BADASSERY ABOUNDS
05/23
Yes, that's right. I'm such a badass I stayed home from school today just to bring you this update. Well, that's not entirely accurate. Actually, I stayed home from school today because I forgot to bring my school stuff with me on Thursday(Friday was student parliament speeches, and since I'm going to University next year anyway, I figured my presence there wasn't exactly mandatory) and I had a few things that just might've been due. So hopefully I can manage to do some fast talking and hand them in without losing TOO many late marks.. Anyhow, I'm just gonna eat breakfast(Yeah, I know it's ten after one) and then get on with things.
Here's some of the fun I could've been having had I gone to school today. Of course, this being referred to as fun hinges upon my smoking, going to that school, and propensity to hang around Honda Civics. Since I'm 0/3 in those departments, I guess this picture is pretty much irrelevant. Which is why it's a good thing I used it, because else I would've had to delete it.
THE MOUSE IN MY GARBAGE: A RETROSPECTIVE( I WISH)
You'll recall from a couple weeks ago, there was a mouse running around in my garbage. That little bastard was actually just one of many... 18 all told, at last count. See, the problem with mice is, to paraphrase David Eddings, "Nobody's found a way to kill all the [mice], and it only takes one." We managed to catch seventeen of the little rodents in two days, but after that, the flow sort of dried up. Then, of course, came the inevitable sounds of scurrying and rummaging that spoke louder than words of the fact that we still hadn't managed to purge the lot of them. So the new solution? Super Mouse Treat. This ingenious confection, in addition to tasting good(at least, with a name like Super Mouse Treat, you'd assume that'd be the case), also has the benefit of causing instant haemophilia. Now, this doesn't seem all that severe, but I suppose it turns the mice into flaccid little sacks of juice. Humans are just really, really, cautioned against eating it. Anyhow, the inherent cruelty aside, I hope the little jerks get killed. KILLED! I want blood, dammit!
This is the fellow whose line I decided to rip off there. Overlooking the fact that he's trying his level best to look like Tolkein here, he's a pretty decent author(except for the fact that he can't seem to come up with an original plot). Incidentally, I have no idea who Richard Heinzen is. Nifty photographer, I suppose.
PEOPLE WHO ARE BITTER AT MCDONALD'S
While trolling the internet last night, I came across a site that found itself incredibly humourous. I was pissed off because I tried to update my page, but, wouldn't you know it, Netscape crashed about fourteen times on me, so giving up on that notion(although I did manage to change my opening page around a bit) I wandered off to the url www.geoshitties.com(yes, I was feeling bitter : ) ) Once there, I was sent to the site's actual index, the Juicy Cerebellum(which no doubt indicates a towering sense of intellectual superiority). Since I was awfully bored, I messed around at the site a little longer and came to a page where they were lamenting McDonalds' destruction of the world in the name of upsizing combos. Now, last time I checked, nobody was forced to eat at McDonald's. In fact, I try to avoid it like the plague on most occasions. At any rate, they made some outlandish claim that McDonald's causes the extinction of 1000 species a day. The thing is, it's not just McDonalds' fault. There's a certain responsibility to be directed at the fatasses of this world who feel the need to eat eighteen burgers at a sitting, even as small as the burgers may be. There's also the other restaurants that are down there, ranching out cattle on shitty soil that's liable to melt off into the ocean at a moment's notice. I'm not suggesting that McDonald's is entirely blameless in this matter, but there's simply no justification in bashing them when the responsibility is quite clearly shared among everyone who's ever eaten there as well. On the other hand, the place is quite a stroke of marketing genius. It caters to kids, and then drags the parents in for another hit of McFries(that's why they have 'special potatoes'... they're addictive.) Keep that going, and you've got the entire population under your spell. Bastards...
Look at poor old Bessie here. How could you blame her for the ills of the world?
While I'm on this subject, the dumbasses at that page likened McDonald's to a giant mechanical spider. Now, I don't know about you, but I happen to like spiders. McDonald's is much more like a giant, evil-looking, baby penguin such as this one. Fear its wrath!
THE CARNIES ARE BACK IN TOWN
Well, yesterday was Victoria Day, or as most people prefer, the last day of May 2-4 weekend. As such, the Carnies came to town. The Carnies are a bunch of disreputable characters who come with about 50 RVs and a bunch of rickety looking rides which give the impression that a strong cough could capsize them. They follow the time honoured principle of the fair: If it goes around in circles, it's fun. Fun, in this case, is a loosely used term; in addition to causing an incredibly irritating high-pitched hum that reverbrated through my neighbourhood for four days while the Carnies were in full swing, the few rides they had probably cost about four dollars a ride(I'm basing this total on my little sister's previous visits; I wouldn't touch the place with a ten-foot pole). Add to that the nauseating music blaring from the loudspeakers, the highest concentration of fourteen year olds(sorry to any who may happen to read this, but after being asked to buy cigarettes even once I was tired of the whole lot of you, and then one little punk, with a cigarette already behind his ear, came up to my friend and asked him for a smoke. See, the overriding principle here is that when you're 19, you don't smoke to appear cool. You smoke cuz you got addicted when you were 14 and trying to appear cool, so as a result, many 19 year olds a) don't carry cigarettes, b) probably wouldn't give them to little fuckballs like you if they did and c) probably wouldn't buy them for you either... unless they were nice. I'm not nice, so don't ask!) Anyhow, the Carnies, in addition to being very, very, noisy, also caused rampant brown outs, and left a faint odour of sewage in the air when I walked by the Carnie town, an assortment of the RVs I mentioned previously. Finally, one of their groupies(???!! I know... odd, no?) was stalking one of my sister's friends... he came into the McDonald's she worked at 7 times in one day asking for her, once even after she went home. In conclusion, Stupid Carnies!
This ride follows the basic Carnie principle of circular motion; however, I shudder to think of the results that Carnies would get if they tried this... probably two dozen lawsuits, a gaping hole in the concrete, and some bloody garbage on the side.
An energy-efficient lightbulb, quite unlike the million or so flashing lights used by the Carnies to advertise their rickety ferris wheel. Lord, I hate Carnies.
A QUICK WORD OF INSPIRATION:
SLEAZY RUSSIAN PORN SITE NAME OF THE DAY:
Boobtropolis
"Don't be a slacker, Johnny Jacker!"
- Doug Annan
a Boobtropolis model. Note the evocative blue brassiere, and jauntily cocked yellow hat. The striped pants add an air of sexcitement. Oh, wait. This picture is entirely unrelated to porn. Ah, well. That's not surprising, considering this is Geocities and all.
A RANDOM CASCADING THOUGHT:
If mares eat oats and does eat oats, why do little lambs eat ivy?
This picture just fit too well not to put in.
ANOTHER:
Wow.. IE just crashed instead of Netscape! Amazing!
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
Why the hell did they put me in this stupid hat? I want milk, dammit! Ohh... this fuzzy coat is quite delightful, however... or at least it would be if I was a FREAKIN' GIRL!
THE END IS IN SIGHT! RUN AWAY! OR AT LEAST READ IT
Anyhow, all the excitement has gone out of my life now that the Carnies are gone. Skipping school also loses its edge when you've done it 20 or 30 times, so I'm not particularly excited about that end of things either. Even the badassed thrill it once had when I was 15 has vanished, to be replaced by the nagging sense that I probably should have gone to school. Oh, well. What can you do?
.... Yes, I suppose I could go to school.
Go Home! Inmediately!
Hmm... Maybe reverse psychology'll work... don't even think about sending me email!