Long Jokes
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.
'Ping' as it goes
"This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto".
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?"
Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.
"Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night".
Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag - ***splat *** and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first"
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Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine.
Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a near-by rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened....and heard nothing.
The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened....and still heard nothing.
Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down. Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole.
Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing.
Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here.
The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole.
The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"
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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you."
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
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One day, while walking home from school, young Billy heard a frog call out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
Billy picked up the frog, looked at it, smiled, and put it in his pocket.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess and I'll stay with you for a whole week."
Billy pulled the frog from his pocket, looked at it, smiled, and put it back in his pocket.
The frog called out once again, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a whole week, and you can do ANYTHING you want with me."
Billy pulled the frog from his pocket, looked at it, smiled, and put it back in his pocket.
The frog called out once more, "What more could you want? A beautiful princess who will stay with you for a whole week while you do ANYTHING you want?"
Billy pulled the frog from his pocket, looked at it, smiled, and said, "I'm a computer programmer, a girlfriend I don't need...but a talking frog is really cool!"
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A gentleman (?) and his wife are speeding down the highway when a state trooper pulls them over.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I clocked you speeding at 75 mph. I'll have to give you a ticket."
"No way, officer," says the guy, "I was watching my speedometer closely, and I never exceeded 55 mph."
"Oh, honey," says the wife, "you were going 75, I saw the speedometer."
"Be quiet, woman," he responds.
"Also," continued the trooper, "I'll have to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt."
"But, officer," he responded, "I ALWAYS wear my seat belt. I just took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license and insurance card from the glove compartment."
"Oh, honey," his wife continued, "you never wear your seat belt, and you weren't wearing it today, either."
"Shut-up!" he yelled.
"Excuse me, ma'am," said the trooper, "But does he always talk to you this way?"
"No, sir -- only when he's drunk."
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Frank had been obsessed with sex for most of his life, and after talking to his friends, he decided it would be best to see a therapist. Upon visiting with Frank, the Therapist thought he would try an association test. He took out a pad, and drew a house. "What does this make you think of Frank?", he asked. "Sex!", Frank replied. Then the Therapist drew a ca
don't see how anyone would associate these things with that activity!" "Well Doc.", Frank quickly retorted. "You're the one who is drawing the dirty pictures......
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