Glorified babysitter- Doctor Spock!
His affront(s) toward us: Pointed ears; half Vulcan; does not advocate the pummeling of the young.
How he should die: Slips on rattle during seminar, cracks head on giant prop block.

Pudgy songstress- Linda Ronstadt!
Her affront(s) toward us: Fat.
How she should die: Driven to suicide by ghostly visions of Conway Twitty.

Wacko actor- Judd Nelson!
His affront(s) toward us: Toothy; lousy actor; Prefers Genoa to Sicilian.
How he should die: Slips and falls into LaBrea Tar Pits, no one cares enough to save him.

Tubby pug-boy- Ned Beatty!
His affront(s) toward us: Caucasian afro; Resembles evil clown from Spawn; beady eyes; terse lips.
how he should die: Shows up at next Million Man March in black face & proudly waving a Confederate flag.

Cosby klutz- Malcolm Jamal Warner!
His affront(s) toward us: Hates whitey; sucks at Basket Ball, directing, & Pinochle.
How he should die: Shows up in white face at Ku Klux Klan meeting/cross burning.

Duck-lipped has been- Molly Ringwald!
Her affront(s) toward us: Portly in pink; unsightly freckles; bears strange resemblance to Raggedy Ann.
How she should die: Smashed over head with guitar during The Who reunion tour by senile strummer Pete Townsend.

Senile strummer- Pete Townsend!
His affront(s) toward us: Won't retire; solo career bombed; only friend is Boris The Spider.
How he should die: Sentenced to death in The Chair after brutal murder of Molly Ringwald.

Shriveled heartthrob- Robert Redford!
His affront(s) toward us: Leather-face; resembles Marlboro Man; stinks of Tuna; sends us threatening E-mail.
How he should die: Goaded into 36 hour Smoke-a-thon™ with Sinister Torch™. Lungs just not able to hack it.

Bleached blond flake- Christina Applegate!
Her affront(s) toward us: Tart; supple, yet saggy; chased us from her home with a stick.
How she should die: Spinabifida.

Lost boy-Corey Haim!
His affront(s) toward us: Movies suck; no talent; torrid affair with Corey Feldman.
How he should die: Werewolf attack!

Health freak- C. Everett Coop!
His affront(s) toward us: Busybody; WW2 goatee; shuns our offer of free peach schnapps for life in exchange for George Bush's home phone number.
How he should die: Turns down needle with Dagoberto, opts for line of rat poison.

Pulp waif- Uma Thurman!
Her affront(s) toward us: Paperweight; lousy dancer; allergic to poison ivy.
How she should die: Accepts needle with Dagoberto!

Speed freak- Princess Diana!
Her affrot(s) toward us: Lets friends drive drunk; peacenik; helps the needy.
How she should die: Driven off road by clan of photo-snappin' assassins hell-bent on celebrity death for profit- the evil Papparazi !

The Muslim's sworn enemy- Kevin Bacon!
His affront(s) toward us: In every movie ever made; played basketball with Zulu Savage; stiffs on the tip.
How he should die: Beats out the Iranian Pants Bomber in Hollywood casting call.

Our stupid neighbor- The Guy Down The Block!
His affront(s) toward us: Looks at us funny when we walk down the street; complains about our music; eyeballs our chicks, calls cops on us daily.
How he should die: Keeps pushing his luck, winds up with "Lead Headache."

Betty Ford Clinic regular- Kelsey Grammer!
His affront(s) toward us: Smarmy; balding caucasian afro; unshaven.
How he should die: Shares needle with Dagoberto behind dumpster at Betty Ford Clinic.

Whiney Latina- Rosie Perez!
Her affront(s) toward us: Small breasts; annoying accent; nails-on-chalkboard voice.
How she should die: Shot by Pookie over constant badgering to get a job.

Hefty chocolate mamma- Nell Carter!
Her affront(s) toward us: Fat; grotesquely fat; unbelievably fat; fat.
How she should die: After reading her affronts, she becomes addicted to free-basing SlimFast™, whithers away to nothing.

Blind soulman- Ray Charles!
His affront(s) towrd us: Sucks at Tennis; feigns blindness for sympathy; sucks at videogames; great poker face.
How he should die: Practical joker frees seeing eye dog & ties end of leash to the bumper of a Volkswagon™.

Psuedo-toughguy- Kurt Russel!
His affront(s) toward us: Scraggly; won't share Goldie; Tango & Cash.
How he should die: Ambushed by The Evil Paparazzi.

Chubby antagonist- Drew Carey!
His affront(s) toward us: Physical embodiment of comic star Dilbert; roly poly; pug nose.
How he should die: Snubs Placido Domingo, gets Cuban necktie in return.

Regal Beagle regular- John Ritter!
His affront(s) toward us: Always late with rent; Ferley envy; flaccid.
How he should die: In a fit of drunken rage, takes on and loses fistfight with The Hells Angels.

