The insatiable Marv Albert!
His affront(s) toward us: Cross-dresses; bad toupee; copped a plea.
How he should die: Bizarre 3-way dildo accident.

Freak man-boy Beck!
His affront(s) toward us: Greasy; awkward; is alone in the new pollution.
How he should die: Loses breakdancing battle to rival crew member- Sinister Torch!

Rat-faced nebbish Steve Buscemi!
His affront(s) toward us: Rodent-like; annoying voice; poor dental work.
How he should die: Flattened by runaway 2-story swiss wheel.

Smarmy music nazi- Kurt Loder!
His affront(s) toward us: Unsightly part; never blinks; refuses to wear tie.
How he should die: Beaten to death by evil twin- Michael Musto!

Canteen boy- Adam Sandler!
His affront(s) toward us: Cant sing; too Jewish for own good; Springsteen envy.
How he should die: Crushed beneath the weighty mass of rotund funnyman Chris Farley!

Psychic fiend- Dionne Warwick!
Her affront(s) toward us: Lied about last week's lotto numbers; plastic smile; refuses to take bull by horns.
How she should die: Driven to suicide by ghostly manifestation of O.G. psychic- Nostradamus!

Geriatric has-beens- The Rolling Stones!
Their affront(s) toward us: Elderly; they are... the living dead!; corporate whores.
How they should die: Simultaneous heart attacks during taxing rendition of Sympathy for the Devil.

Angry TV Dad- Tom Bosley!
His affront(s) toward us: Strangely resembles Ed Asner; portly; republican swine.
How he should die: Shares needle with Dagoberto!

The Toledo Shnozz- Jamie Farr!
His affront(s) toward us: Nose bigger than Pinto's peenie; 1 eyebrow; cross-dresser.
How he should die: Cut down by filthy Koreans.

Militant laugh man- Jamie Foxx!
His affront(s) toward us: No relation to Michael J.; unsightly cornrows; goofy.
How he should die: Wears "its a black thing, you wouldnt understand" T-shirt to Klan rally.

Movie Meister- Gene Siskel!
His affront(s) toward us: Opposite of Ebert; balding; lanky; opinion sucks.
How he should die: Gives thumbs-down to The Iranian Pants Bomber!

Film maven- Roger Ebert!
His affront(s) toward us: Opposite of Siskel; fat; beady eyes; opinion sucks.
How he should die: Gives thumbs-up to The Iranian Pants Bomber!

Multi-colored manfreak- Dennis Rodman!
His affront(s) toward us: Crayola head; Lee press-on tattoos, cross-dresser.
How he should die: Jugular vein punctured by insatiable Marv Albert!

Has-been sitcom dweeb- Donny Most! His affront(s) toward us: Living embodiment of Howdy Doody; caucasian afro, limited wardrobe.
How he should die: Contracts HIV from Pinky Tudscadero (she supposedly shared needles with Dagoberto)

Wetback lackey- Pinto!
His affront(s) toward us: Left us for transvestite; Origami sucks; pompous hard-on; illiterate; cant take a beatin.
How he should die: Shot dead by border guards during trip home for the holidays!

Wannabe Dr. Dolittle- Jack Hanna!
His affront(s) toward us: Lousy toupee; sucks at yodeling; only wears beige.
How he should die: Head lopped off in front of hundreds of screaming children, by angry chimp during "safe" exhibition at the San Diego zoo.

Resident White House egghead- George Stephanopoulis!
His affront(s) toward us: Helps the Prez; helmet-hair; smarmy punk.
How he should die: Taken hostage by the reds; No one cares; Shot dead due to lack of co-operation.

The Gambler- Pete Rose!
His affront(s) toward us: Welches on bets (still owes us a c-note); femminine last name; tiny bat.
How he should die: Tells bookie to "Go f$#@ yourself" after losing 20 grand on Jai-Alai.

3 a.m. Self-help guru- Tim Robbins!
His affront(s) toward us: Encourages people to help themselves; 56 teeth; sickly yellowish tan.
How he should die: Realizes life is futile & his program is a sham, kills himself during live "Regis & Kathie Lee" telecast.

Cranky Wapner wannabe- Ed Koch!
His affront(s) toward us: Says "uhhh" after every 3rd word; caucasian afro; loves NY.
How he should die: Heart attack after doing the horizontal mambo with LuLu- hottest whore on the upper west side!

Roseanne's beatrag- John Goodman!
His affront(s) toward us: Did the nasty with a fatty; publicly denounces our webpage; fat.
How he should die: In a bizarre twist of fate, hops on same elevator as grinning jokemeister Dom Deluise, exceeds 2000lb. weight limit, crashes to ground in falling cannister of pulverizing death.

Publisher's clearing house lackey- Ed McMahon!
His affront(s) toward us: Despite thousands of entries that we send in, we never won SQUAT!; coke-bottle glasses; boozer.
How he should die: Heeeeeerre's.. Cancer!

