The Bishop's Trumpet

Archaeologists are flocking to Londinium this week to examine the stunning discovery in Anglia of some huge golden statues and vessels. 

The ancient treasures, sunk in a lake for the last five hundred years, are apparently the relicts of the ancient Volcae Testosterones, a Gallic tribe that fled the Roma Empire to Britain. 

The cache was found by the fisherman Hermannus Heavyhead, who was reported to have said "Corr, we'll be rich forever!!" before attempting to sell them privately in Londinium. 

The King, Litwin Redeye, has taken temporary charge of the relicts, after promising suitable recompense for the discoverers, as provided by ancient law. 

There is already a bidding frenzy over these relicts, with the Imperial Museum apparently offering as high as 300 Talents for the right of ownership. 

St Caius of Verginetum, speaking on behalf of King Arturus of Britannia, strongly condemned the Angles for alienating the ancient treasures of "this proud island", and pronounced anathema upon the impecunious King Litwin. 

We hope to bring you exclusive photos of these amazing objects d'art in a forthcoming colour supplement.

After last seasons' riots, capped by the lynching of General Auxitias Comnenus, the capital seemed to have finally found some more restful time, with the current Emperor, Babylas the Boozer, holding an extended feast for the whole city in honour of St Sophia. 

Now, however, the lowering clouds of rebellion have sent forth a thunderstorm, as the brave Nikephoros Dukas, former Governor of Tripolitania, led an enormous force of troops, accompanied by uncounted thousands of Moorish auxiliaries, in an unexpected naval descent upon Constantinople. 

Nikephoros, previously known in the capital only by his legendary capacity for losing money on the chariots, proved his ability in storming Constantinople, and seizing the Emperor Babylas. 

The Empress Theodora, and her eldest son John, then led the rest of the resistance, and enough of the street mobs rallied to their flag as to drive Nikephoros off briefly. 
 
We understand that Nikephoros is wintering off the land around Constantinople, prior to attempting another assault: with the current Emperor held in his camp, there is likely to be prolonged confusion within the Empire, unless one of the Magister Milites see fit to march on the capital.

Today the ravening Greeks let loose their hordes on yet another unsuspecting Persian city, as Adiabene fell to their onslaught. Innocent children spitted, women ravished, houses torched and temples desecrated, the scene here was one taken from the worst imaginings of Sheol. 

This correspondent personally witnessed these visions of suffering and torture, afoot once his carriage had been commandeered by the filthy, verminous Greeks. 

The scrofulous chieftain of these vile troops, that doddering fool Vigilius Palaeologus, stood upon a (Familiar-looking) carriage to address his fellow vermin, promising them loot & rapine from one end of Persia to the other. 

Persamene, Atropatene, Azeribadjani, Arzanene, Adiabene, Arabaye, Kalah, Seleukia ... how long will the great King of Kings let this ravishment go on, before he bestirs himself from his throne in far Persepolis, and avenges his people?  For it is sure that no paltry Greek can withstand him, once his wrath descends upon them.

It appears that the last days of the once-mighty Empire of the Blemmye have arrived. As I write, the last remnants of this former rival for the Persian might are cowering in their final hideyhole, awaiting the vengeful arrival of King Meles of Alwa. 

The final overthrow of this Empire will doubtless bring many new challenges to its neighbours, particularly the Roman Empire (always noted for its vigorous foreign-policy responses), and has been awaited for some years. 

It would appear the final act commenced when Meles met with Tariq of Arabia, and agreed to divide the heartland into equal shares for the both of them. 

It is still not clear which of these two has laid hands upon the fabulous Treasure of the Pharaohs', stolen from Thebes when the Blemmye were at their height of glory. Doubtless this will become apparent when one or other floods the market with melted-down gold, emeralds and diamonds, but in the meantime, many rulers are sending agents to find the Crystal Throne that was part of this unbelievable Treasure.
 

