Tired and Bitter

                Due to overwhelming response in favor of the fifth Tylerian Underground "A few of my Favorite Things . . ." I have decided to publish a sequel, bringing to light a few more things that cause me to foam at the mouth. After you, the reader, have read this paper, it is your duty to bring these foul unholy things to an end. Go, my pretties! Kill!!!

Insomnia

                Insomnia is a curse that is directly responsible for every single one of the Tylerian Underground’s articles. I have a high tolerance for it, but there is a certain point at which even I begin to wish for sleep. It usually is when I’m up so late that my computer speakers come alive and begin claiming they are Incan monkey gods, and come with many gifts in the form of beautiful women and heaps of gold if I will simply click my heels together three times and chant "I can’t believe I’m not butter." I generally ignore it, as I am busy trying to dodge their Incan Monkey laser guns. Maybe I’d pay more attention if they offered me a cure for writer’s block.
                You may be wondering why this particular essay is so remarkably incoherent. You may even suspect I am listening to Simon and Garfunkel. This is not the case. This is the sad result of remaining conscious after three a.m. It’s not pretty.

Microphones

                Microphones are remarkable products that with a minimum of effort can amplify a person’s voice to the point where their idiocy is broadcast amongst a much broader area. Actually, this seems to be the microphone’s only purpose for existing. If an average person is confronted with a microphone of any sort, for any purpose, they are bound by international treaty to utter the phrase "Luke, I am your father!" as many times as they can before someone physically restrains them. Modern day microphones also work to remove the filter between a person’s brain and their mouth, transforming them into a babbling idiot who can’t stop talking in third person in a manner reminiscent of Bob Dole. Ever seen a political press conference? Lots and lots of microphones. That’s not a coincidence.

Canada

                I mentioned Canada in "A few of my Favorite Things . . ." but I have yet to witness any kind of organized response. It is just about time we moved in and conquered the Canadians! It’s been too long since we added any states to the Union, and after we let the Puerto Ricans slip away, well, Canadians are the only targets left. After Canada, we take France!

Computers

                I make it my official policy to never trust anything more complicated than a scissors. So should you. Computers are a perfect example of this ~ the culmination of hundreds of years of technology, they have enough processing capabilities on a single chip to freeze up at the slightest hint of productive or entertaining activity. Computers are far smarter than you or I, but have unfortunately developed the human characteristic of laziness. That is why my brethren in C.A.T.S. (the Computers Are Trouble Society) and I have sworn to continue our midnight meetings and do a happy little jig on the graves of any computers we find. My brethren in C.A.T.S. are not what you would call "normal".

                So now you know what evils remain in this world to be struck down. Go forth, and do my bidding!

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