Dread Stories

-----The ancient and wizened hobbit shambled forward, with the aid of his oaken walking stick. Clasped tightly under his right arm was a moldering tome, leatherbound, the pages yellowing with age. Placing the book upon the lectern, the aged halfling said to the gathered crowd, "Yea, let us read aloud from the Book of Dread. May his words enlighten and teach us all. May they remind us of happier times, before the onslaught of the Eastern Sawoojian Bugtussle apes, who killed all the humans and now rule our fair Terrene. Let us all strive to embiggen ourselves as the great one did and remember that he, himself, sprang from but humble beginnings. For there was a time before the Dread Pirate became the savior of the realm, reunited the Lathanian Empire, and invented soylent green. Forsooth, there was a time before he ascended to the heavens and became the benevolent lord god of the halfling folk. Let us all hear his teaching and words of wisdom, so that we may rest by his side in halfling heaven, where the ale is free and wanton womenfolk can be found at every crossroad."
-----The aged halfling leafs through several pages, finally settling on a particular page, blearily blinking at it several times, then finally reading aloud, "Captain's log, Argor provinces...Herein are the earliest memoirs of The Dread Pirate Gimplefwick Whispybeard....." the halfling drones on, reading aloud from the book....