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"Them`s Campin` Words" is a factionalised autobiographical account of the adventures of the Kubach and Evans families. "Them`s campin words" is a running joke between two families. When we get too cheeky with each other we call the Campin` Words. This is how we are with each other and is not necessarily suitable or appropriate behaviour at any other time. The term "Good Evans" is a pun, one of the many we have for each other. "The sun is over the yard arm" is also one of our silly sayings. The piece is a light hearted but mostly factual account of the pitfalls of camping for the uninitiated and sometimes, the experienced campers. All the places named in the story we have been to many a time.

"Them`s Campin` Words" is written in third person as I am the narrator and I do know everything that happened, as I am also in the piece; but I am writing from another persons` point of view. I wrote this piece in contrast to another piece I was writing which was emotional, so I needed something to cheer me up. Therefore I wrote about a subject that is close to my family and myself in a humorous way. Some of the details have been toned down to protect the innocent? (The narrator, from some of the characters! GOOD EVANS!)

INTRODUCTION

Camping to the Kubach and Evans families is a religion. Well, the closest thing that they will ever get to one. Drinking is never done until the sun is over the yardarm, by most of the family members anyway. Playing cards is a right, at breakfast lunch or tea. But no matter how many years you have under your 'belt' something always goes wrong.

CHAPTER ONE

Selina sat close to the blazing campfire drinking a cup of re-heated pumpkin soup. She was lucky in a way, that soup was ill-fated from the moment Vanessa, Selina's mother put the pot of soup on the bonnet of the car, half spilling the contents on the ground. "Oh shit!" Vanessa complained, as she hurriedly picked it up and wiped the sides. She was just about to put the soup back on the car when Selina's dad Paul piped up. "Don't you dare Vanessa, pack it away in the car!" Vanessa muttered and grumbled darkly as she packed the soup in the back of the car.

When it came to teatime at the campsite she told the story of the soup with great delight. Peter, Vanessa's brother (Selina's uncle) said with a laugh "You idiot! There's still grass in mine." The night rolled on with lots of cards, jokes and drinking, especially by Peter, late into the night.

Bright and early the next morning the parents were woken by joyous screaming and laughter. Jan, Peter's wife (Selina's auntie) staggered out of bed and shook her head in disgust. Her children, Selina's cousins, Lisa and Kylie were running around in the very fine black dirt with Vanessa's children Selina, Melissa and Amanda. "We're having a dirty feet competition. See!" Selina explained. With that they all raised their feet and showed Jan. Their feet were pitch black, which stood out like a full moon on a dark night, against their lily-white legs. "Well keep it down please, Uncle Peter and I are not feeling well." Jan pleaded. "Is that because you drunk a lot last night?" Lisa questioned. Jan shook her head and staggered back into the tent.

In the evening everyone was hungry, so Vanessa shared the last packet of Kool Mints around. Vanessa started with a white coloured Kool Mint, but by the time they reached Selina at the end of the semi circle they were black as her feet! She scrunched up her nose, closed her eyes and put it quickly in her mouth.

Later on that night when everyone was in bed Selina and her dad Paul heard some rustling noises coming from the annexe of the tent, followed by a "POP!" and then "Slurp, Slurp, Slurp." Paul unzipped the tent door and looked into the annexe with a torch. "Where's your softball bat, the bloody possums have crawled up the sleeve of my coat and are into the soup!" Paul said. As Selina passed him her bat, he jumped out of bed and started chasing three possums around the annexe of the tent. There was a lot of screeching and well selected four letter words before he removed the problem out of the tent.

The next night Paul laid some very hot curried sausages out for the possums to have. About a half-hour later possums started zooming across the campsite. Up the trees down the trees, jumping on the tents, off the tents and raced for the nearest water. But the water had fish in it earlier on in the day. (It had fish slime in it and tasted and smelt just like fish.). They still fought over it though, to ease the burning sensation from curry in their mouths. The two families sat and watched the possums running around everywhere, while they laughed themselves silly. In all their years of camping they had never seen a possum drink, let alone fight over fishy water.

The possum's charades lasted long after everyone had gone to bed. The possums were sill zooming around in the early hours of the morning.

The two families were travelling around Tassie a few years later and Peter had an old bomb of a car that was always breaking down. About a week into their travelling he started to have more engine trouble. Jan was getting frustrated very quickly. Until finally she was at the end of her tether. Peter was taking the engine apart at the side of the road. With Jan pacing up and down the road saying "I want a divorce, I'm getting a divorce, I'm going home!" With that she started up the road leaving them there. Tossing pebbles onto the road was the children's main concern, while Vanessa helped Peter with the car, leaving Paul to look after the screaming, sunburnt and extremely tired kids.

