The Winter Break Edition of the Tylerian Underground is dedicated to the Mall of America. We at the Tylerian Underground were recently at the Mall, and we noticed a distinct lack of mockery. Naturally enough, we decided to remedy the situation. This is the notably mediocre result. It’s not our fault, we’re short on sleep.
                When you drive to the mall, the first thing you will notice rising over the horizon miles away, is that there are a lot of parking areas. In fact, the parking completely surrounds and hides the mall for miles around. To newcomers to the mall this can be deceptive, implying that ample parking space is available. This is not the case. You see, many shoppers, having been shopping for so long they have forgotten where they live, huddle territorially in their cars clutching their purchases. They only leave to scavenge food scraps from the food court dumpsters. Night Shift Security Guards pass the time by placing bets on the fights that break out among these "Mall Rats". So don’t count on any parking at the mall, but don’t worry about it, you’ll need to sell your car to pay for your purchases anyway.
                Once you are free of the burden of car ownership, then you can enter the mall itself. When you first walk in, it seems as though every single store is an Abercrombie and Fitch store. This not true. Some of them are outlet stores, some are Abercrombie Kids stores, and some are only Abercrombie or only Fitch, as though the two of them were fighting and couldn’t even stand to be in the same store as each other. There are also Abercrombie and Fitch kiosks and even the occasional food court.
                Between Abercrombie stores are shops of every shape and size, carefully arranged so that the one you are looking for is always across the mall from where you are. The stores actually switch places just to be less convenient, forcing you to cross the mall. As you cross, you will pass many stores that beckon to you, and by the time you actually reach your original destination you will have no money left, and will be forced to ask what they will give you for your firstborn child. Don’t bother, they already have all the slave labor they need. All except Abercrombie, that is.
                Newcomers are fooled into believing that with all these stores there must be greater selection. Much like the parking illusion, this is not the case. All of these stores stock the same styles, so that in the end you only have three options to choose from, two of which are Abercrombie and one of which is sold out. None of them are stocked in your size. You will end up buying two anyway.
                For many, including my sister, the Mall of America is a place for high fashion. From Abercrombie to American Eagle, it is stock full of the most fashionable items, by which I mean hideously ugly. I’m not kidding. Take shoes for example. This latest craze in shoes is big. Really big. The shoes I saw from safely outside these stores must have had three-foot soles. They probably weighed thirty pounds apiece, and were made out of black and white plastic slapped on the side in shapes like archery targets. They looked like they had fallen out of an Austin Powers movie, and customers usually needed to take out a mortgage on their house to buy a pair.
                Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m hardly the sort of person who has any right to comment on what’s fashionable. I am a registered nerd, and I obey the dress codes. But even I know better than to strap on shoes that would tear your feet off at the ankles if you did anything so foolish as try and walk in them. These shoes probably come with their own little jet powered roller-skates like Wile E. Coyote used to order from Acme.
                Don’t we remember what happened to Wile E. Coyote?
                So if you have a wish to cause yourself severe bodily harm in the name of fashion, the Mall of America is your place. In fact, all forms of masochism can be accomplished in the Mall of America, which is famous for having the world’s largest indoor Debtors’ Prison. Anytime you stop enjoying having money we recommend a trip. Or you can just save time and mail your money to us.