Prude- Bonnie Franklin!
Her affront(s) toward us: Tease; T.V. daughter Julie strangely resembles lead singer of crappy rock band The Black Crowes; never tipped Schneider.
How she should die: Killed by drunken Schneider over lousy tip at Christmas time.

Portly blackbelt- Steven Segal!
His affront(s) toward us: Success went to belly; under siege; squinty.
How he should die: Teams up for romantic comedy with Sinister Torch!

Kurt's beatrag- Goldie Hawn!
Her affront(s) toward us: Bug-eyed; without makeup - sea hag; dentures.
How she should die: Trips over sagging breasts, breaks neck.

Space Yuppie- Patrick Stewart!
His affront(s) toward us: Kirk envy; mocks the bald; lost race to Millenium Falcon.
How he should die: Strung up by heels and used as pinata by The Borg!

Little woman- Sally Field!
Her affront(s) toward us: Reminds NC of his smarmy bitch sister.
How she should die: Becomes pregnant with 25lb. son of Satan.

Lunkhead- Arnold Schwarzenegger!
His affront(s) toward us: Steroids; can't act; gap-toothed; bum ticker; tiny wee-wee.
How he should die: Distraught over being included in the P.I. Deathwish™, eats himself to death in front of the P.C.

Rappin' Heifer- Queen Latifah!
Her affront(s) toward us: Sucks at Bridge; dont know how it feels to put in a hard day's work; turns down our sexual advances; hates Whitey.
How she should die: Falling meteorite hits rap concert.

Jolly red-cheeked philanthropist- Santa Claus!
His affront(s) toward us: Makes children happy; fat; abuses reindeer/midgets; snooty attitude (lives reclusive lifestyle.)
How he should die: The Iranian Pants Bomber's been naughty this year!

Twin Tatas- The Barbie Twins!
Their affront(s) toward us: There's not more of them; enough silicone between them to weigh down a life raft; dumb.
How they should die: Voodoo ritual gone awry.

Unfunny man- Richard Jeni!
His affront(s) toward us: About as funny as Ebola; crotch monkey; geek.
How he should die: Head crushed in low speed collision with Mr Softee ice cream truck.

Flaming guitarist- Pat Smear!
His(?) affront(s) toward us: Pinched our asses; wears pink socks; partially responsible for the death of Kurt Cobain; strangely resembles Mr. Spock.
How he should die: Drowns in bubbling cauldron of Yak sperm.

Rotund brother- Chris Penn!
His affront(s) toward us: Footloose; fat; easilty agitated.
How he should die: Loses wrestling match with hungry gator.

Screaming sissy- Neve Campbell!
Her affront(s) toward us: Movies sucked; small breasts; gave away ending to "Scream" while on the phone with big mouthed office lackey Pinto.
How she should die: Thrown from top of Fun Time U.S.A., lands on giant clown.

Wigger- Michael Rapaport!
His affront(s) toward us: Living embodiment of Howdy Doody; annoying monotone; caucasian afro.
How he should die: Unfortunate frequent flyer on Sun-Jet Airlines.

Harmonica maven- John Popper!
His affront(s) toward us: Beady eyes; bum hip; huge; sweaty.
How he should die: During Harmonica solo of "Runaround" accidently swallows harmonica and chokes to death. Dies musically.

Boxing battle axe- Kristy Martin!
Her affront(s) toward us: Fights like a man; hefty, torrid affair with Butterbean.
How she should die: Slaughtered by a roving band of futuristic mercenaries from another time.

British sissy rockers- Oasis!
Their affront(s) toward us: Whining geeks; sappy pop tunes; frail; hard to take "bad boy" image seriously when its obvious theyre nervous snivelin mamas boys.
How they should die: Crushed by falling wonderwall

Drummer boy- Ringo Starr!
His affront(s) toward us: Unsightly beard; was in some stupid band; annoying accent.
How he should die: Head lopped off during upside-down maneuver by stunt helicopter.

Hardcore "G"- Omar Epps!
His affront(s) toward us: First time felon; no juice; refused to appear in remake of beach party classic- "Clambake".
How he should die: Sliced in 2 by Captain America's shield.

Chubby gabber- Rosie O'Donnell!
Her affront(s) toward us: Spurned Terror's sexual advances; wanky; chipper.
How she should die: Forced to interview Woody Allen. Dies of boredom from his lame antecdotes.

Militant leader- Jim Brown!
His affront(s) toward us: Hates Whitey; head shaped like football; not fluent in Portugese.
How he should die: Overwhelmed during fistfight with tiny skull aliens!

Militant loser Tim Roth!
His Affront(s) toward us: 2pacs's nigga; unshaven; squinty.
How he should die: Takes a dip in Sheepshead Bay, contracts rare algae disease, dies green & moldy.

Claymation sissy Mary- Davey!
His affront(s) toward us: Unusual relatioship with Goliath; eyes big as beachballs; snubbed Gumby; former smack addict.
How he should die: Attepts to preach to The Crips that God is better than drugs & bitches.