Forty minutes later Jan came back up the road with her face the colour of a beetroot. She burnt easily. Paul sighed "another child to look after." Annoyed at the little attention she was receiving Jan went and sat in the passenger side of Vanessa's car and refused to budge.

Vanessa eventually coaxed her out and into her own car. They were on there way again.

A few years later they were camped at 'Coles Bay' and they decided to walk to 'Wine Glass Bay'.

NB: This should not be attempted with four children under the age of fifteen, in the middle of summer in warm clothing as it may cause

As they arrived at the car park they noticed a religious man, who obviously had too much sun. He was praying, almost shouting out loud in an excessive manner to a car? With one hand on the bonnet of the car and the other hand pointing to the sky. "Praise the lord! Make it my car start! Heal this car my lord! Make it start my lord! Make it start!" He shouted vigorously.

They were all tempted to say something, especially Peter; he was itching to have a go at him. But they shook their heads and kept walking. Peter and Lisa took off, leaving the others for dead. The rest of the party ran into trouble about half way up. Both Amanda and Kylie had short stumpy legs. Every time they got to a big rock, which was often, they had to be lifted up. They were almost to the first little creek when....... "Mum, I'm hot." Amanda winged. "Mum, I'm hot and tired." Kylie whined. "MUM!" They whined in unison. "All right! We know ok, we will stop in a couple of minutes." Both Jan and Vanessa shouted back. "What's a couple of minutes?" Amanda replied. "When we get to a small creek we will stop ok!" Vanessa said, getting frustrated with the barrage of annoying questions. "How long do we have to go?" Kylie questioned Jan. This went on until they got to the creek. They felt like strangling the kids. Or distracting them long enough for them to get away. So Paul would be left to their mercy!

After much effort they were finally at the halfway mark at the look out. "The view from here is fantastic." Jan said in awe. Looking back at the overheated kids and Paul, Vanessa replied, "Makes you think it was all worth it. By the way where are Lisa and Peter?" "They must have gone down the other side." Jan moaned. Pigging out on a mangled Red Skin and half a box of stale biscuits was their only sweet relief before heading down the other side.

On the way down they passed some hikers on their way up. There was one that they all took note of. An exhausted young girl with a large backpack on sat down on a rock and started to cry hysterically. "Oh god! Imagine what we will be like on the way back." Vanessa said dreading the thought. "We will probably be carrying the kids out!" Jan said with a shudder. In front of them they could hear Paul laughing. "Good Evans! You can see you bum through the split in your pants Kylie!" He said taunting poor little Kylie. Immediately she plonked herself on the ground and burst into tears and had to be carried for the next five minutes. "Can I be carried too if I split my pants?" Amanda asked hopefully.

After much melodrama they were nearing the beach, with much excitement Vanessa bellowed at the top of her voice....."COOOOOEEEEE!" Everybody was looking at them as they arrived at the beach even Peter and Lisa had stayed near the entrance to wait for them, (how nice?). "How embarrassing, everyone looked up to the hills when you did that Vanessa. When we heard that we knew that you weren't too far away, so we came up here to meet you." A red faced Peter said. "Don't lie Dad, you just wanted another look at those topless women." Lisa said smartly. Jan's face went the colour of a beetroot as she marched up the beach, with Peter running to catch up. Finally they got to have their well-earned swim, but they couldn't carry their bathers, so they stripped off like everybody else. The two families spent most of the day there and finally headed back when the sun was not so harsh.

Clumsy Melissa twisted her ankle as they were almost at the car park. She let out a scream that could probably be heard from the other side of the 'Hazards'. But there was no chance of her being carried by Paul as she was definitely too heavy!

Finally they had reached the car park and checked to see if the crazy man was still there. Guess what? He was! But they remembered the golden rule of camping, never, ever tease someone else if they have broken down (even if it is mentally!). Because it will happen to you. Quietly the chuckled to themselves, hopped in their cars and headed back to the campsite.

They still remember that man. Often they wonder what ever happened to him. Did someone eventually jump-start his car? Amusing question that lingers in their devious minds! These are only a select few stories from our 'Collection'. But there are still quite a few more to tell. You can run into some pretty funny things over seventeen years of camping! GOOD EVANS!

Feel free to me and tell me what you think.

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