The girls ended up crashing at my apartment.  It was closer than the dorms
were, and by the time we left the "Xander's Not Gay" night - of course,
leaving me more confused than *before* we went out. . .at least before we
went out I *knew* I wasn't gay, and after we left, I could honestly say I
wasn't completely sure.  Damn Spike!  Anyway, after we left the Bronze, we
were all too tired to really make the trek across Sunnydale to campus and be
safe.  So I told the ladies they could have my bed - also half heartedly
informing them that they could do whatever naked things they wanted to do on
my bed, so I could bask in the knowledge that two women had sex there - and
I would sleep on the couch.

"You aren't going to ask to join us?" Willow teased playfully, nudging me in
the side.

I glanced down at her dancing green eyes and smiled.  "Too tired tonight,
babe.  I would probably pass out and you two would do all these delicious
things to my body, and I'd miss out on all of it."

Tara nudged me from the other side.  "But we'd enjoy it, Xander," she
giggled.

I turned to her, shocked.  I think I must have had the biggest smile on my
face I'd ever had.  Willow always told me that when it was just she and
Tara, she was much less stuttery and that she really was funny and cute and
precious and such a wonderful person and she always wanted me to see the
Tara she knew.  And I knew at that moment that Tara was comfortable enough
with me at this point to show me who she really was, and it gave me warm
happy feelings.  I liked Tara so much more than I ever liked Oz, and she was
so good for Willow.

"Well," I smirked, "if you two ladies get the hankerin' for some
Xander-Love, just come wake me up and I'll willingly follow you anywhere so
you can have your way with my devastatingly handsome naked body.  I don't
mind."  I wrapped my arms around their shoulders and they both leaned in my
embrace.  I knew at that moment, no matter what happened, whether I was
straight, gay, or bisexual, I would always have the two of them supporting
me.

That thought gave me more warm fuzzy feelings.  Even though I wasn't gay, it
made me happy.

So we got to the apartment and we were all getting ready for bed.  Tara
leaned up and kissed me on the cheek and said she had a real good time that
night.  Then she said, "Xander, whatever you decide, I'll always love you
anyway, because you are too adorable *not* to love.  As long as you are
happy, then I'm happy.  Besides, when you are happy, Wills is happy and when
she's happy, I get Willow-love, and Willow-love is so good."  She grinned.

I chuckled and kissed her forehead.  "I bet it is," I replied.  I hugged
her, tightly, and told her goodnight.  She went to Willow, knowing that my
best friend wanted to talk to me for a minute.

"I love you, I'll be waiting," she smiled.  Then she kissed her.

It was the first time I'd actually sat back and watched the two kiss without
my hormones jumping up and screaming, 'WOMEN KISSING!  JOIN THEM!'  Don't
get me wrong, in the back of my head, I *still* wanted to be in the middle
of it, but for some reason, at that moment, I was just content to watch
them.

They were beautiful together.  Not in a 'man about to get some from two
women' way but in an 'artistically pleasing two beautiful women expressing
their love' kinda way.  I frowned slightly, making a note to myself not to
mention that to Willow, because it would *definitely* reinforce the fact in
her mind that I was gay.

I could hear the soft moan from Tara, indicating that whatever it was Willow
's tongue was doing in her mouth was a good thing, and it made me think back
on all the kisses I'd ever had.  Willow's was the only one that made me
total jelly like Tara was.  Not that Anya didn't make me moan, but by then,
we were having sex.  Other than Wills, I'd never had someone just make me
melt from a kiss.

I blinked suddenly, pulling myself away from watching them.  It was as if I'
d just had one of those moments of insight.  Willow said the reason I pushed
her away was because she knew that if we'd ended up together, we'd have been
a great couple.  Everyone else I *knew* wouldn't work out, whether it be
consciously (Buffy) or subconsciously (Anya, Cordelia, everyone else).
Now, why would I push a good thing away?

That would be stupid of me to do.

Unless. . .

