Born a grizzled prospector in the highlands of Scotland, Ryan was early on taught the value of a good story. After chopping down the family cherry tree, he blamed contemporary George Washington. His early life was good, and he killed him a bar when he was only three(Association, that is, not bear. Killing bears is wrong). But soon his peaceful life was to be shattered and he was abducted by aliens.
"The more people found in a group, the lower the collective intelligence."
Trapped aboard the Mothership, Ryan was put inside a giant alien gumball machine where he lived in constant fear that the next coin in the slot would drop him into the hands of a waiting extraterrestrial. That is, until he discovered that the yellow sun, so unlike the green sun of his homeworld, gave him special powers not possessed by ordinary humans, whose powers were not special. He found that he could move more quickly than... very fast objects, he was mightier than... large metal things, and he could jump over... big things with singular effort. But more importantly, he had a cell phone in his possession with which he called the Space Marines. Set free at last, he hitchhiked the million light years back home.
"If you wait long enough in a parking lot or checkout lane, you will meet everyone you ever knew."
Splashing down in the Atlantic or possibly the Pacific, he was picked up by a passing dirigible, the Hindenburg. Unfortunately, he was thrown off for not having a ticket. Fortunately, a passing ocean liner, the Titanic, picked him up. Unfortunately, he was left on an ice burg after picking a fight with Leonardo DiCaprio. Fortunately, while waiting for something else to happen, the Donner party came along and together they set off for a new life in California. Unfortunately, he was separated from his fellow travelers when they were all attacked by ravenous, half-mad penguins. Fortunately, he escaped relatively unharmed. Unfortunately, he was found by a pack of ravenous, completely mad penguins. Fortunately, he leapt into the sea and was never heard from again. Rumors say that perhaps he joined up with a bunch of lovable merfolk under the sea where he resides to this day, singing happy songs and using sea creatures as instruments. Other rumors say he drowned.
The next known record of Ryan occurs when he was found by a special Anti-Hollywood Task Force, chained to a desk in a secret sub-basement sweatshop where he had apparently been forced to produce children's television shows for the SOX network. Among his credits, such popularly mind-numbing shows as "The Floating Exploding Disembodied Severed Head of Death" series, "The 'What will Donny eat for money?' Show", and the "Lame Predictability Hour". Rushed to the trauma ward of Philbert Sepulveda Memorial Hospital, Bar, and Grill, he was pronounced dead on arrival. Then the toaster was replaced with a heart monitor and he was pronounced alive again. Never had a man been so relieved to have been told that he was indeed alive. Having just been saved from a fate worse than death and then a fate equal to death, Ryan vowed to never again use his powers for evil and not good. He was immediately abducted by circus people.
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"People who feel that their opinions can best be expressed by a bumper sticker would be better off writing their phrase on their foreheads and mounting their skulls on the bumper, thus saving a much more valuable sticker."
Records become sketchy at this point, and Ryan's personal diary remains the only written account of his travels. The incoherant ravings of a mad man, expert lunatics have managed to decipher only that Ryan was forced to wear a tie, put in a freakshow, and billed as "Mr. Tie". It is believed that he finally escaped using a rusty sock to jimmy the lock of his cage, the result being the subsequent admission of over thirty circus clowns and three rodeo clowns into the emergency room with severe tie burns. The episode in the circus, entertaining millions of people, would leave an indelible mark on Ryan, and he would never laugh again.
Important Rule for Success in Life #4: Never wear a dress.
A desperate, wanted fugitive, Ryan quickly learned to cleverly disguise himself as a left-handed individual. Baffling FBI, KGB, SWAT, KFC, and the Secret Service for months, he became something of a folk hero, if folk hero means someone who hangs out at a donut shop with police officers constantly saying, "It couldn't be me, I'm left-handed." Finally tiring of his life on the run, Ryan turned himself in, and due to a congenital illness known as "Jail Allergies", he was released. After all, making a prisoner uncomfortable is against the law, and he hadn't actually done anything wrong. Not that it matters.
Ryan was finally free to devote his time to his life's goal: The complete and utter subjugation of world and total global domination... whichever came first. Destroying all the world's lame leaders and also Barney, Ryan caused a massive panic that dropped the Dow Jones average by 200 points, then raised it by 450. The aimless and directionless masses turned their tearful eyes to him for guidance and he gave them television but didn't allow them to watch it because he was still mindful of his vow to do good and not evil. Contented by the large blank screens, the Earth became a place of peace and harmony, where all people get along with one another, where no one wears hats, where mass transit always runs on time, and where everyone shows proper dining ettiquette by keeping their elbows off the table, saying "please" and "thank you", and extending their pinkies when drinking out of miniscule tea cups. After defying the Laws of Physics for so long, he used his new found power to amend several of them, and he converted anyone who complained into pure energy. He added one point three hours to the average week day, two hours to Saturday, and decreed that everyone would sleep in every day and enjoy their additional two hours of weekend or else. The people rejoiced. Then he raised Atlantis, found Amelia Earhart, reconciled Nessie and Champ, stopped three separate alien invasions, saved the world from an impending collision with a meteor, eliminated live action children's shows, drove the snakes out of Ireland, won the Nobel Prize for World Dictatorship, and wrote a best-selling novel. Having accomplished all that in two days, there wasn't anything else left to do. Ryan leaned back, laughed maniacally, put his elbows on the table, and said, "Life is good."
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