It's All About BURN$

Deez iz quotes fo' da humorous and tha wierd.
If ya dig' all of deez yo' wierd,
but it aint nahh thang, cuz ah dig' dem all.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish
out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the
fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their
pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can
picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even
if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking
to. Then on the way out, slam the door.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it
would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a
magazine.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the
room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay
to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do
some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.

I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot
of money."

The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked
around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This
watering hole is reserved for skeletons."

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll
look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free
dummy.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
wooden stake.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

There's nothing so tragic as seeing a family pulled apart by something as
simple as a pack of wolves.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because
what is that thing.

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking
through your stuff.

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and
catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked
anyway; that's my point.

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and
cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person
open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a
person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something,
like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw
one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid
war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

If you're ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don't know how to
speak the natives' language, just say "Poppy-oomy." I bet it means
something.

If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the
professor pauses in his lecture, just let out a big snort and say "How do
you figger that!" real loud. Then lean back and sort of smirk.

I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around
being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.

If they have moving sidewalks in the future, when you get on them, I think
you should have to assume sort of a walking shape so as not to frighten
the dogs.

Whenever I hear the sparrow chirping, watch the woodpecker chirp, catch
a chirping trout, or listen to the sad howl of the chirp rat, I think: Oh boy! I'm
going insane again.

It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't
even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary
Skeletons.

The land that had nourished him and had borne him fruit now turned
against him and called him a fruit. Man, I hate land like that.

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never
known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and
bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.

Sometimes life seems like a dream, especially when I look down and see
that I forgot to put on my pants.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they
can't hypnotize you.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself:
"Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and
"ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is
mankind.

I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any
other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car
and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed
up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.

It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be
carried by one of the world's smallest animals: the real tiny dog.

When the chairman introduced the guest speaker as a former illegal alien,
I got up from my chair and yelled, "What's the matter, no jobs on Mars?"
When no one laughed, I was real embarrassed. I don't think people should
make you feel that way.

Marta was watching the football game with me when she said, "You know,
most of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its
territory from invasion by another group." "Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh.
Girls are funny.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some
guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is
everybody ready to start now?".

If you go to a party, and you want to be the popular one at the party, do this:
Wait until no one is looking, then kick a burning log out of the fireplace onto
the carpet. Then jump on top of it with your body and yell, "Log o' fire! Log
o' fire!" I've never done this, but I think it'd work.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is
capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as
similar as you might think.

Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like
Bozo.

In some places it's known as a tornado. In others, a cyclone. And in still
others, the Idiot's Merry-go-round. But around here they'll always be known
as screw-boys.

Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that dirt
road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and higher. The
tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept bouncing. Some
say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says that is a goddamn
liar.

Tonight, when we were eating dinner, Marta said something that really
knocked me for a loop. She said, "I love carrots." "Good," I said as I gritted
my teeth real hard. "Then maybe you and carrots would like to go into the
bedroom and have sex!" They didn't, but maybe they will sometime, and I
can watch.

I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment", even if
he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech
improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your
speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the
program!

I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I
don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say,
"Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer
effect."

If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a
better way.

If there was a terrible storm outside, but somehow this dog lived through
the storm, and he showed up at your door when the storm was finally over, I
think a good name for him would be Carl.

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the
interchangeable parts.

If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist.
When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating
everybody. That Alien!

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got
Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because,
man, they're gone.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you
walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the
most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."

Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying
across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in
his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And
also, you're drunk.

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons.

Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't we all
be brothers?

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd
just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking
about doing that anyway.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess
that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth,
wanting that money.

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I
sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking
and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my
brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just
eggs hatching.

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the
wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?

And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger
around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and
if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who
this person was, and why he had deer horns.

I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all
day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It
was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle
marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody:
First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage
that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too.
Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.

Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."

Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for yourself.
For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly Head." Normally
you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person who has beautiful
swept-back features, as if flying through the air. But think again. Couldn't it
also mean "having a head like a fly"? I'm afraid some people might actually
think that.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick
your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be
"Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But
then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked
at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would
probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say,
"Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his
bill.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you
call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you
say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask
for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd
probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack,
above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even
feel it.

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my
holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy
said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started
laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's
right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody
would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the
soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would
always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they
would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big
hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an
astronaut on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into
Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just
slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and
say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth
spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any
toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with
rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the
face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and
offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but
then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a
little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula
AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

ad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him,
and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin
Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then,
when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is
the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever
press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography,
and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a
solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered
where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus,
and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A human head.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can
make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?
We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head
out the window when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself
down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the
person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet
you can really see it in those genitals.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust,"
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told
the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her
dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore
he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was,
and how I named him Flint.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct
is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it
wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends
are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were
swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of
us.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was
a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie
heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm,
boy.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and
since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and
give it to him.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all,
if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much
better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh
and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that
will really throw you into a panic.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder
weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could
shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's
children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of
freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large
rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not
Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what
they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel
gets set on fire.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large
blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if
someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean
this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes,
where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with
no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization
out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people
or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so
confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving
rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a
bolt.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked
hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay
much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go
up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It
turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out.
Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he
decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then.
Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody
called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class
and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but
to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the
Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house,
but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.
Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of
town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,
which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater
until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of
a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those
ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for
about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West
and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was
doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is
gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a
poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten
feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with
him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's
why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit
the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help
illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another
emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like
that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double
what he paid for his stupid puppet.

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse
James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem
like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor
in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and
waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor,
and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the
cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but
instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later,
when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough
and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what
was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?"
"Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that
uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy
space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and
make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at
inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought
something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in
me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the
handcuffs go on.

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land,
because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the
impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we
would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless
a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old
stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about
the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have
a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure
and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he
kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But
then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't
too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good
movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going
to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may
the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and
they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about
the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.