ACT TWO

Scene One


Early the following morning. The stage is empty. From the alcove, TOINETTE’s head appears, surveying the room cautiously. SHE steps into the living area and signals. SGANARELLE enters in the midst of donning his jacket. They both look extremely happy. SHE moves across stage toward the door. HE sprints to behind her, grabs her rump, turns her around and kisses her wildly.
TOINETTE
You’re insatiable. But then so am I.

SGANARELLE

                                        It seems I used to read once,
                                        Read everything around
                                        Until I chanced to breed once
                                        And suddenly I found
                                        Here was something thrilling,
                                        Here was something gay
                                        Here was something I couldn’t get
                                        From Racine or Rabelais.

I love love much too much,
My heart too easily melts---
I love that strange queasy feeling,
I love a view of the ceiling
As long as I’m revealing
That view to someone else.

I love love much too much,
I’m often tricked by the treat—
I love when love starts to flower,
I love that feeling of power
Although at any hour
There may be utter defeat.

You lie about at night
And isn’t it pleasant
Making future plans
That suit your plans
Just for the present.

Loving love much too much
Is like eating after you’ve dined---
I know I should break the habit,
But love walks by and I grab it---
I feel for every rabbit
Whose heart can rule his mind.
I love love much to much
But, God knows, I guess I’m resigned.
TOINETTE
You say you always read once,
Well, cooking was for me.
I’d happily bake bread once
Until I bred like thee.
You gave up Montaigne,
And I gave up lasagna.

I love love much too much,
I love the way that it feels!
I know the feeling is fleeting,
I know my health takes a beating,
But still I can’t help greeting
Romance with high ideals.

I love love much too much,
I’m much too quickly possessed;
I love the hazy impressions,
I love those three a.m. sessions
When you both make confessions
You’ll wish you’d never confessed.

The guilt I feel at noon
Is taken lightly
And dispelled at night
When held at night
So very tightly.

I love love much too much,
Too much to notice the brand;
I love the beautiful silence
Which soon comes after the violence
And I’m in heaven while ens-
Conced in the arms at hand.
I love love much too much,
TOGETHER
                                        And isn’t love perfectly grand!

                                                                      (THEY are both at the door now.)

TOINETTE

Now you remember the plan.

SGANARELLE

Of course I remember the plan! It’s my plan, you sexy wench! (HE squeezes both breasts and exits. TOINETTE comes back into the room dancing to "I Love Love Much Too Much". In so doing, she neglects to secure the door tightly. ARGON enters from the alcove.)
ARGON
What are you doing dancing at this hour of the morning?

TOINETTE

Trying to bring some life into this mausoleum.

ARGON

Impudent hussy, I need an injection!

TOINETTE

                                                                    (under her breath)
You need an injection in your head.
                                                                     (to Argon)
I’ll give you an injection on one condition. You allow your daughter to marry the one she chooses, not you.

ARGON

You give me conditions! You a slut of a servant girl!

TOINETTE

She will marry a man, not a clown.

ARGON

You call Thomas Diaforous with his education, his medical expertise and the fortune he will inherit a clown!

TOINETTE

You can put all that education and medical expertise in a bedbug’s navel and still have room left over.

ARGON

That is enough! I will not hear another word! Now give me my injection!

TOINETTE

Give me your promise!

ARGON

You strumpet! I’ll teach you to be insolent to your bettors! (HE chases after her with his cane. BELINE appears.)
BELINE
My darling, what is it now?

ARGON

This baggage refuses to give me an injection!

TOINETTE

As much as I love administering injections, I did not refuse. I said I would gladly do it provided he swears he will not make Angelique marry a man she does not love, could never love and will never love.

BELINE

What business is it of yours! You know if she does not abide by her father’s wishes, she will be sent immediately to a convent. So she’d better make up her mind right now that a marriage to a promising educated young doctor is the only alternative.

TOINETTE

I guarantee the shock of it will make her dumb!

BELINE

What are you talking about---the shock of it will make her dumb?

TOINETTE

It’s more common than you think---young ladies who are forced into marrying the Thomas Diaforouses of the world often go dumb out of fright.

BELINE

I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life! Now we’re going right in there and you’re giving my beloved husband an injection. Come along now! (BOTH exit through the alcove. A moment’s pause. CLEANTE appears at the doorway. Seeing the door slightly ajar, HE enters stealthily. ANGELIQUE appears from the alcove, stops in surprise.)
ANGELIQUE
Cleante!

CLEANTE

The door was open.

ANGELIQUE

But what are you doing here?

CLEANTE

I’ve come to take you away with me.

ANGELIQUE

Oh, my love!

CLEANTE

What is it?