Tyson's antagonist- Mitch "Blood" Green!
His affront(s) toward us: Whiner; drippy Jheri curls; always showin' up with paper plate around dinnertime, talkin about "Where's mine's, yo?"
How he should die: Gets long-awaited rematch with Tyson, gets his jugular vein gnawed on. Bleeds to death before the ref notices he was fouled.

Albino Rap Star- Ice-T
His affront(s) toward us: Named after beverage; yellow; hates Elvis.
How he should die: Makes the fatal mistake of including the lyrics "and Sinister Torch can suck mah motherf#@kin' dick!" on latest single.

Center square- Paul Lynde!
His affront(s) toward us: Smiley; annoying voice; sucks at parcheezi!
How he should die: Savagely beaten to death by Wayland Flowers' "Madame" puppet!

Our main man Shaft- Richard Roundtree!
His afront(s) toward us: Beefy 'fro; hates Whitey; baaaaad M.F.!
How he should die: No one kills Shaft, SUCKA! RIGHT ON!

4 tons of nubian fun- The Weather Girls!
Their affront(s) toward us: Tubby; refused our request to sing at annual P.I. BBQ/Celebrity auction.
How they should die: Its raining nuclear death.... Hallelulia..

Bossy avant-garde bimbo- Sandra Bernhard!
Her affront(s) toward us: Huge nose; huger lips; spurned our sexual advances in favor of Gary Coleman; small breasts.
How she should die: Hails cab driven by the spectre of alcoholic frenchman Henri Paul, gets chased by The Evil Papparazi!

Oddball comic- Taylor Negron!
His affront(s) toward us: In every comedy ever made; long face; stupid accent.
How he should die: Unfortunate bumper-car mishap.

The TNT Terrorist™ with a flair for theatrics- The Iranian Pants Bomber!
His affront(s) toward us: Only speaks arabic; his religious chanting keeps us awake at night; our bacon ain't good enough for him.
How he should die: Meets his match- The Bavarian Kilt Bomber!

Giggling Nanny- Fran Drescher!
Her affront(s) toward us: Whiney; reused to sign Sheer Terror's penis at grand opening of Sears™; more make-up than Bozo.
How she should die: Trampled underfoot by a pack of rampaging Rabbi's eager to get home before sundown.

Man lover- James Spader!
His affront(s) toward us: Nerd; can't act for shit; Crash.
How he should die: Disected by Dr. Zaos on The Planet Of The Apes.

Country boy- John Denver!
His affront(s) toward us: Prancy; lousy pilot; publically sang with sock puppets.
How he should die: Accidentally mistakes up for down on instrument panel of his personal plane.

Snobby boy toy- Brad Pitt!
His affront(s) toward us: White bread; can't act, Dracula envy.
How he should die: Commits suicide after finding head of his girlfriend in tiny cardboard box.

Troll- Robert Blake!
His affront(s) toward us: Did crime, but did not do time; pasty faced spook; gets highly offended when reffered to as Bob; spends a suspicious amount of time fondling his tiny bird.
How he should die: Accidentally apprehends Sinister Torch during routine prostitution sting.

Comedic wild man- David Allen Grier!
His affront(s) toward us: Substantial fro; failed trigonometry; skipped Million Man March.
How he should die: Dies of boredom while reading P.I. Hates You™!

Bald ebony powerhouse- Ving Rhames!
His affront(s) Hates whitey; failed to return Super Secret P.I. Hand Shake™; drives bent up Hugo.
How he should die: Shot dead by frightened campers after being mistaken for Sasquatch while camping.

Shady character actor- Ray Liotta!
His affront(s) toward us: Cheap; kicked shit out of autograph seeking Pinto; stinks of garlic & oil.
How he should die: Fataly ignores warning shout of FORE while golfing.

Coach- Craig T. Nelson!
His affront(s) toward us: Mocks the bald; beady eyes; jocks Coach from Cheers.
How he should die: Shares needle with new team member- Dagoberto.

Spunky latina- Maria Conchita Alonzo!
Her affront(s) toward us: Greasy; talent = 0; named after banana.
How she should die: Loses Ultimate Fighting Championship bout with original spunky latina- Charo!

The king's wife- Pricilla Presley!
Her affront(s) toward us: Affair with Leslie Nielsen; only married Elvis for the cash; O.J. sympathizer.
How she should die: REAL bad paper cut.

The naked gun- Leslie Nielsen!
His affront(s) toward us: Dense; W.C. Fields nose; confused.
How he should die: Painfully!

Medusa Rocker- Lenny Kravitz!
His affront(s) toward us: Talent = 0; scrawny, called us 'suckers' during MTV interview.
How he should die: Refuses to give autograph to the Iranian Pants Bomber!

Compulsive-obsessive actor- Robert DeNiro!
His affront(s) toward us: Hates Whitey; unsightly mole; savors nipple torture.
How he should die: Nipple torture overdose.

Glorified sock puppet- Senor Wences' Hand!
It's affront(s) to us: Haunts us in our dreams; wacky accent; hairy fingers; owes us 50 bucks.
How it should die: Impaled during masturbation. (Think about it)