Special
Millenium Edition!
After having published the fifteenth volume of the Tylerian Underground I heard a number of complaints. It was a paper discussing the origin of our Math System. I called it “America gets Groovy” because I was listening to Simon and Garfunkel at the time, and therefore of that had the logic skills of a pot addict. Some of my readers came to me and said, “Tyler (They always call me Tyler.), Where in that paper did America get Groovy? It doesn’t make any sense.”
Well, if you were reading these papers because of the perfect sense they make then I’ve got bad news for you. I’ll title my writing however I want! You ignorant readers simply don’t understand the deep hidden meaning behind the apparent randomness of that title. Just because I don’t either doesn’t mean that there isn’t one. So once again I am forced to shun you, the reader. Shun.
Today’s topic is the proud announcement of the Y2K compliance of the Tylerian Underground. We have assembled our stockpile of food, water, gold, medical supplies, board games, and all tools and information needed to reestablish civilization in the post apocalyptic nightmare that will hit on January 1, 2000. Also, we have shotguns and crudely fashioned spears to fight off the grotesquely mutated survivors who come to beg for food.
We’ll be ready when nuclear winter settles on our fair planet. But will you be? The Tylerian Underground has not yet filled the vacancies in our bomb shelter, and we are accepting applications. Requirements are ravishingly beautiful, female, and ravishingly beautiful. Possible tasks include repopulating humanity and forming a new society. Apply within.
But before the end of Civilization strikes on that final toll of midnight, we have a promise to you, the reader, shunned though you are. Our promise to you (Shun!) is that we will not hop on the advertising bandwagon and abuse the remarkable marketing power of the word Millenium. Indeed, we promise to minimize the use of the word Millenium to less than one Millenium per Millenium. This Millenium-related promise is just one of the many ways that the Tylerian Underground is different from the rest of those silly Millenium abusing capitalists.
That being said, lets discuss some of the problems that may affect our everyday lives. Firstly, lets address those people who have been loudly explaining that “measures” have been taken to “address” the problems that might come about because of the “Millenium”. If you still believe what the media tells you then you’re more gullible than your average lemming. The lemming is a creature famous for hurling itself off cliffs to its death because “All the lemmings are doing it.”
You intelligent readers (Shun!) are of course aware that nothing is ever fixed when dealing with computers. You know from long experience that even thinking the word “bug” causes your computer to shut down and refuse to reboot. Clearly, there is no way that anyone could have addressed any of the far ranging problems of the Y2K bug.
So what possibilities are there? Well . . . best case scenario, all government officials everywhere get on airplanes and begin to flee to their hidden shelters, but crash along the way. Worst case scenario, all government officials except Jesse Ventura crash en route to their secret base. Most likely, it will fall somewhere in between, and with a little luck, involve lemmings in some way.
When preparing for Y2K, you, the reader (Shun!), should consider what might malfunction. Examples are Power Service, Water Service, Telephone Lines, The Sun, the Laws of Physics, or even the Lemming Suicide Sense. Experts recommend you ask yourself questions like “Am I prepared for a sudden failure of Gravity?” If not, then you should think about buying the Tylerian Underground’s special Millenium Gravity Preservation Device. Bill Gates, who is himself well prepared for the Millenium, in the sense that he owns it, suggests that Computer users prepare for Y2K by investing large sums of money in Microsoft Products.
With these and other logical preparations, you, the reader (Shun!), will be ready for the panic and rioting that will help us to ring in the new year. Enjoy Nuclear Devastation!