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The Rant (Continued)

So by now, I was thinking, "Shit. This ain't working out." No fuckin' duh. But in a last attempt to salvage the relationship, I querried some friends and acquaintances. Not too smart. Here's some of the responses I got. "She's just PMSing. Give it another couple days." "I think she's a lesbian. In fact, ever since that Ellen thing, I think every girl's a lesbian." "Buy her something." "Break it off." So by now, she's heard through the grapevine that I'm on my way to leaving her at the Just-Dumped Hotel. So she's gotta act quickly, right? First fuckin' chance I see her, "It's OVER! OVER! HA! I got it out first! I dumped YOU! HA HA HA HA HA!" I just stood there like, "But you see, I was about to..." "TOO LATE! YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE! I DUMPED YOU!" Fine. I let her have her moment. And then she kept looking at me like, "You still want me, but too bad becasue I dumped you before you could dump me, ha ha ha ha ha." So then word gets around and of course, it's something I did. It's my fuckin' fault. I didn't realize that I did anything, but I must've. I'm me and she's sweet, innocent her. So all I got was, "What'd you do?" Then the bullshit "We can still be friends" speech comes out. But, being the dolt that I am, I bought into it. "Hey, we CAN still be friends. Yeah. That's nice. I'd like that." But now, she's being a sanctimonious and arrogant bitch as opposed to being just the snobby bitch she once was. If there's one thing that annoys me, it's shitty little excuses that girls have to NOT go out. They can never be just the tiniest bit truthful to us, but they expect nothing less than total honesty from us. Fuck that. If you believe in honesty, don't start dating. Honesty is the sole inhabitant of Pandora's Box. But the girls, they got these stupid-ass excuses like, now stop me if you've heard this one, "I'm washing my hair." And us guys, as believing and stupid as we are, think to ourselves, "Well, I guess it's better this way. Don't want to be dating no girl with dirty hair or nothing." As the days progress, the excuses become more feeble. "I've got a big test to study for." A big test. One that requires an entire evening to study for. A test whose grade is so important, all life as we know it hangs on her getting a perfect score on mentioned test. And of all evenings to study for it, a Friday or Saturday evening. Now, class, can we say "Bullshit?" And you know something's wrong when an extended weekend, a weekend with an extra fuckin' day, is no use to you because, "My brother is coming home from college and I'm going to spend every waking moment with him." Now, I've nothing against siblings getting along, but for three or four days straight with no time for anything else, certainly not for something as trivial as a relationship or anything, either she doesn't care all that much for you or there's something more than a sibling bond that I don't want to get into being that this is a rant on relationships, not inbreeding, and you're better off without her anyway. Now we come to the feared part about hugs and kisses. At the beginning of every relationship, of course there’s going to be immense physical contact be it from holding hands to porking. Ours was no exception. Around prom time, it hit its peak. Now draw whatever conclusions you wish to from this as in "SHE’S IN IT FOR THE FREE MEAL, MAN!" As doubtful as that is, it pains me to say the possibility exists considering that our relationship started eroding at prom’s conclusion. What is it about prom anyway? Well, let me tell you something. I'm not sure, but i'm confident that they put something in the water at prom. It may be Spanish Fly, it may be something in the food, or maybe something in the ventilation system. Whatever it is, it's potent, because every couple was all over each other yours truly included (But since I'm only 18 and I'm not about to utter the words, "Two words, baby, A-bortion," nothing kinky happened.) So after about a month of "gimme a hug, gimme a hug, gimme a hug, gimme a hug, gimme a hug." I was about to when she shoves me away. Imagine that. What happened? I dunno. I'm not a woman nor do I intend to ever be one. I just stood there with a big, dumb grin on my face like, "Hey, sure, no problem. I understand. No one NEEDS a hug. Hey, go to class." Soon as she turns her back, though, "DIE, DIE, DIE!!" I was thoroughly pissed, plus my friend was a witness at the time. Come on, men. Has this ever happened to you? I guess all I can say is, it's most likely not another guy so don't go down that path because your relationship will be in the crapper before your face heals from the slap wounds. Now that's something. Accusations. You never like to be accused of something, but it will happen. If you DID do something, well, you better tell her before she hears it from her cousin's kid sister's friend's aunt's godchild. Why? Because the school or the workplace is a network. Whatever happens will come out. No, it WILL. I don't care if you've never told a soul in your life. Some psychic foreign exchange student's gonna pick up bad vibes coming from your dick and tell his friend, who'll tell his friend, who'll tell his friend, who'll tell her friends. Pick that up? It stays mano e mano until the girl enters the chain and then it becomes a group thing. The thing about that is that girls don't tell their best friend. They let it sit inside them until they tell their best friendS, who happens to be whoever wants to hear something. Inevitably, probably sooner than later, your girlfriend will hear about it and then... trust me... you will too. No matter what you did, you'll get what every girl is able to do with the skill of a master, she'll ignore you. Any guy'll tell you, they sure can tune you out and with such ease, it's annoying. You wonder if they got a switch on the tit or something. This switch turns on a filter that then only picks up on the speech pattern of, you guessed it, her friends, and completely filters YOU out. It really is quite a phenomenon. Whatever you did could be anything from giving meat injections in the janitor's closet to just whistling along with a couple buddies when that one hot girl walks by. It doesn't matter. Now that's quite an odd thing there, gawking. Guys can't gawk. They're not allowed to. Gawk and the girls on you like white on rice. "What's that girl have that I don't? Why don't I see you gawking at me? What the fuck is wrong with you? You some kind of animal? Some kind of rare species of monkey that can't do anything but stare? Where the hell's that drink I sent you for? Forget it. I'm not sending you anywhere with those wandering eyes of yours." All this because a ravishing beauty, whose looks it would be a crime not to admire, passes into your line of sight. Girls can look, though. And will. Well, I might add. They can put their eyes on a piece of ass like anything. You get caught staring at her though and, "What? I can't admire? I can't look at what I could have if I wasn't with you? Why isn't your ass like that one?" And us guys just hang our heads low with shame. "I'm sorry." we say. "Didn't mean to deny you pleasure or anything." Next part.

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