
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