The Bishop's Trumpet

"Summer's here and the time is right 
for battles in the fields" 

This summer has seen the dastardly Neustrian plot over overloading the continental water supplies with Male Growth Hormone pay deadly dividends. 

Frenzied clashes are occurring all over, with many an army senslessly throwing itself at the enemy. Mayhem and murder abound, and none is safe on their throne, no matter how peacable they may be. 

Included in the mayhem so far are: 
 

• Serbs invading Italia
• Persians struggling for freedom from Roman barbarians at Ctesiphon
• Byzantines valiantly defending civilsation against the barbaric Langobards at Castrum Gothici
• Sogdians fending off the Juan hordes at Mirziqan
• Arabs steadily extending the frontiers of civilisation at Oman
• Byzantines locked in conflict with the avenging Nubians
• Visigoths nakedly devastating the countryside & stirring up revenge among the Maurians
• Eucians ravaging north Austrasia and clashing with the Austrasian rabble at Soravum
• Saxons boldly fending off the enormous swarms of Wends and Franks at Miessen
• Angle tourist buses set alight & passengers molested by subhuman Britons at Arcus
• A plague of Britons descending on Londinium to be fended off by the Saxons.
• Balts and Goths fighting desparately over the shrinking sardine catch in the Baltic.
• The extermination and cleansing of the upper Balkans by the Khazars

We call upon all nations to send a contingent from their army to Marseilles, to form a crusade for the Undoing of the Neustrians. 

First we have alleged mass infiltration of our armed services by mithraist pagans, Now we have riots in the streets over the fact that the emperors faction is said to be suspiciously successful  at the races. Now reports are coming in that a fleet is being gathered to allow filthy heretics to escape to the evil Persians. The governor of Egypt is said to be involved in the black arts and his wife to have performed lewd and disgusting acts with a goat. Our new Marius -ViIgilius Palaeologus is accused of being a heretic just because of a mild difference in viewpoint with conventional theology. 

Something is very wrong in the blessed roman empire and in a shock exclusive only "THE VOICE OF REASON" can reveal the true causes of these ills. 

The answer is Nestorians! 

These depraved heretics are spreading malicious gossip about our  most sacred institutions.  In addition they are working with Jews, Pelagians and Pagans to steal the very wealth of Rome from under our feet. They must be rooted out of our institutions and exterminated.  We must take care however, rumours abound about how highly placed some of these people are, one unfounded rumour has it that the chief of the navy is pulling together a fleet so that a vast army of heretics can descend on the flanks of our brave armies, no proof of such a massing of ships has been found. 

But the evil heretics forget one thing, the strength of the Roman peoples, if such a fleet were being assembled the least that would happen would be 
refusal to provision such an armada, anybody found supplying such a fleet must be thrown on the mercy of the mob, in fact it would be the duty of all right thinking men to descend upon these vehicles of the devil and burn them to the water-line. 

We must also smash the pagan Persians into the dust, any minor disagreements with our Christian cousins must be quickly resolved and the poor deluded 
souls brought back into the arms of orthodoxy.  We must also send out large forces of missionaries into the steppes and convert  the men of the Steppes for the good of their very souls. Our Armenian allies must be convinced of the need for them to worship in the correct manner. All these things must be done to promote the word of God. 
 

The dizzying plague is swarming through the cities of the Basin, and laying many low throughout Sogdia. This puzzling phenomenon was first reported in the southern part of the nation, and has spread like wildfire. 

The Prince of Sogdia has announced (from beyond the borders) that a strict quarantine would be in place to prevent the further dissemination of the dread plight. 

The first signs of onset of the disease appear to be twofold: either speaking words of treason against the prince of Sogdia (obviously in delirium), or speaking in heavy Persian accents (again, an obvious mental defect from the fevers of the disease). 

Next , the sufferer is usually found to have disappeared, then - having wandered in their delirium - are found in the street, spontaneously erupted in bruises all over the body, usually in a strange "rubber-hose" pattern. 

Last, if not recovering by then, the victim's throat (and that of all his close kin), simultaneously split wide, and they bleed to death. 

Doctors have announced new & important research is needed to determine the proper treatment, and advocate complete isolation for those so afflicted until a cure can be offered.

I believe that due to circumstances we now have a surplus of widows and orphans and could possibly contribute to your worthy cause.  We also believe a quantity of loose women (unfortunately custom demands the removal of the nose as penance for collaboration, which could decrease their value 
somewhat) and roman bastards will be available to us soon , if you are gathering a similar collection of these we may be able to oblige. 

Yours Yezd the generous 

Ed: We of course will start a collection on behalf of the poor overworked cosmetic surgeons of Persia 

Dear Editor 

I xxx your xxx and xxxx to the xxxxx then xxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx sister xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx donkey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx dead xxxxxx three xxxxxxxx Teletubbies! 

Yours Vicas the Vengeful of Baltia 
<abridged> 
 

King Benyounyes of Gaetulia, long a captive of southern rebels, has escaped from his prison, and taken over control of his country again. 

Sporting a dashing eyepatch, and a gorgeous blonde assistant (who he helped to escape), Benyounyes entertained all the court with his tales of derring-do and bravado in the escape, featuring a midnight chase over the rooftops, a hair-raising donkey-race through the streets of Alexandria, and a covey of international criminals whose plans for world domination he foiled at the last moment*. He also gave a demonstration of his amazing piece of wizardry, the combination rope-bow. 

* Believed to be called Babylas, Patricius & Isidorus 
 

In a prolonged bloody slog, the Saxons and their Jutish allies crushed a combined Austrasian/Wendish force near Derris. The most savagely contested battle to date, it left great heaps of dead scattered all over the field, with Saxons dead numbering more than 7000, and even more of their opponents cut down - it is rumoured that 80% of the Wends died on the field. 

Asked for a reaction, King Hereberht the Mean, responded: 
"It may have been Phyrric, but it was worth it ... now Saxons everywhere can hold their heads up high and look to a time where our once proud land can again be united, YOU'LL NEVER WALK AGAIN, AGAIN, AGAIN .......... !" 
 

• The Regency of the Visigothic Protectorate has apparently launched a new anti-poverty drive.
• The Rape of Austrasia goes on, with savage swiss warbands wandering willynilly wherever they will.
• The victorious Nubians have pledged to extirpate every trace of Byzantine rule in Egypt.
• The new Persian Shah, apparently determined to prove his vigour, has apparently impregnated over half of his hareem. Rumour has it that he has sent forces scouring the landscape in all directions, seeking new additions for the hareem.
• Slavs Sink: boating accidents on the Baltic seem to be at a discount this season.
• His Holiness has announced the beatification of Arturus, King of the Britons, as a true Catholick saint. It is expected that he will be canonised within the decade.

Noted academic Manuel Deochus, PhD, DD, spoke from his chair at Constantinople University today, advocating a 'kinder, gentler' approach to the Franks, Goths, and Lombards. 

"The government must recognize the validity of the territorial aspirations of these simple people. We must not stifle their creativity, nor ignore their unique viewpoint in resolving our mutual problems." 

The Doctor went on to call on the Emperor to submit these territorial disputes to a binding arbitration by the Sassanid King of Kings, and the establishment of a new Chair in Ostrogothic Studies at the University. 

No response has been forthcoming from the Imperial Court, as yet.

sponsored by Mordek & Sons, armourers to the Emperor

The Donatists now apparently rule triumphant over the whole of the continent of Africa, are hammering at the doors of Alexandria, seeking further outlets for their views. Is there any truth that the Emperor is dallying with their converts, contemplating the abandonment of the One True Elvis?