CEO: Welcome for the first time ever to the aWE, we are live from the sold-out aWE arena in cyber space. Hello everyone I am CEO and this is my co-commentator from the anime Martian Successor Ruri Hoshino.
Ruri: Hello.
CEO: We are looking forward to some hard-hitting matches tonight.
Ruri: That’s right CEO. Tonight the leader of the Guardians Leader-1 has challenged the leader of the Autobots Optimus Prime in a match to prove which is the better transforming robot/toy tie in franchise.
CEO: The master of illusion and amusing street trickery David Blaine will be taking on everybody’s favourite wizard in training Harry Potter. Now THAT’S! what I call magic.
Ruri: Also, Bubblegum Crisis Mega Tokyo 2032 or Bubblegum Crisis 2040. Which group of Knight Sabers is the toughest? Tonight we will find out the answer as both teams compete without Hard-Suits in 8-person tag action.
CEO: And in the MAAAAAIN EVENT! Blade, Angel, D and Saya in a Vampire Fatal 4-way. Can the One Remaining Original defeat the Vampire with a soul? Or will the Day-Walker take out the Half-Breed Vampier to be crowned top of the heroic bloodsuckers heap.
Ruri: But first, 40 people will be in action to decide who will be the first ever Web, Extreme and Undisputed champions to reign in the aWE.
CEO: Yes indeed! We are starting the way we mean to go on, three titles are being suspended from the roof of a 50-foot steel cage, inside the cage the 40 competitors will have to make use of the ladders to climb up to grab them, once someone gets a title they will leave the cage so the remaining competitors can continue until all three Champions are crowned.
Ruri: and as an added bonus the cage will be set on fire.
CEO: Fire, steel ladders and whole lotta violence. You’ve got to be looking forward to that. By the way Ruri my pasty little co- worker, as a member of the crew of the Nadesico, did you not fancy a chance at one of the titles? I mean Amelia is a ref but she’s still going in as part of the Slayers lot.
Ruri: I am not interested in risking mutilation for the right to wear a gaudy piece of metal.
CEO: Fair enough. All 40 people are in the cage as we speak, the official for this match is our head referee Robocop. The flames are ignited. Now the time for words is over and the time for action is upon us. Without further ado(clears throat) LET GAMES BEGIN!(coughs).
Ruri: (mumbles) Baka!
CEO: Sorry Ruri did you say something?
Ruri: No nothing at all.
CEO: Never mind then. The bell is rung and everybody piles into the centre of the ring.
Ruri: Everybody except Arnold Rimmer of Red Dwarf who has turned the opposite direction and has bolted.
CEO: Rimmer has knocked over Holly’s portable unit and smashed the screen.
Ruri: Holly has been eliminated as Rimmer vaults the ropes and dives beneath the ring apron.
CEO: Can’t say I approve of this as a tactic but in the cowardly mind of Arnold Rimmer it must seem like a sound choice.
Ruri: Meanwhile Spiderman has managed to throw off a double team attack by Terry Funk and Cactus Jack.
CEO: With the history of Hardcore Cactus and the Funker have you must see them as favourites in this environment.
Ruri: That’s right CEO. Speaking of favourites Spiderman has gained enough distance to shoot a web line to the roof of the cage.
CEO: Smart move by the web-slinging Superhero. As he starts climbing at a tremendous pace, no one seems to have noticed hi…… OH MY GOD! Mario out of nowhere just delivered a jumping uppercut to the gut of the wall crawler sending him tumbling to the concrete outside.
Ruri: Mario’s jumping prowess is well known Spiderman should have seen that one coming especially with Spider Sense.
CEO: Back to the action and Lina Inverse is delivering a few well-aimed punches to the face of Nagare Akatsuki but Seiya Uribatake is sneaking up from behind with a wrench.
Ruri: Something seems to have distracted him. It’s Naga the Serpent. He seems transfixed by her.
CEO: You’ve got to admit that she brings some astounding assets to this match (snickers).
Ruri: Well it didn’t take long for the juvenile comments to start did it?
CEO: Sorry but what have Naga’s parents been feeding her?
Ruri: Baka! Back to the match Naga just hit Uribatake with a running kick to the face.
CEO: That’ll loosen a few fillings.
Ruri: Hold on Naga has just picked up the wrench.
CEO: And she’s just nailed Lina in the head with it.
Ruri: Naga is standing over the prone body of Lina Inverse and she’s putting her hand to her mouth and……AAAARRGH!
CEO: OH MY GOD! THAT LAUGH IS CUTTING DOWN EVERYONE IN THE RING. WAIT A SECOND KRYTEN AND JESUS ARE NOT BEING AFFECTED.
Ruri: KRYTEN IS AN ANDROID AND HE SO DOESN’T HAVE EARDRUMS AND JESUS IS THE SON OF GOD.
CEO: Kryten has covered Naga’s mouth’ and Jesus delivers a decidedly un-Christian like shot to the head knocking Naga out cold.
Ruri: Rimmer has just crawled back in the ring and he’s setting up a ladder.
CEO: Rimmer is certainly taking advantage of the current unconscious state of virtually everyone in the match.
Ruri: Having dealt with Naga, Jesus is on his way to stop Rimmer, but Kryten tackles Christ from behind. Wait a minute Rimmer is ordering Kryten to hold Jesus Down.
