Former teen heartthrob, current forgotten zero- Leif Garrett!
His affront(s) toward us: Prissy, sucks at ritual killing; stupid name.
How he should die: Struck down by Thor's hammer.

The "Angel Of Death"- Jack Kevorkian!
His affront(s) toward us: Only kills the sick instead of the stupid; unsightly Adam's apple; no sense of humor.
How he should die: While administering a heaping dose of chemical death to his next.. um.. "patient", an adverse chemical reaction causes the "patient" to morph into a flesh-eating ghoul who makes short work of poor ol' Jack.

Mumbling prick- Stuttering John!
His affront(s) toward us: Stutters; sucks at interviewing; greasy mop head; works for stooge.
How he should die: Bites tongue while stuttering, bleeds to death.

F.B.I. informant- Johnny Depp!
His affront(s) toward us: Ratted on Pacino; can't act for shit; forever prepubescent.
How he should die: Leaves witness protection program.

Gabbering twit- Jenny Jones!
Her affront(s) toward us: Failed breast implants; Sally Jessie envy; homophobic.
How she should die: During T.V. taping, has misfortune of reuniting The Iranian Pants Bomber™ with Allah.

Latino renegade- Lorenzo Lamas!
His affront(s) toward us: Uncanny resemblence to Daisy Fuentes; Snubbed Tito; no Eric Estrada.
How he should die: Tainted Burrito.

Pint sized eccentric- Gary Coleman!
His tiny affront(s) toward us: Reptile farmer, plays with trains; unusually fat lip.
How he should die: Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Grim Reaper?

The 90's answer to 3rd Bass- The Insane Clown Posse!
Their affront(s) toward us: Annoying gimmick; music sucks; adored by teens.
How they should die: Beaten to death by 3rd Bass for sweatin' their cactus.

Raspy slob- Jack Klugman!
His affronts toward us: Messy; gravel throat; alleged sexual relationship with neat freak.
How he should die: Accidently spills stain remover. Disappears.

Crooning tax cheat- Willie Nelson!
His affront(s) towrad us: Hasn't changed pants in 65 years; straw like pony tail; former pimp.
How he should die: Run down by runaway wheat tiller.

Hockey f%$@- Wayne Gretzy!
His affront(s) toward us: Snide; sucks at basketball; perpetual grin.
How he should die: Falls through ice, eaten by Orca.

Twinkle Toes- Tommy Tune!
His affront(s) toward us: Responsible for lousy musicals; happy feet; Astaire envy.
How he should die: Does the "Ol' softshoe on landmine.

Pudgy songbird- Aretha Franklin!
Her affront(s) toward us: Braless; fat, lack of r-e-sp-e-c-t.
How she should die: Sagging breasts caught in escalator, dragged to death on metal steps.

Captain of the high seas- Gavin MacLeod!
His affront(s) toward us: Stubing; treated Isaac like shit, grinning alcoholic.
How he should die: Goes down with ship.

Whining, sniveling, pain-in-the-ass reader- You!
Your affront(s) toward us: You're ugly; no sense of humor; total amount of beer money sent in = $3.89, ya friggin' penny-pincher!; spurned our sexual advances; think this page is a humor page instead of what it really is: right-wing propaganda; most of you named "dexter".
How you should die: Eaten by ghouls, regurgitated, eaten by rabid dogs, regurgitated, licked up by cats, regurgitated, ant food, fat kid with magnifying glass burns ants with your remains in their stomach, fat kid burned up by enraged Sinister Torch, Sinister Torch killed by Iranian Pants Bomber, Iranian Pants Bomber stabbed from behind with dirty needle by Dagoberto, whole thing caught on film by The Evil Papparazi, the heat from their collective flashbulbs cause the world to explode into particles, removing any trace of your worthless existance from record. Thanks for readin'!