What Was…

Elekar heard the Mistress of Novices’ voice from beside her, "The first time is for what was. The way back will come but once. Be steadfast."

Elekar stepped up to the first tall arch, fighting the desire to scream and run away. What was she thinking? This is what she wanted. She wanted to be Aes Sedai. She could do this. She hesitated only a moment. Then she stepped forward, through the arch and into the glow. It surrounded her…

Her father gave her a soft hug before stepping away to open the door before them. Elekar only stood there. She knew this was what she was suppose to do to save her family, to save her family’s name. She was the eldest now and she alone could save the House of Barron. Marrying Falcar of House Dalien was the only possible way. Only her love was for another.

Ganas was a commoner, a servant at her father’s manor. Not a rich man, nor a handsome one, but he was a good man with a soft heart. She had fallen in love with him over the years, and he with her. He was twenty years her senior, but she didn’t care. Love is blind to age. He had treated her with kindness and decency. He was like no other man she had ever met. Their secret courtship had lasted for years. But her father had found them out, and he had sent Ganas away. A Lady with land and title could not marry a commoner, her father had said.

"Come along, my daughter," her father said gently. He was not without compassion for her troubles, but this had to be done in order to ensure the House. "It is time for the ceremony." Lord Alberion touched Elekar’s arm.

She swallowed back the tears as she walked beside her father. They entered the hallway before the Great Hall of Lord Alberion’s manor. Elekar’s sister, Bronwyn was waiting there with the other bridesmaids. She gave Elekar a sad smile as their eyes met. Bronwyn had known of she and Ganas for years. Elekar returned the smile as the servants opened the doors to the Great Hall. Musicians changed their tunes to the Andorian Bridal March and the procession entered the Great Hall.

Elekar walked mechanically beside her father, ignoring the throng of people awing at her elaborate dress. She did not care if she was the most beautiful woman in the world, her heart belonged to another and she could not have him. She put on the face of a Lady and walked with dignity, though her heart felt as if it were being crushed. It did not matter, she had no reason to keep her heart. She placed her feelings in the back of her mind, and stored them there. She would no longer need them.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

She looked questionably at her father. Had he said that? she thought. But her father showed no signs of emotion. They had reached the makeshift altar placed at the end of the Great Hall for the wedding. Elekar did not look at Lord Falcar, she kept her eyes on the priest before her.

The ceremony began slowly, but Elekar did not notice. She stood in a daze. She vaguely realized that her sister was watching her closely, but paid no more mind than that. The priest’s voice droned on.

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

She turned her unfocused gaze to the priest. Did he say that? The priest continued his speech, never removing his eyes from the papers in his hands. Finally, the priest motioned for the two of them to kneel for the vows. Elekar dropped slowly, her heart heavy with defeat.

"Does anyone have any objection to the joining of these two souls?" the priest asked the throng of guests.

The crowd was quiet and Elekar shut out the final anguish she felt in her chest. Suddenly, the crowd stirred and a voice was heard. "I do," a man said. The people turned to look at who had spoken. Elekar turned her head with renewed hope.

Ganas stood in the isle, dressed in his servant clothes, sweat beading on his forehead. "I object to the joining of these two souls."

Elekar’s heart leapt to her throat. He’s alive! she thought. She shook her head in confusion. Alive? Of course he’s alive. Vaguely she recalled hearing news that Ganas had been killed shortly after she reached Tar Valon. Tar Valon? she thought. When had I ever been to Tar Valon?

The way back will come but once. Be steadfast.

Elekar shook her head again to clear it. She was not thinking straight. Ganas is alive! she thought. Quickly, she threw aside her bouquet and ran to meet Ganas. He smiled wide as she ran down the isle, holding her dress so she could run. The crowd gasped in amazement. Her smile was as wide as his, and she felt like she was six years old, she was smiling so broadly. They met in an embrace that quickly found Elekar crying tears of joy.

"Oh, my sweet love," she said through her tears. "You are alive, you are alive!" She stroked his face and touched the gray at his temples.

Laughing, Ganas reached for her hands. "Of course I am alive. I would never leave you for death." His brown eyes shimmered with amusement, "You know that." Lord Alberion had gathered his composure and was making his way to the two of them. "Elekar!" he shouted. "What are you doing? You shall not do this! You have a duty to fulfill!"

Elekar held on to Ganas’ hand as she turned to face her father. "No, father," she said. "I will not fulfill that duty. Ganas is alive, don’t you understand that? Ganas is alive!"

Her father and Ganas both looked at her with a concerned, questionable gaze. "Are you feeling well, my sweet?" Ganas asked her, searching her face for answers.

"But of course I am!" she said. "Oh, you are kind to care so much." She turned to give him a hug. He returned it with a forced chuckle. Elekar opened her eyes as she finished the hug, and noticed a tall silver archway beyond the Great Hall. She blinked suddenly. The arch! The way back! she thought. But no! I can’t! Ganas is alive! I can runaway to be with him now. I do not have to go on without him.

"Lady Elekar!" her father shouted at her.

She ignored him and held onto the embrace. She looked at the arch, she knew she had to go through it. Her heart leapt as she felt the realness of Ganas’ body against hers. I could stay here with him forever, she thought. She squeezed him tighter, then slowly let go. No, this is not real, she thought. I must go back. Pushing away from Ganas, she looked up at him through tears.

"My love," she whispered. "I cannot stay with you. You are dead, and I shall not see you again. I must go on without you now." Ganas opened his mouth to protest, but she laid a gloved finger across his lips. "You will live on in my heart," her voice cracked as she spoke through the tears. "There, you shall never die."

Gently she brushed her lips against his, then let go of his hands to walk passed him to the arch. She felt her heart crumble again. Ganas and her father shouted at her to return. She turned her head to look over her shoulder. Her father’s face was red with anger as he watched her go, but he did not follow her. Ganas had tears in his eyes. She longed to comfort him. She had never seen him cry.

"In my heart, you shall never die," she said and pushed herself through the arch. The light surrounded her…

Cold water washed over her as she emerged. Gasping and sobbing with all her heart, she fell to the floor. Ganas was alive and she had left him. She could have been with him for the rest of her life. She cried as an Aes Sedai she had never met before intoned the ceremonial words.

"You are washed clean of what sin you may have done," the Aes Sedai said, "and of those done against you. You are washed clean of what crime you may have committed, and of those committed against you. You come to us washed clean and pure, in heart and soul."