• The Romans are reported to have lost heavily among their Adriatic fleet, following heavy storms in that Sea
• The King of Italia has announced that he has dispatched an entire fleet to seek out new habitations across the Oceanus. "Europa is too small to hold the Glory of the Goths", he is reported to have announced.
• The Army of Britain is reportedly suffering severe grain shortages
• The rioting in Medina and Mecca, briefly quiescent, has re-started, led by the charismatic Abdullah of Alexandria.
• The Egyptians have reconsidered their invasion of Nobatia, and are pulling back behind their borders.
• The Gaetulian Regent is reported to be instituting a massive spy-hunt in his High Command

With the advent of the latest Wendish intrusion into Hochtel, the ancient problem of Schleswig-Holstein raises itself again. 

While the Wends claim ancient rights to this city, and produce many an ancient treaty and marriage vow, the ink still wet upon them, the Jutes have sworn never to give an inch of ground to the Wends. 

Will this lead to the Austrasians asserting their rights to Hochtel, birth-place of the grandfather of King Chlodoweg? Or will Chlodoweg be too busy turning back the masses of frantic skiers who've descended from the Alps to look for ale supplies in Forum Iulium and Adricons?


And whither goeth the Eucii, now that they have conquered half of Austrasia?

[reprinted from MEGO publications]

A series of accidents and illnesses seems to have stricken the Great and the Good all over Europa this autumn. In Italia, no less than four of the elite have succumbed to various ills in a terminal fashion, together with two others laid up with tertian fevers. In Byzantium, two generals have died untimely (three if you count Auxitias, the promising young Comes lynched by rioters), and the Persians have lost four of their more promising satraps. 

The ancient and aged ruler of the Arabs has survived - so far - but the same cannot be said for all his subordinates, and we understand that Vithmiris of Afrika has been immobilised by his recurrent ingrown toenail problem. 

The saddest case is doubtless Prince Majnid of Gaetulia, who apparently has spent the whole of Autumn laid low with a dreadful case of flatulence. Apparently the only time he ventured onto his horse - desparate to escape the approaching Afrika Corps - the violence of his eruptions literally blew him onto the ground.

Following on from crushing the vile Vicas of Baltia and his fellow-bandits from the Slavmark, King Mroz of Kolotchine has launched an assault on the Slavmark, announcing that he is resuming his family's claims to ruling that land (pursuant to the antique claims of the Principality of All the Slavs). 

We understand that Mroz has sealed his safety on the southern border, by marrying one of the daughters of the Khagan of Khazaria, prior to launching his assault on the Slavmark. 

Rumour has it that the King has crushed the remaining opposition in Slavmark at another decisive battle at Mroz. 

Meanwhile, vile Vicas has slimed his way over the Kolots border again - no doubt he will scurry back to his rat-hole of a country as soon as Mroz returned, festooned with victory and Khazar allies. 

Editors note: After the disappearance of our new correspondant, Hirtulix, while seeking an interview with Prince Vicas, we again seek a new reporter for our Slav division.

It was reported that St Otto, patron of Lost Causes, made a visitation to a village in lesser Briton, causing widespread fervour and zeal, and many conversions from the Keltic Church to the One True Faith, swearing allegiance to the Holy Father. St Otto apparently predicted the downfall of Arturus, and the ascendancy of the Franks over the Angles within Britannia 

Agesilaus Tzimiskes, chief Resident at the Byzantine Liberal Institute of Science Studies (BLISS), today condemned the several Journals (including this organ) for being deceived by the Avar Institute of Equestrian Studies, and their supposed "stirrup". 

After producing innumberable soporific charts and diagrammata, the Resident proved that this so-called breakthrough was in fact a sham, a device to scare infants and nothing more. 

"Reliance on the Kontos and the Mace must be the way forward for all true-thinking military researchers", said the Honourable Tzimiskes. 

The Magister Militum per Orientum today announced the opening of a new Fabricium Agistos in Asia Minor. 

The new limited company is designed to explore for, and exploit, silver deposits found in this region. 

The initial share release has apparently been heavily over-subscribed, and will be allocated pro rata, on a quid pro quo basis, announced Magister Cerularius.