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07.22.04
I'm absolutely paralyzed in my attempts to update this meager, this inconsequential little diary. Undoubtedly, it is the possibility--I say this in jest, how could it be more than a possibility--of an audience that so paralyzes me. There are, I suppose, questions of behavior in my mind. Am I living life appropriately? Am I reacting, day to day, as a normal human ought to? Am I emotionally bankrupt? Am I generally presentable? And because my audience is before men, I suppose it's fitting that my anxiety and demeanor are as fickle and messy as my audience. As it is, due to this perpetual comparison to the members of society closest to me, I seem to be agonizing over every word I say and am sure that, with every utterance, I am betraying more and more of my innate deficiency. And should I care? Do I not continually preach deficiency as a mantra, depression as a stronghold? Of course, the fact that I am a hypocrite should be the least of all surprises. I have, for the past year, made underwhelming attempts at self-improvement. I have failed tremendously. Here are my list of failed behavioral improvements of the past year: Control Diet/Eat More Vitamins Run every day Lift weights every day Self-publish a creative writing booklet [failed after two attempts] Read something related to theology, political science, and literature every day Pray Read Bible This list ought to strike anyone as unduly vain, rigorous, narcissistic, embarassing, sad. And I see it as all these things too. I suppose the only question now is how do I stop doing this. How do I stop worrying always about where I rank on society's list of intellectual/emotionally mature/responsible/ambitious human beings? I suppose I could pray. It is, after all, on my self-improvement list. |