ANGELIQUE

My father…

CLEANTE

What about your father?

ANGELIQUE

It would break his heart.

CLEANTE

He doesn’t care if your heart is broken, why should you care about his?

ANGELIQUE

Oh, Cleante…

CLEANTE

You don’t love me!

ANGELIQUE

Oh, but I do! You know I do!

                                                                      (THEY embrace.)

ANGELIQUE

There just has to be some other way.

                                                                     (ARGON re-enters the room. HE stops in shock.)

ARGON

What are you doing here?

CLEANTE

It’s time for the young lady’s music lesson.

                                                                     (HE races to the harpsichord.)

ARGON

At six in the morning?

CLEANTE

One’s voice is always better in the early hours.
                                  I have never seen you swimming in the sun,
                                  I have never heard you pray;
                                  We have never kissed before the coffee’s done,
                                  But these are things we’ll do someday.

ANGELIQUE

Wait! Father, this is the man I want to marry.

ARGON

You what?

ANGELIQUE

This is the man I am in love with.

ARGON

You just met him yesterday!

ANGELIQUE

No. That isn’t true. I met him a little over a week ago when Aunt Edwige took me to the theater.

ARGON

That’s the last time I will ever allow you to go anywhere with your mother’s sister.

CLEANTE

                                          We’ve known each other for just awhile.
                                          But still my fancies take flight…

ARGON

Will you stop that! I want you out of this house!

ANGELIQUE

Please, father. I implore you.

                                                                     (TOINETTE and BELINE now enter from the alcove.)

ARGON

Out! Out I say!
                                                                     (CLEANTE reluctantly rises, embraces Angelique.)
Take your hands off my daughter and GO!
                                                                     (Sadly, HE turns and exits through the front door. To Toinette)
Did you know about this?

TOINETTE

Of course!

ARGON

It’s a conspiracy! In my own house, I’m surrounded by assassins.

BELINE

Please, dearest. Do not upset yourself.

ARGON

Oh, my sweetness! You’re the only one I can trust. Besides my doctors.

TOINETTE

                                                                        (aside)
What perceptions!

ANGELIQUE

But, father, I love him!

ARGON

That---that pauper!

ANGELIQUE

How do you know he’s a pauper?

ARGON

You can tell just by looking at him! You will be without money, without servants…

ANGELIQUE

What do I care about that? If I were married to Cleante,
I’d get down on my knees for him,
I’d swelter and I’d freeze for him,
I’d spend days shelling peas for him,
If I were married to Cleante.

If I were married to Cleante,
I’d do most anything for him,
I’d stand up to the King for him,
I’d scrub each bathtub ring for him,

If I were married to Cleante.
Each day would come and bring many new things,
Each day would come and bring all sorts of joys---
Familiarity would breed quite a few things,
A few small girls, a few small boys.

If I were married to Cleante,
I’d join the working class for him,
I’d slave, I’d eat ground glass for him,
I’d go to morning mass for him,
If I were married to Cleante.

On the other hand there’s Thomas,
There’s that dreadful thing called Thomas!
Think of Thomas in pajamas!
Oh, no, dear Lord, oh, no!
A life with him could hardly be drearier,
We’d sit all day and talk of bacteria,
I’d rather be a Mother Superior
Than have to marry him.
ARGON
Enough!

ANGELIQUE

If I were married to Thomas,
I’d run up gambling debts for him,
I’d raise black snakes as pets for him,
I’d burn his crepe suzettes for him,
If I were married to Thomas.

If I were married to Thomas,
I’d make the worst faux pas for him,
I’d lisp, I’d be bourgeois for him,
I’d salt his café noir for him,

If I were married to Thomas.
I’d keep a bodyguard in the guest wing
In case he tried to play the role of a spouse;
His bedroom would be off in the west wing
While mine would be in Cleante’s house.

If I were married to Thomas,
I’d never comb my hair for him,
I’d learn to curse and swear for him,
I’d shrink his underwear for him,
If I were married to Thomas.
ARGON
I will not hear another word!
                                                                        (to Beline)
That girl has upset me so much, I’ll have to have a double dose of my gallstone powder.

                                                                        (ARGON and BELINE exit.)

ANGELIQUE

Oh, Toinette, what am I going to do?

TOINETTE

What’s that you say?

ANGELIQUE

I said, what am I going to do?

TOINETTE

You’re opening your mouth, but not a word is coming out.

ANGELIQUE

What are you talking about?

TOINETTE

Oh, you poor dear! It’s finally happened!

ANGELIQUE

What’s finally happened?

TOINETTE

                                                                 (scurrying toward the alcove)
Oh, master, come quick! Your daughter has become absolutely totally dumb!
 
 

LIGHTS DIM