MARY IN REALITY
by Dr. Morris Cecil Glalet, Tk.D.
(It is a nursery with a few toys on the floor and well-made beds. JANE and MICHAEL BANKS run in. MARY POPPINS enters behind them, in her famous costume. She's very tired but trying not to show it.)
JANE: Can we have another tea party on the ceiling, Mary Poppins?
MARY: I don't think so.
MICHAEL: Well, how about a horse race? You did so well in the one today, Mary Poppins.
MARY: A respectable person like me in a horse race? Dont be absurd. Come along, it's time for your medicine.
(She pulls a large bottle and three spoons out of her carpetbag. She hands one spoon to Jane, one to Michael, and sets the third on a nightstand. She pours some of the medicine into Michael's spoon. He drinks it.)
MICHAEL: It tastes like custard! Yum!
(Mary pours some onto Jane's spoon. Jane drinks it.)
JANE: Mine tastes like strawberry. Can I have some more, Mary Poppins?
MICHAEL: Yes, can we have some more, Mary Poppins?
MARY: No, it's time for bed.
(The two children groan and climb into their beds. They fall asleep. Mary goes and picks up the medicine bottle. She pours it into the third spoon and drinks it.)
MARY: Tastes like vodka.
(She drinks a few more spoonfuls. She sits down.)
MARY: My, those children are stressful. I about went insane today. Always losing their kites, running around town, floating up to the ceiling
(She gets up to put the bottle into her carpetbag.)
MARY: Oh, those children, those
(She trips on a doll and falls. The bottle flies out of her hand and smashes against the wall. Mary goes berserk.)
MARY: those nasty, vulgar, useless, bloody children! This is the last straw! I've had it with them!
(She gets a crazed look in her eye.)
MARY: I'll fix them GOOD, I will! Spoonful of sugar indeed! We'll see how supercalifragilisticexpialidocious they are when I tie their corpses up in the string of a kite and bury them under a chalk picture in the pavement!
(She goes over to her carpetbag and pulls out a pickaxe. She goes over to the beds.)
MARY: (singing) Stay asleep, you'll soon be dead
(She swings the pickaxe down onto Michael. She goes over to Jane's bed.)
MARY: (singing) Close your eyes, I'll chop your head!
(She chops Jane, then walks dementedly out of the room. She goes to the doorway of MR. and MRS. BANKS' room, hiding the bloody pickaxe behind the outside wall so they can't see it. The Bankses wake up.)
MR. BANKS: Yes? What is it, Mary Poppins?
MARY: The children are done.
MRS. BANKS: What on Earth are you talking about?
(Mary brings the axe into view of the Bankses.)
MARY: The children are finished.
MRS. BANKS: Aaaaahhh!
MARY: And so are you!
(She runs into the room and swings the axe down aiming for Mrs. Banks, who rolls out of the way just in time. Mr. and Mrs. Banks jump out of bed and run down the stairs into the kitchen. Mary chases after them. Mr. Banks goes searching rapidly through a closet. Mrs. Banks gets on the phone.)
MRS. BANKS: Yes? Hello. I need the police. Help us! Mary Poppins! Insane! Killed the children! Trying to kill us! Send help! Number seventeen Cherry Tree Lane
(Mary chops into the telephone.)
MARY: It's your fault you have such bloody useless lousy undisciplined children! You ought to be sent to jail. No, this'll have to do!
(She takes a swing at Mrs. Banks, who ducks. Mr. Banks steps out of the closet, holding a rifle.)
MR. BANKS: Found it!
(He aims it, but Mary swings the axe and knocks it out of his hands. Mr. and Mrs. Banks run out the door onto the street. Mary throws the pickaxe onto the ground and runs up to the door. She pulls her umbrella out of the umbrella stand and chases the Bankses out onto the street, shooting at them with her umbrella, which is actually a gun in disguise. Mary trips, and the Bankses hide behind a car. Mary gets up. She can't find them and gets mad. She shoots up a tree. She wanders off into an alley. She meets up with BERT. He's standing there in old grubby clothes with a chimney broom.)
MARY: (insane tension in her voice): Hello, Bert.
BERT: Hello, Mary Poppins! I quit my chimney-sweeping job to sell something very special.
(He removes the top of the handle of his chimney broom and pulls out a little vial filled with a white powder. He opens the cap and takes out a small plastic spoon. He scoops out a little of the powder and shoves it under Mary's nose.)
BERT: Just a spoonful of sugar, Mary, and you'll feel high as a kite.
(She reluctantly breathes some in and coughs.)
MARY: That's not sugar, Bert. This ooh, I feel higher than a tea party on the ceiling.
BERT: All right, now why were you feeling so low just a minute ago?
MARY: It's those blasted children, Bert, always plaguing me and tormenting me with their songs and their whining and their "can-we-have-some-more-please-Mary-Poppins" and so I decided I just couldn't take it anymore and so I killed them
BERT: That sounds like quite a pickle.
MARY: Yes.
BERT: You're screwed.
MARY: Shut up!
BERT: You're going to be arrested so fast
MARY: I said shut up!
BERT: (singing) Chim chiminee, chim chiminee, chim chim cheree, a dealer's as lucky, as lucky can be
MARY: If you don't
BERT: (singing) Chim chiminee, chim chiminee, chim chim cheroo, they'll never catch me, but they're gonna catch you.
MARY: SHUT UP!!!
(She whips out her umbrella and shoots him dead. Lights down. Lights up. The scene is now a fountain, and Mary is sitting on the edge, disguised as the bird lady.)
MARY: (disguised voice) Feed the birds, tuppence the bag.
(ANDREW the dog walks up and starts barking at Mary. The CONSTABLE walks up.)
CONSTABLE: What is it, boy? Oh, that. That's just some homeless bad lady, Andrew. Wait a minute I know that face it's Mary Poppins! You're under arrest, ma'am!
(Mary rips off the cloak and is wearing the full Mary Poppins costume, including the little hat. She pulls her umbrella out of her dress. Everything starts to go in slow motion. She fires a bullet out of her umbrella. Andrew jumps in front of the Constable and takes the bullet. The Constable goes to the dead dog.)
CONSTABLE: (slow motion) Nnnnnooooo!
(He gets up and beats Mary over the head with his billy club. She falls, almost unconscious, dropping her umbrella. Everything goes back to regular speed. The Constable drags her slowly off stage left, leaving the umbrella behind.)
MARY: (faintly) No, no, it wasn't supposed to happen like this
(She hits her head on a rock and gets knocked out.)
CONSTABLE: (singing) It's a jolly prison term for Mary
(Lights out on them, leaving only the spotlight on Andrew lying dead. Lights down.)
THE END