TO PARAPHRASE: MORDANTLY, YES.

04/29 Well then... Just after I pat myself on the back for not missing that essay deadline, I go and miss a FREAKING exam.  Since I'm such a big dumb idiot, I also let this thing slide to eleven days. Horror! Anyhow, I guess that means April will only be getting three updates hereabouts, not that that's a bad thing. After all, as I've been saying for the past two months or so, school is nearly over! Blah. I've learned not to believe that one. I swear, this damnable school year just doesn't quit, despite the fact that everyone but me is finished : (.  Ah, well.  I suppose that's the price I pay for taking a big pile of nothing courses (and now I get to fail one out of sheer stupidity! That's by far the best part).  Far be it for these gloomy tidings to stop me from doing a column, though. Hell, I just got suspended from work, too, so now I've got all this lovely spare time on my hands. ...So very very bored....

Lonely? Depressed? Oh well.

castomel@hotmail.com

Bored? Ugly? Look no further.

The Archives

A LAWSUIT FOR YOUR TROUBLES?

Meh meh. First off, all these lovely Maple Leafs get to stick around for now, since the Leafs are still alive. Next order of business: The Columbine shooting.  I believe I've already voiced my opinion on this matter, but the delightful, traumatized denizens of Boulder just can't seem to keep themselves out of the news.  After a similar lawsuit failed miserably halfway across the U.S. 3 years ago, these bright, upstanding, and, God love their souls, devastated-by-disasterly money-grubbing bastards have decided to take on the one source of evil that has infested society. I refer, of course, to video games. Yes, according to the press statement(I'd quote directly here, but laziness compels me to paraphrase instead), if it hadn't been for those big nasty video games, the little psychopaths with the guns wouldn't have gone on their rampage. To that end, therefore, these stupid, obnoxious, ill-informed, souls(suffering, of course, from monstrous grief) have opted to sue everyone and their cousin who is involved in the videogaming industry for...<cue Austin Powers sound effect> Five point five bil-lion dollars!</cue> That's right, folks.  Take sixteen lives, throw in some emotional distress, toss in a small town torn apart, and the price quickly mounts up there. Not that they're particularly concerned with legitimacy, given some of the plaintiffs named in this upstanding bit of legal goodness. Yes, Atari has been sued. Atari!!!!! This is a company that had absolutely nothing to do with Doom(the alleged source of the world's misfortune), and has no place in this lawsuit, except to confirm my worst suspicions: That this is a big load of crap. These people and their lawyers could have at least done some research into the situation, but no... They had to go and brainstorm. I can just see the discussion. "Gee, Bob... Atari makes video games!" "Why yes, Phil! Hell, everyone I ever knew had one of them Atari thingamajigs... Let's SUE THEM TOO!!!! YEAH!!!"  After Bob looks at Phil with a note of concern and a tear in his eye, Phil, of course, hastily adds "..For the children, of course. Always for the children, rest their souls."  Give me a freaking break!  I certainly don't condone suing Atari randomly, and I sure as hell don't think any of the other parties they've named have any business being implicated here.  No, I'm afraid this is just a ridiculous example of how our legal system can be used to effectively blame everything except what should be blamed: The fact that these stupid people, and countless other stupid people like them, have created a society ill-equipped to deal with the occasional misfit like the two dumbasses who went on the shooting spree when they happen to arise. In fact, it's woefully unequipped to deal with anything. Take the responsibility here- it's shitty parenting, shitty moral values, and a lack of respect for other people that resulted in this shooting- from both sides of the fence. The kids who went on the shooting spree had no business solving their problems in the manner they did, and the other bastards had no business causing them. If only people would just take responisbility for their actions, we could put a whole bunch of lawyers out of work and make the world a nicer place in the process.  But that would be... why, criminal.  Well, no matter.  People will be people, unfortunately.  I just wish they wouldn't do it in areas that could seriously affect my enjoyment of video games. .... Yeah. I'm selfish. So sue me : )

I motion for gavel enemas for all involved parties.  It'll cure the grief AND keep them squeaky-clean. Not to mention regular.

