Tyson Ho's Bad-Ass Ultra-Cool Webpage

The Rant (Continued)

When your fun is done and you want out, you better try and get out. Don't just sit there and extend the pain for both of you. Nowadays a lot of couples are splitting using the, "I think we should date other people" line. One can always try that, but one shouldn't go up to one's partner and start with, "You know, honey. Variety's the spice of life." When you're done, you will have been slapped so many times, her hands will hurt. Don't wanna go down that path? Well, there's always, "I think we need more space." If she's not a national merit scholar, she might say, "What, like a yard? Okay, but that means at the movie, we won't be able to sit by each other." That's when you smack your forehead and drag your hand down your face. Of course, there's the short, but direct, "It's not working." The less initiated might be tempted to say, "Well, keep exercising, the weight's bound to come off." To which, you would raise an eyebrow and wonder, "How does someone like this continue to function?" And of course, there's "It's over." Usually reserved for those special occasions where you've been caught or you've caught her or if you and her were arguing over pizza toppings. And it's assumed that you paid for that pizza. So if a couple is broken up, does the man just turn to her, stick out his hand, and say, "Okay. Gimme back half my spendings on you." No, of course not. That would be the logical, rational thing to do and in relationships, logical and rational are forbidden phrases. There is no logic in relationships. I was buying my ex lunch. I didn't have change for tax and didn't want to break a twenty. So she tosses me a dime and says, "Don't ever say I never chipped in." The fuckin' bill was a good $7.09. But in relationship arithmetic, the gentleman paying $6.99 and the lady friend throwing in a dime, which was probably saved up from her last relationship, is congruent. Don't count on seeing any of that money back, either. It's gone. Like flushing it down the can. Now on the first date, if she doesn't like you, she'll stop mooching and leave you alone. If she likes you, she continue acting the leech and your wallet will gradually get lighter. Soon, all that's left in your wallet is your driver's license and a condom. And of course, the guy's thinking, "By the time I've spent all that money, the condom will come into use." Don't count on that either. Talking to a lady friend when you're broke is like watching TV without a picture and the speakers are blown. You can say whatever you want, but unless the words, "I'm picking up my check tomorrow and cashing it, do you wanna do something?" come up, you'll get marginally the same out of her that you would a mime. Talking to a girl when you do have money is a little different. She'll listen to what you're saying, but you gotta insert a dollar every five minutes like a really expensive phone booth. "That's so interesting. Yeah. That happens to me too. Uh-huh. *bloop* Insert a dollar for the next five minutes. Cha-ching! Yeah. I hate it when he does that. I know..." Her cleavage is like where you try to slip in a dollar at a Coke machine. Carrying a conversation's hard, I'll tell you that. I was a lucky one, I had cash, but some folks aren't Asian. I'd be talking, talking, talking, trying to get her into it, but nothing worked. I didn't want to come off as a gabber or a chatterbox, but then again, that beats silence. Nothing worse than silence early in a relationship. So I was making like Seinfeld or Carlin and noticing everything and criticizing everything. I developed a very astute view on the world in addition to my cynical, evil view. I tried as hard as I could to get interesting stuff to talk about, but I did have to check a couple times to ask, "You getting bored?" "No." "What do you think about (whatever you're talking about)?" "I dunno." "Uh-huh. You wanna THROW ME A BONE HERE? I'M FREAKIN' DYIN' HERE!" Eating with the more delicate of the genders is always a bunch of fun. Here's where the REAL variety of women can be found, at a meal. You get everything from the shy non-fat salad and water girl to the lobster and the house wine girl. With desert. Of course, you're payin' for all this. I dated one that tended towards the salad and water. Only ate chicken, white meat only, pulled off the skin, and left her sides untouched. Of course, I don't like seeing my money wasted, and I was hungry, but one should know when to let it go. I'm not the smartest insensitive clod around (I wore a Basic cigarettes T-shirt under my tux at prom), so I would actually take some if she offered. Don't do that, gentlemen. Even if the girl offers some of her plate to you, don't fuckin' eat it. I think it's their own way of testin' you. Don't play their own games on them, though. Don't shove your plate in their face and scream, "EAT!!" It doesn't help the mood any. Now if you do get one of those diet freaks, roll with it. Why are some girls so obsessed with how they look? I mean, I understand trying to get a guy or something, but hell, they're already with a guy. This is not to mean I want girls to start plumping up when they start dating, heavens no. But it discomforts me when they discomfort themselves to such an extent. What I hate is a girl who fishes for complements, but it can't be helped. "I'm so fat." She could be a stick and you know this is some kind of lead in, so you don't really have any options. "No, you're not." you should say. "You're just fine." And if she really IS a bit big-boned, then you shouldn't say, "YOU BET YOU ARE. Goddamn! A sit up here and there wouldn't be armageddon, you know." I REALLY hate them girls that fish for complements. If you wanna stay relationshipized, though, bite. You have no choice. Weigh your options. You think you can discover her little ploy, point it out front of her face, and still get some lip at the end of the night? Yeah, and Asians don't make up the majority of geniuses. I've had to endure exactly that. "Oh, look at my drawing. It's so terrible!" Then I had to endure all her friends and the other classmates coming over to give the ol' boost of confidence. "No, it's not, it's so great! Omigod, omigod, omigod! You're so good! I'd donate my left tit to be half as good as you! Can we please place our lips upon your ass now?" I couldn't do anything. What I would've loved to do was scream, "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT MORE BAIT ON THAT HOOK?" You can't do that during dating, though. It stops the continious flow of bullshit and that flow can't be stopped no matter the reasons. Whole marriages are built on lies these days and just the semblance of truth could wreck it. "Does this dress make me look fat?" "Kinda." "Kinda?! I wouldn't be fat if you didn't plant your seed in me in the back of your Chevy and make me shoot a watermelon sized kid out of my legs!" "I jus' said 'kinda!' You want fat? Your mom's fat!" "Go to hell!" See what I mean? Every relationship hinges on your being able to keep your mouth shut and continuing to spew forth the bullshit. Don't like her friends? Deal with it. Don't like how she dresses? She's not gonna change. You, on the other hand, will. Musical and Movie contrasts are always fun to deal with. I'm sorry, but anyone who subjects me to the pain of listening to the newest "Collective Soul" or any kind of country deserves to be beat regardless of whether or not I'm dating her. I listen to NIN and anything on Amp and I'm accused of being a devil-worshipper. Fair enough. I watch movies with substance. Something beyond fancy-ass SFX (although sometimes I enjoy SFX as long as it's intelligent) and mindless cheapshots. I watch the Pulp Fictions, the Clerks, the Bravehearts, the Fargos. She watched the Forrest Gumps, the Black Sheeps (not to be confused with Tommy Boy, which was FUNNY), and anything Sci-Fi, which I had nothing against as long as you stay within the confines of REALITY. She didn't. Every part of everything had to do with X-Files. Mulder and Scully comparisons had to come into every conversation. "I'm intelligent, I just don't get good grades." "Scully graduated with honors and was the top of her class. I'm gonna be Scully when I'm older and scrape together the cash to have a Race and skin color change from Chinese to white." To this you can only nod your head and take a sip from your drink. Next part.

[www.oocities.org]