Part 2 strings attached
11/28/99 - 12/16/99

My time soon after Thanksgiving was spent, for the most part, with Melissa and Derek, someone I found to be another likable, funny person. I enjoyed and was glad for their company, but, while it was a lot of help and fun for me to be in the company of two people I truly enjoyed being around, I was sorry that it seemed I’d lost Brandi’s friendship. I started to notice that she’d been somewhat less violent to Chris since she’d come back from the break. They were closer physically, and I saw Brandi reading love e-cards from Chris (something like four in a day)...and I asked her if their relationship had changed. She told me that she and Chris had decided to start dating over break. Huh. I’d thought that my chances with Brandi were pretty dim, but that as long as she was still available, there was something for me to hope for. I wanted to devote myself to Melissa, who seemed to genuinely enjoy me (selfish since it now doesn’t seem that she wants anything with me), but, to be honest with myself, despite how it would hurt Chris and Ryan, I knew I would date Brandi if she wanted me to. More surprising than that was that she’d decided to date Chris, who I’d always assumed had no chance with her, having devoted his entire life to her for years already, with no result like this...and to have it finally culminate now seemed beyond the realm of possibility. I thought about the times I’d seen them together recently, and not worried or felt jealous because he was just a friend...but not really. I sent Brandi an e-mail about it that night, basically saying that it hurt, but that I respected it, wouldn’t try to split them apart, but that I wouldn’t be comfortable around she and Chris for awhile.

I told Melissa about having just found out...that I still had feelings for Brandi...perhaps I shouldn’t have, but it sorta fits with my being (too) honest with Melissa, all the time. I took a walk with her to the Village and told her basically the whole story I’ve just written. She gave me a bit of a reason she wouldn’t date me; she felt second in line behind Brandi, and she didn’t want that position. I can understand that all too well; that’s why I hadn’t asked her out directly. I think, though, at that time, that I still thought that Melissa was mine for the taking, but I can see now that she most likely never was, and my relationship with Brandi, her roommate, didn’t bring her closer to me. Our conversation didn’t change our relationship drastically, as I thought it might have. As time passed in the weeks to follow, I found that Brandi did in fact like my company, and felt more comfortable now that I knew about her and Chris. She knew that I liked Melissa, and, a few days after I found out about her relationship, she took me aside and told me that she’d finally made up her mind about me; she told me that she liked me, thought I was a sweet guy (one of the first times I think I’ve been called that sincerely), a label that no one else but Chris, apparently, had earned...and that, if she weren’t dating Chris, she would be my girlfriend. That gave me an interesting little inner twist. I thought that, most likely, I’d made her think I was completely shallow, that I’d missed way off with her (though I think, but for my ‘strategy of pursuit’ I may have had her). The way I acted around her after reading her letter appealed more to her than the way I acted when I wore my heart on my sleeve earlier. In fact, she did like me...she even wanted me to be with Melissa, because, she said, I deserved to be with a nice girl (though I was a little offended for Melissa’s being categorized like that). While I was saddened by basically being told that I’d blown it with her, I was happier that she’d decided to like me, and that, finally, my mind could have some rest. Finally, I was able to smile at her and Chris together, because it was right.
keeping it short - part 3 of 3