A HARROWING RIDE

Things never to do on a weekend(or any day for that matter): Go for a ride on the 401 with Mike, a.k.a. Potty Mike, when he's hammered out of his skull.  On this particular day, I had just returned to my room after a spectacularly bad performance on my Anthropology exam(noticing a trend here? Yep, I suck) when my father and his friend, the aforementioned Mike, appeared, much to my surprise. After being rebuked by the porter down on the main floor, Mike nonetheless proceeded to carry an open container of beer up the stairs onto my floor, terrorizing youthful girls in the co-ed washroom, and ultimately dropping my TV from about six feet up on the floor which was (mercifully) carpeted. Anyhow, we then made it out to the car, where he proceeded to try and foist off beer on me. When that failed, he started yelling out the window(which was closed, handily enough) at anyone who happened to meet his fancy(or not, such as the case tended to be).  After pointing out several gay districts which apparently existed everywhere(downtown Toronto: a veritable honeycomb of gay communities, from all appearances) we finally shut him up by giving him some cigarettes, playing some loud music, and driving onto the DVP, which he continually insisted was the Gardiner Expressway. Ornery fellow. All in all, it was a pretty good time, although it was kind of annoying when we drove by a cop and he flashed a smile- and his beer.  Ah, yes. What fun.  Anyway, fortunately he wasn't driving, so it actually was kinda enjoyable.  If only the sandwich from Pizza Pizza at the end hadn't been so damned good.  ...Wait. It was good.  Nevermind.

Hard to say which is the worse indictment of drinking in a car.  Then again, in the case of Degrassi, it was just Darwinism working, so I guess I'd have to say Mike.

LEAFS LEAFS LEAFS!!! ... Aww... They lost one :(

Well, all I can say about last night's game is that it ruled.  Despite the fact the Leafs lost, it was a great game, and it was about as good a loss as can be conjured up. For the uninitiated(probably nobdy who's likely to read this, but hey- who knows?), they went up 1-0, proceeded to fall back 4-1, 5-2, and then tied it! It sure was great.  At any rate, they're coming back to Toronto, so things are still looking pretty good in this department. And as an added bonus, Dallas is losing it up hardstyle! It's a good day to hate Dallas and like Toronto, that's for sure. Onto baseball... Nah. Attendance is still pitiably low, despite first placeness from the Jays.  On a sidenote, I went to my first game of the year last Thursday, and they (predictably) lost... although not before I left. The damned game took 17 innings and nearly six hours!! I only have so much attention span.  Blah.  At least there were lots of drunken New York fans about to make the 16 innings of futile Jaysness(the only inning they scored in was the 3rd) more bearable.  This one dude drove all the way from Pittsburgh, and was without fail gone to get Canadian beer which he couldn't handle EVERY time New York scored. Handily enough, he was present for the entire third inning. Now that just sucks!

Gord Ash is a great guy.  There is no need to mock him. ... ... ... After all, this picture more than does that job for me.

THE GORY(AND ENTIRELY DESERVED) DEATH OF MY KEYBOARD

I believe I've complained before about my horribly ergonomic keyboard. In fact, I know I have... I'm just too lazy to go back in the archives and link it, besides which you probably won't read the old article anyway, so let's just move forward, shall we? Yes, I managed to defeat that loathesome keyboard several days ago with the help of some Bowl Noodle- Hot.  Actually, it was more or less just the bowl at work, although the residue admittedly accounted for most of the horrible damage to the keyboard.  It really was sad, though.  While ergonomicdom was fast approaching its end, I had to make do typing like an AOL lamer for <shudder> several hours. You have no idea how harrowing it is to type in capitals with no spaces and random symbols inserted here and there when you have no control of it. Really. The annoying part is, though, now I can't bitch at my sister about dropping stuff on my keyboards anymore, cuz I've done it myself, and that would just be hypocritical. She's destroyed no fewer than four keyboards, though. Her methods vary; one day, water, another, orange juice, and one day, in a fit of creativity, an entire bowl of cereal.  What exactly she was doing with cereal over the keyboard is anyone's guess, but it cost me $30.00, so I'm still irritated over it. Still, it is great not to have to worry about ergonomics anymore.  Eat that, Aunt Fanny!

Bow Noodo: Hot! Mwehhhh... Oh, yeah... Be forewarned: this product is absolutely horrible for your digestion(although insanely delicious :p~)

AND IN CONCLUSION

Well, by the time you read this, I'll be finished. Yeah, whatever. I'm not gonna think up something useful here, so just stop reading and get on to the adventures of Intrepid Baby.

THIS WEEK: The intrepid trio have gone to Korea in search of Hot Bowl Noodle in an effort to further their schemes. Unfortunately, the babymobile mistakenly went into North Korean territory, and the three are being held indefinitely.

INTREPID BABY SAYS:

Blast! Whose idea was it to go into North Korea? WHOSE??? ?I demand blood! Or maybe milk! Yes... Either would be delicious...

INTREPID BABY BACKRIBS:

INTREPID MINISTER OF SCAMPTACULARITY:

Don't forget me! I'm delicious too! And I sizzle in at 35% less fat than mutton ribs!

Wow! I'd be a fool not to eat you!

INTREPID BABY BACKRIBS:

Eat me??!? AHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Go Home! Inmediately!