What if I *were* gay?  Or even bisexual?  Had to be bi. . .I *did* enjoy sex
with Anya.

I closed my eyes and pictured Spike in my mind.  I imagined what it would be
like for him to take me in his arms and cover my face with kisses, then for
him to attack my lips, kissing me deep and passionately.

I think I moaned.

"Xander?"

My eyes flew open and I stared at Willow's big green eyes.  She was standing
in front of me, her eyebrows pushed together in slight confusion.  "Not
 gay!" I cried, inhaling deeply.  "Wills, I'm not, I'm really not gay at
all!  I didn't moan!  I swear, I didn't!"

"Um. . .ok," she said, sitting on the couch.  I sat down next to her,
dropping my head in my hands.  "Just because you were standing there
watching me and Tara kiss and was really enjoying the idea *a lot*, that
doesn't mean you are gay, Xander."  She patted my back.

Wills thought I was thinking about them.  She thought that the beginning of
my erection was because of them.  I turned back to her and sighed.  "Thanks
for the thought, but it wasn't the two of you I was picturing."

Her eyes widened and she giggled, leaning forward.  "Spike?"

I nodded, looking down.  "I was trying to remember all the women I'd ever
kissed that made me moan - just from a kiss.  You were the only one.  Then I
imagined Spike."

"Damn, Xander, he's really gotten under your skin, hasn't he?"

I sighed.  "Yea, he has."  I leaned back against the couch.  She pulled her
legs under her and turned towards me, reaching up to play with my bangs.
"What am I going to do?  First off, I'm attracted to Spike - an evil demon.
That is wrong on so many levels."

"Because you aren't gay."

"Yea, and because he's *Spike*.  He's tried to kill us how many times?  And
if he didn't have the chip, you know he'd kill us.  He could never ever see
me as anything other than the moron.  And besides.  He doesn't like men."  I
frowned.

"Remember what we read in Giles' Journal when we snuck it out of his office?
The really old one with talk of Angelus and William the Bloody?" she asked
softly.

"Yea, but just because *they* had a relationship with each other doesn't
mean a damn thing!  First off, Angelus is his *Sire*.  And if *I* were a
Childe to Angelus, I'd want him.  I mean. . ."  I sighed.  "Never mind, you
know the drill."

"If you were gay, yes, I know, Xander."

"What if I am really, Wills?  What if I'm gay?  I mean. . .I. . .and. . .I
just can't. . .there's just some things. . .and. . .gay?  Me?  The
 Xand-Man?"

"It's not the end of the world if you are, Xander," she said softly.  "Life
will go on, I promise."

"I just wish. . ."  I paused, trying to figure out how to word the sentence
without outing myself - because I wasn't gay - "I just wish that if I *were*
gay, I could accept it as easy as you did."

Willow reached out and hugged me.  I wrapped my arms around her, burying my
face in her neck.  Holding Willow was always like the calm in the middle of
a storm.  No matter what was going on in my life, no matter how bad things
were, when she held me, everything focused on that moment, the feeling of
her small arms around my neck.  I felt safe, and I felt love in Willow's
embrace.  No one had ever made me feel that way.  Not Cordelia, not Anya,
not Buffy - no one.  Hell, half the time, they *were* the storm.  "It's all
going to be ok, Xander," she murmured in my ear.  "I promise."

I pulled away, smiling at my dearest, oldest friend in the whole world.
"Thanks, Wills."

She leaned up and kissed me, then grinned.  "Sure you don't mind if me and
Tara. . ."  She cleared her throat.  "Of course you don't.  You'd be
thrilled if two women were naked on your bed."

I chuckled.  "Do whatever you want, babe.  I'll bask in the thoughts in the
morning when I'm more awake.  But remember - if the two of you want a guy, I
'm right here."

She giggled.  "Night, Xander."

"Night, Wills."  I watched as she got up and moved to the bedroom, shutting
the door.  I lay back on the couch with a sigh.  I knew that as tired as I
was, it wouldn't take long for me to fall asleep.

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