CEO: Kryten’s loyalty programme is certainly not doing him any favours here.
Ruri: The climb goes without interference Rimmer grabs the lowest of the 3 belts.
CEO: Ladies and gentlemen your first aWE EXTEME CHAMPION ARNOLD JUDAS RIMMER.
Ruri: His weasel like cunning has finally delivered for the man who has failed in every aspect of life as he leaves the cage nostrils flared and smug grin firmly in place, a chorus of boos drown out the Red Dwarf theme.
CEO: Spiderman is back in the ring as everyone begins to stir, Spidey Lifts Jesus and Kryten up for a double brain-buster and delivers it with interest.
Ruri: in the meantime Cactus Jack is exchanging blows with Gourry Gabriev, the King of the Death Match gaining the advantage as he backs Gourry into a corner and proceeds to pummel him with forearms.
CEO: Cactus is going to take a run up and WHAM! A running Knee to the face is the painful topping on Gabrievs Pizza of agony.
Ruri: Wha……..?
CEO: ……..Anyway. Link has Fox Mulder in a prone position on the mat as he climbs the turnbuckle and leaps to deliver a leg-drop. OH! Mulder moved at the last second and Link Crashes to the Canvas.
Ruri: On the outside of the ring Dave Lister is feeling the wrath of Mr Houry. But Lister counters with a low blow.
CEO: As Lister himself once said “One swift knee to the happy sacks and he’ll fall like everyone else”.
Ruri: Xelloss continues to keep Zelgadiss trapped in the childish exchange of trip-ups he has kept up all match long.
CEO: Xelloss could probably wipe out everyone in the ring (with the possible exception of Jesus) without any effort but continues to concentrate on annoying the chimera.
Ruri: But wait Filia Ul Copt has just spotted the “Namagomi” and immediately sets upon him with that mace of hers.
CEO: ow!
Ruri: Hold on Spiderman is shooting a webline to the belts again.
CEO: No ones there to stop him this time he’s reaching for the Web Championship WAIT LINK HAS JUST FIRED HIS HOOKSHOT TO THE CAGE AND IN ONE SWIFT MOVE PULLS HIMSELF UP TO GRAB THE BELT BEFORE SPIDEY!
Ruri: Link has just become our first champion of the Internet.
CEO: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN YOUR aWE WEB CHAMPION LINK!
Ruri: Spiderman is reaching towards the aWE Undisputed Championship title.
CEO: Oooh! But Valgarv stops him with a well-aimed fireball.
Ruri: As Spiderman takes his second long fall to the outside Valgarv is taken down by a combined Ra-Tilt attack from Zelgadiss and Naga. Is magic allowed? I know rules aren’t really relevant to this type of match but come on!
CEO: With only one title left this match is just Degenerating into a Trifle of Violence with a sponge layer of injury.
Ruri: Again with the obscure food analogies.
CEO: What?
Ruri: (sighs) Some of the competitors have managed to get on top of the roof of the cage. Yurika Misamaru and Dana Scully are involved in a slapping exchange, and Terry Funk is beating down Fox Mulder.
CEO: I don’t have a clue what Martina’s doing up there she seems to be talking to something in her hand.
Ruri: Wait Amelia has just scrambled to the top of the cage and is running Martina’s way.
CEO: As the two grapple precariously near the edge of the roof just above the announce position, hold on they’ve broken up but OH MY GOD THEY’VE BOTH SLIPPED IN AN AMAZING DISPLAY OF CLUTZINESS AND ARE FALLING TOWARDS THE ANNOUNCE………? Oh dear!.
(CRASH)
Ruri: Its okay folks my colleague has bravely decided to break their fall.
CEO: ow! my spine!
Ruri: I Don’t think this match is going to end anytime soon. Hold on Fox Mulder has just knocked out the Funker with a flashlight from his jacket pocket.
CEO: Look Mummy stars.
CEO shakes his head.
Ruri: Mulder picks up Terry Funk's prone body and slams him to the cage.
CEO: JESUS CHRIST!
Jesus: What?
CEO: Not you Jesus I was just taking your name in vein.
Jesus: Oh right. Sorry…..HEY?
CEO: Never mind. Anyway, JESUS CHRIST THE CAGE HAS GIVEN WAY AND TERRY FUNK FALLS TO THE MAT BELOW.
Ruri: Terry Funk has created an opening near the last belt will he notice.
CEO: Don’t you worry Mulder knows that the roof is out there (snickers).
Ruri: I’m not going to say a word.
CEO: See what I did there?
Ruri: Yes.
CEO: It’s a play on the X-Files slogan.
Ruri: I know.
CEO: I changed “truth” to “roof”…..
Ruri: I’ll never complain about Izumi Maki’s puns ever again.
CEO: Mulder is reaching with all his might Yurika and Scully are trying to pull him back but…. ITS TOO LATE FOX MULDER IS THE aWE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION.
Ruri: That was incredible folks. The X-Files May be winding down but Mulder’s title reign only just begun.
CEO: What a match and it was only the first.
Ruri: Hold on our backstage reporter, Rival Schools Ran Hibiki, has caught up with the new Web Champion Link.
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